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As a dad

I often think about our last passionate conversation about our kids and what we wanted to do with them. The funny thing is 2 days ago my mom asked me and aaron what kind of parents we wanted to be.

I laughed and said "I already know my answer, I think about it often after my conversation with Hnin. I want to be a parent that allows their kids to explore the world and do what they want."

Even while reading Jay Shetty I often think about transactional love/forgiveness vs unconditional. And loving someone as much as I do you. Thinking I'd always welcome you into my life with open arms. Always welcome my parents with open arms after our fights. Always being there for my brother. Well, I just think that I'm going to even have more love for my kids. No matter what they say to me, what they do, I know they are human and it's their first time living life. I want them to do everything they want because it's THEIR life. And all I can try my best to do is support, push, and give them the tools. But I will love them no matter what.

Shortly after my dad and I got into a heated discussion about Palestine. The bummer is he ultimately agrees with me and Aaron's stance but it's hard for him to articulate it. But one thing that stood out to me was that he said "If someone hurts me or a loved one I will hurt them back worse". This is why he said such horrible things to my mom when they decided on the divorce. This is why he was so mean to me growing up. This is why he blows up on random people that he felt wronged him. He doesn't think about how to resolve a situation he thinks about how to hurt someone to feel his hurt. When he told my mom he hated her with all his heart and he means it. He hates her for hurting him and not being there for him. It broke my mom and our hearts to hear that. I know those aren't his true feelings but he wants people to feel his pain. And the scary thing is when I asked him if someone punched aaron would you shoot them if there was no law? He said yes. That love he has to protect someone through violence translates to how he protects himself against others who bring him pain even if it's the people he loves.

And I left the house in silence that day and drove quietly as Aaron tried to make small talk. Then I teared up. Not because I'm hurt at the things my dad would say to prove his point/project his pain. But because I don't want to see him full of such hurtful feelings to take out on others. It won't ever help his relationship with my mom. It won't ever be healthy to project that pain onto others. It just hurt my heart because I felt hopeless.

Long one today but Jay shetty also talked about fears. And I think my two biggest fears stem from my dad. I don't want to be alone like my dad. He flies under the radar and refuses to grow. I want to make an impact on this world. Show people true intention when interacting with them. And create community. And I definitely dont want to be set in my ways where you continue to hurt people because you refuse to reflect and realize your affect on others which is why Im so focused on growing to be stronger in being in tuned with my emotions and understanding where it is all rooted.

I really wanted you in my life. I really wanted us to both understand it is our first time living together and to always learn and hold each other. I had no doubts that we both had the capacity to do it. Because we saw the beauty in the world to make us both continue to grow in the darkest moments.

This is probably so bad to myself, but it will never matter what you say or do to me. I'll always love you. Even when told not to anymore.

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