You know I talk about you all the time. To people close to me. To people that dont even know me.
This morning the uber driver asked if I had a girlfriend. And I said ehhhh no, but she is someone I love. He chuckles, and says "in and out? complicated?" his english isnt the best and we talk more about it. He asks "what's hard?" and I continue to talk about how we are controlled by our emotions of anger, sadness, pain, and etc. I talk about how hard it is to communicate. I talk about a lot of things and end with "I love her though and we don't mean to make this difficult but it's from so many things". He and I talked about A TON during our drive and one thing he mentioned to me out of the blue was that I'd be a good father. Not because I mentioned anything about that but because he asked if I had kids and we talked about his. But as I got out the car he said you're a really kind person and whenever you do have kids you're going to be a kind father even if you mess up some times. I told him thanks, I hope you have a good weekend, a good life, and to drive safe. And I told him too that he's a good person and someone I hope his kids appreciate for all he does for em.
We talked a TON but it was a really nice way to start the day.
I talked to Aaron today about some of the things we talked about. I guess what Im trying to say is you are still in every crevice of my day.
And when you popped up I was really caught off guard. After being blocked in EVERY single avenue of contact I kinda just dropped everything. I didn't want to chase and try to message you 30 ways. I didn't want to drive to your house and bug you. When you didn't even want to give me a hug all I thought was that I needed to respect your decision and me dragging you back only hurt you more. Me begging only made my anxious attachment force you into loving and being around me when you weren't ready.
I went back into the house and lost it. I screamed in frustration that everything happened. I cried in the corner of my house not even wanting Aaron to touch me. I was shaking. Then I hit the door because at that point I didn't want to hold anything in. I felt like I tried to hold so much in by begging to stop moving forward with the argument. To know I was sincerely sorry and didn't want it to go south. To just understand whether or not my intention if you felt one way I'd apologize. To keep asking what I can do to help. I held in so much anxiousness trying to resolve things that it exploded in my house. I didnt want you to leave. I wanted to hug and hold you. I didnt want to talk about things to cause us to fight more. Then I felt so mad that I was hurt the other night. All of it flooded that I never really processed it. Then the hurt from aaron poured in. And I just wanted to yell and say that I've been hurting too. Then I collapsed on the ground in front of aaron and just said I was hurt and went to give him a hug before my mom gave me a call to get her.
Im not sure if I wrote about that yet. But yeah I let a lot out that day and I asked aaron can I please give her one more call. She blocked me and I wont ask again. I just want to remind her that I love her and that Im sorry. I promise I never meant it the way it was perceived and that I think the world of her. I dont remember the eact words that I said to you but this was the idea I wanted to get across. Silence on the other end. Then I said bye.
At this point I go out with my mom and tried to keep it together after washing my face but then I broke down driving. And all I could say was that I love you. That you're hurting. And that I was trying so hard.
It ended up being an amazing night with my mom. Really open, deep, and uplifting conversations. And then a big break through with my brother and I to move past our trauma and work through it together for our future selves. It honestly. ended up being really strong intimate reactions that day. I just wish you we could have pivotted and moved toward that as well that day.