Aaron really wanted to help huh? A line I really loved from him was that he said he loves both of us. He kept asking if thre was a day we could sit down and talk. He felt so much emotions and knew we weren't pushing for a direction to hold each other.
Im really grateful to have my brother support and really try to help us this time.
After you left me and him had a lot of emotion and my brother said that if I couldnt go and work through things with you we can at least work on it with each other. Nail the childhood trauma and do therapy together. It's nice to have someone want to work through the things we fail to notice in life. It's nice to work through something with someone who has seen me through so many stages of life.
I guess that's another reason it was so important to me to work through this with you. I've never held on to someone so tightly before that I considered a partner. There's never been someone that wanted to continue to experience me as a. person as deeply and as long as you. I wanted to go to relationship counseling with someone Ive seen so many sides of and theyve seen so many sides of me.
When I say you and I were clsoer than anyone Ive ever met to marriage its because weve seen the deepest darkest portions of each other. Stuff that no one else sees so that we can finally address it rather than meeting someone all over and not showing that. Of course the pain is something I dont want us to go through but it is something you and I had to travel past to continue toward something so raw.
I want us to talk about important things but I do not want to fight. I do not want to blame. I do not want to make the assumption that the other does not love each other or intends to hurt each other. I love you bottomline and that is it. I dont want to block you to force you not to talk to me. I dont want to cut off communication because that would be imposing what I want onto someone else.
And on the other hand I cant force you to sit here and work things out with me. Because it wont work out if you dont want it. We have to want this real realtionship. We have to want to love each other and want to choose this soul that came accross into our lives. No tests, no foot out the door. I've become someone who wants to give himself without restriction. I want to give that to receive that.
Whoops this is not what I wanted to talk about today and went on too long.
I guess I wanted to say I finally got out of bed by myself all weekend. No obligations got me out, I stood up myself. Still with a shattered heart but Im up.