12/13 almost a year

It's almost been a whole year without communication/seeing you. (besides our birthdays of course) and yet here we are. still with you on my mind. does time and distance really help us separate? I know we've moved to having out own lives doing things that make us happy and bring around our people but it doesnt feel right. right? like it feels weird to not have all of us around kevin's family. It feels weird to not be around each other playing with tayto. it just doesnt feel quite right without each other in our lives. right? I am really grateful for the things I got to do this year, the people I got to spend it with, and the vulnerability Ive had with loved ones this year. but it was still missing you. I still think about you often. its quite funny how often. sooner or later I need to stop though. I need to delete this page. I need to stop writing to you. I need to shut all of this out. sometimes I want to shoot you a message but then realized you never responded to the ones in the past. you dont want to talk to me. you moved on with someone. you dont want anything to do with me. I need to get that in my head. every year I always wanted to be around you during my birthdays and during yours you wanted to be around anyone but me. this is probably so cringy and embarrassing that I even feel this way or am here. one thing I know is that it really does show that I want to stay. Ive always known myself and my feelings. and I love that im honest with it as well. I guess by the time its been a year Ill delete all of this. I'll give up any of these ideas and hopes. I guess Ill try to keep living too.