A pain more than anything before
Wow I haven't cried that hard in a while. It started with the feeling of loss and quickly turned into the feeling of how much this person means to me. You're right about not feeling the immense amount of pain in hearts when we are separated. I can only begin to feel that with someone I love as deeply as you. And anytime it seems like we lose something so meaningful is when that pain starts to occur. And to reflect on how much we mean to each other means even more.
I don't think I can articulate it better than that. Understanding how much I over analyze and appreciate music, arts, humans, the world. Even the most minut details, means that it can't be taken lightly on what you mean to me as something I've never experienced in my life. How special and unique and imperfectly perfect you are to me. I don't want anything else but you as the person you are. I've come to accept that I'm in love with you and who you will become throughout time. I can't and will not deny that.
And every time I see you I will express that. I will put aside the personal pain and emphasize that. I don't know what else to do at this point. You are beyond the point of convincing but let's just wear your heart on your sleeve Austin. Always give her the biggest hug and always be drawn to her in all circumstances.
My heart shattered today to hear that I am someone you want nothing to do with. No friendship, no relationship, nothing. And yet, I walk out of this refusing to let it click in my head. Because I just literally cannot feel anything else but this. So you walk with what you feel and I'll walk with what I feel, but you are my world. I'm so sorry for everything, I was telling Aaron after the call that it doesn't matter about trying to justify anything at this point. Stepping back from everything for what is truly my whole world is all I want. Delete my instagram, space from my friends to prioritize you, seeing the world with you and only you, I simply cant let someone who is all I need in my life to go. I remember you joking lightly about the age of 31 and I dont want to even set hopes on that anymore. I dont want to wait with anything regarding you. Please when I say just be by my side that I mean now. I'll show you everyday what you mean to me, but please you have to believe me when Im throwing my emotions from my heart.