My heart fucking hearts so so much yesterday. I just wanted to apologize and let us get past something that should not have thrown us in so much dissarray. Not let us get to the point of so much pain for each other. I cant say how sorry I am and that it wasn't anything that was meant in the realm of what it felt like to you. Sometimes you just say things without thinking and I apologize for not thinking. I was reading a comic while we were talking and just had no idea why it was brought up. Ugh I just cant explain it enough but I dont think of you that way I didnt mean to make you feel anyway and I swear we wouldve gone down the route of tlaking about so many other things. UGH I DONT KNOW HOW TO LET YOU KNOW FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.
Anyways, I love you so much and my heart is shattered. I went to dinner with my mom that night and all I could do was talk about you. I told her that I love you so much and that I just wish I could figure out how to make this work. I yelled with my brother after you left and just cried in pain. He and I talked about going to therapy together to resolve our problems hoping that the trauma from our childhood from each other can be healed.
Then tonight at Thanksgiving our uncle and us talked about religion and nhilism and I kept bringing up our conversation about your religion and how even though nothing in this world could not matter that you do to me. We talked about soul and how through reincarnation that although our coinciousness and bodies dont transfers our souls do. We talked about our souls being an essence outside of our personalities and something that connects us beyond.
Even during my shoot two days ago they brought up meeting you and ask me about what is needed to make it work for us. To keep trying because they went through hell and back and told me if it's worth it dont stop.
All of that was just random moments to essentially tell you that every ounce of my will and being wants this to work and my heart crumbles thinking no.
So here's this: I love you so much. This Thanksgiving day I am thankful and grateful for so much in my life ESPECIALLY you. I'm so grateful to have you in my life and for every path I will ever cross with you. Even yesterday while through so much pain you've brought me close to my brother who's decided to go to therapy ith me so we can be better for others in our life in the future. You put a smile on my mom's face for her to see me love something so much and approach it with so much passion. I'm so grateful that you came to hug me after coming out of the bathroom and for me to go to hug you in the kitchen.
Thanks for spending the last couple days with me. I'll never forget going to sleep and waking up with Tayto on my left thigh and holding you tight in my right arm. I'll never forget kissing you and staring into your eyes asking you to stay with me forever. I'll never for get us both wispering to each other "I love you".
I might not ever get to talk to you again being blocked via social media and through our phones.
But thank you for being you. Thank you for having a soul that intertwined with my soul.
I'll always be grateful for you, Hnin.