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March 20

After Friday night when I asked if you needed a moment and I walked Tayto I kept telling myself and saying it during the walk that I love you. I want to make this work. And kept repeating it. I'm not going to lie when we were talking and I was trying to get a point across in the sense of trying to get you to understand that we need to talk to each other from a place of care when our emotions were high it felt so hard to get across to you. Both that night and the night we had after we sat at the bar for drinks I kept reminding myself to hold you and be patient. However, both of those times I also lost myself before I got to that point. I'm doing better, but it can't always be like this. I have an abundance of love right now to be able to continue doing this but lets make sure it doesn't run out with me pouring it all out. We both know what it is like to love with every last drop of ourselves and I dont want EITHER of us to get back to the point where we run out of love trying to love the other. We need to take care of each other before that. 

This weekend was tough for me because originally this was suppose to be the weekend where I re-found myself. This was the weekend I surrounded myself with loved ones so I didnt feel lonely thinking you were in a relationship. Every one of these people came to be with me and lift me up especially Friday night. I wasn't concerned with seeing socheata and our other friends which is why I made no definite plans with them, and I had my focus on sitting and talking very intimately with my cousins and friends. Like sitting with Neathra and Carter meant the world for me and usually after nights like that I go home and sleep with my heart so filled not crying. 

Also another thing is being able to effectively communicate our feelings in public and keeping ourselves well into we are private. Wow I guess that was some anxiousness linked to us when I woke up yesterday and I havent realized it until I began writing. 

I'm sorry that we are both feeling like this. I just want to make you at ease. I guess I started readjusting my lifestyle without noticing it these last couple weeks to help cope with how I thought our life and "friendship" was going to be. I guess originally I thought this last weekend was going to be my mental transition to love you from afar and be happy and accept what life throws at me. 

I do want to assure you that I love you so much and that hasnt changed. Aaron could hear it in my voice and here see the patience I had on the phone. I asked him that if I wasnt in control of myself during our phone call for him to ask me to stop talking on the phone. He said and noticed some other things too but maybe we can talk about it in person. 

March 15

Last night was so nice. Even though it was late I slept so well. It feels right being in your arms. I faintly remember you asking me questions when I was asleep but cant really remember the basis of all the questions. I do remember you saying you werent planning to pursue anything with me right after a break up and wanted to see how devoted I was to you. That's fair because I would like time to show it as well. 

Im a little worried about that fact that I made so many life plans and dont want you to feel second in my life to other things. So maybe a weekend get away then possibly a couple date nights that arent just dinner. 

I think we both understand now how it has to be each other and am proud of both of us yesterday putting aside our feelings of jealousy and being hurt. I was always scared that Id lose you from not understanding things when I explained it but last night talking about my past made me feel patience from you. 

Anyways I hope you have a good day, works been kicking my ass and 2:30 is the first time I've sat down. I'll text you later, but I think Im gonna watch netflix with aaron because he wanted to hang out with me last night. Itd be really cool if you wanted to spend st pattys day with my cousins or even come by for mimosas with some people you may not know. But Im sure you have mutuals with lots of them. Im not sure how you feel about being around my personal friend group on sunday for movies, but there is that too!

March 13

Good morning, I have the tumblr ready to launch but I do want it to be a bit more private like this website. So I'm not going to post everything on there until I have all the bugs worked out. 

Anyways, I hope you are having a wonderful weekend <3. Tbh I froze and started tearing up at dinner the other day when I saw you with that guy in another state. It's not like I can say anything about it because I DID want you to explore what is right for you. But it was just tough seeing because I had spent last weekend with you, I wanted to hear from you all week and kinda felt like I was crumbling thinking your attention was on the other guy, then I saw you with him taking a spontaneous trip with him to a different state with our friends (when I tried so hard to take you to do our trips here). Idk it was tough. Nothing on you, which is why it was so hard for me to write because I was trying to navigate my feelings and my reactions. You did everything I wanted you to do in terms of yourself. I guess this ties back to one of my early posts last week feeling like things are so hidden and not understanding what is going through your head and wishing you were straight foward regarding your thoughts and feelings about all of this. Like if I didnt see kevins video would I have ever found out? Would you have wanted to call me?

Ugh so much went through my head this weekend where I tried to navigate and recenter my thoughts. I love you and am trying my best to stay strong in my feelings and foundation. 

One thing that I can reassure. was that after I had my mini breakdown I dinner, I pivoted and made sure I was in control of the rest of my evening and just fell into the arms of my friends.  I actually had a pretty incredible weekend and am looking forward to the next weekend and week after that. Same thing I told kevin, Im okay :) I love you lots and am very happy you got to experience something I waited so long to experience. Looks like youre having fun out there, you deserve to be happy and free.  Also you look beautiful.

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March 10 part 2

I always wished when I started rambling and go on and on about worries that you would just grab my head and kiss me, smile, and say it doesnt matter I love you. Shut me up by kissing me. and if I kept talking just keep kissing me. 

the other day you said you wish you could write back or react. what if I made a tumblr? it'd be easier for me to upload and write. I cant reblog pictures that make me think of you. and I can make it private so its just us following each other. WAIT I LOVE THAT. Im going to make us a tumblr to live out our tumblr days. and there maybe I dont have to feel like im talking to a void. maybe I can see a light of you there with me. 

March 10

Will I drunk call you this weekend? Will I stumble to your house? Will I get to see you? Stay tuned haha because I miss you and wouldnt put it passed me. Anyways I watched that movie below last night and it was cute I loved the things Ashton kutcher did and how he still loved her despite what he saw. And thought he could act otherwise but he just simply loves her. It ended quick but its funny to see her ask him why didnt you tell me you loved me after so long? And to be frank, thats why Im here. I wanna tell you that everyday I can so that you dont think otherwise. Id much rather wake up every morning, give you a kiss, and do that. But like you said I cant expect that in my life I just have to accept situations and be here. 

Anyways I hope you have a weekend where you are taking care of. I want you relaxed and recentered this weekend. Id love for us to get a massage together. Or massage each other haha. Anyways I love you. I hope I get through this weekend without thinking about how sad I am that we arent together LOL... tough. tough. tough. okay bye. 


the other night, on the counch, in each others arms (and your phone call)

both times you mentioned something along the lines being scared youre making a mistake and not wanting to waste time. I know you my not remember it, but I want you to be certain when you fall in love with me. I keep saying you cant make a wrong decision because you are full of love and will thrive in whatever decision you make. I dont want you to be scared when you fall in love with me. I want you running into my arms out of excitement to be with me and everything to come with me everyday afterwards. I hope one day you are as certain about this as I am. I always see posts archived, stories cut, and even telling me to drive away from your house I just feel hidden at times true feelings are hidden. I know our feelings for each other right now. We were so close the other night at jokoy and I wanna go over there and tell you to come home with me... but I cant tell you to be with me. I want you to come choose me. omg this is ramble. Ill clean it up tomorrow.

something to dream about tonight

just say the word and lets go. pictures at sunset, hikes during the day, dinner at night cuddling by the fire, and a beer or two before making love all night. and you see that guitar too? 

our favorite place and then we roam the city after one night away from everything. 


I've seen you once a week for the last month.

what am I complaining about? I've seen once a week every week for the last month haha you need to get out of your head Austin. I'm actually so grateful because every single one of those days were actually so amazing and felt so incredible. Like every time I've seen you this last month was amazing and as much as I wish we just fell into everyday life together wowowow. I get to have all that with you while you are happy. perspective. 

Mar 9

I know I write a lot but it's getting hard for me. Not in the sense that I dont have anything to talk about but in the sense of pouring my heart into this everyday and not knowing if it even matters. Pouring my love into this knowing that I cant receive that full love back because you chose someone else seems crazy. To sit hear everyday saying I love you while you have a boyfriend is absolutely insane on my part. And nights I sit here missing you, you are communicating how much you care for someone else. It made me a bit sad for myself. I thought I should stop writing for a couple days to get recentered. 

BUT the reason I didnt stop is because I reminded myself the reason I was doing this. It isnt for validation from you, or an outcome to make you breakup with him. It was to reassure my love for you and so that I never get to miss my chance with you. It was to keep filling your heart with my love everyday you read it so you could feel me next to you. Holding on to you.

There is no time limit or expiration on my love for you. If you come back to me it's supposed to be on your own pace. On your own terms. 

At any moment I hesitate I yell to myself, dont be scared to love her. Dont doubt your love for her just because you dont see/talk to her. Dont be embarrassed when you feel like she doesnt love you back or her attention lies else ware. 

If you be certain in yourself and your feelings you are no longer reactive. You are your true self and honest with how you feel. I love Hnin so fucking much. Keep living your life Austin and keep being honest with how you love. I'll never have a regret for loving hnin so much. 

Mar 8 good night

1.She's the moon in human form.

2.Her love is pure and sweet and the world doesnt taste quite the same after her.

3.She has too much sould to be involved with someone who isnt passionate 

4.She's the most abundance a human can be,


Mar 8 evening

I miss you everyday by why so much more today? Why do I want to run over there and take you home? I almost slept all night but I got up cooked and listened to music. Trying to find ways to keep my mind from constantly wondering over to you. Is it the same for you? Any of this? The heart ache, the day dreams, the thoughts, the lingering for more? Even when in Japan I know Ill think this way just like when you were in Aspen. Just sitting here planning Japan my mind wraps around how I want you to see and eat things with me. How I wanna run with you to take pictures at team lab planets or the mt fuji gates. The boat with cherry blossoms. You in pink. I cant just turn this off. Even when I sleep you would think I would stop thinking about you for a moment but you always find a way in there with me. I cant remember if you said this last night on the phone or if it was in my dream but I remember you said I'm always going to be like this because I refuse to stop. And then I replied, of course I dont want to stop because it has to be you. I hate not waking up next to you. I miss our cuddles. I miss smelling you. I miss that feeling when our faces are close together right before we kiss. I miss that tension and then kissing you and not letting you go. I miss everything about you and I just dont know what to do. 

Mar 8 should have done this at 5am last night

I've been itching to write this since last night, but there is no better way then to start my day writing to you. First, I just wanted to call you because I miss you. I love hearing your voice. And you picking up the phone makes my heart jump. I just like talking to you I dont know how it got into a conversation about everything else because I wasnt thinking about any of those other things. I was just sleepy and didnt realize the conversation took a turn about other things. I just like ending my night with you. And if not in my arms then in my heart. 

Second, when I said time doesnt matter. I meant because I told you I'm here for you forever. Not that I didnt care for it. Of course I'd love to have you in my arms now but I always am a big advocate for taking your time to go through your motions. I know we have been through a lot, I know there is a lot of trust and security to build, I know we both need time to understand ourselves, our wants, experience the world, and people. I NEVER wanna rush you. Time and going at a pace has always been important to me and I want you to live your life at the timing you deem best. That is what makes the healthiest version of you, me, anyone. I miss you but I have all the time in the world for you. No day is wasted when its for something greater. 

Finally, I have to keep writing. I have to keep loving you without expecting anything in return. Because the moment I get sad from not hearing from you. The moment I think of the other guy. The moment I get scared that Im talking to myself is the moment I let fear back in. There is no room for that. I love you thats the bottom line and I cant question the feeling of you in my heart. It's been tough. And its starting to feel like a rollercoaster again since we dont stay in each others arms. But let me get off the rollercoaster of what is happening and get on the ride of loving you. Because thats stable and consistent. 

I just see you in every moment in my life where I want you in my arms. "Everyday, everyday, everyday, everyday-Manilla Killa" 52 seconds onwards is where I thought of you this morning <3

Mar 7

Here's my thing today. Living life not together is dumb. A little blunt but doing these things in life not with someone who you know you are suppose to feels a little foolish. Everytime I'm doing something it has always felt like that. And we do things we like with other and we are happy doing them. But not doing it together feels like a portion of it is missing while we are still happy with our lives and now. we just feel a portion of ourselves missing when living life separately. Does that change over time? Do you fill it in with someone else? Do we ever really enjoy things the same?

Idk I have goosebumps writing this thinking about our interactions on our good nights. And it just felt comfortable. Maybe its because I havent felt that comfort with someone else in so long. Im glad you have though. I just cant seem to imagine it right now. Or maybe I dont want to. 

Stay warm, dont get sick. I hope your dad is doing okay <3

Mar 6

Not me starting off the day talking to my coworkers about how much I enjoyed jokoy lol. I was helping my friends navigate through their anxious attachment and etc yesterday and it's funny because it all advice I've been taking myself and stuff that I want to keep working on. And talking thinking in terms of us and you is honestly so refreshing because it helps me continuously revisit our relationship.

I keep telling them the same stuff Ive been telling myself that keeps me at peace. Like a big concern of theirs is that their person is with/talking to someone else. Or that they question whether or not their person loved them after moving on and feeling like a fool. Being in control of their emotions.

I guess all I could tell them is you should love or care for people in a non reactionary way. And I dont know how deep of a connection they had with their person but I was telling them how I've come to the point about you where Im gonna love you the same way regardless if I get a reply, whether you love me back, or anything of the sort. Because that's truly how I feel and it brings me peace knowing my truth. I told them to stop worrying about looking stupid or foolish to others or in their head for feeling how they feel. 

I also told them to create a boundary for themselves to help them control their emotions. Not everything has to relate/define them as a person. That's where their self esteem takes a dive and they are not defined by the love of another person. 

I guess overall what I was thinking in terms of us was that I love you regardless. Whether or not you are my girlfriend it isn't a reflection of your love for me or my worth. I know you love me. I know I'm someone that makes you happy. I know that we have a connection that we've never experienced. And I know a series of events lead us to this point. I will continue to love you because of the feeling deep inside of me that I get when Im with you and thats the feeling that I trust. I cant be reactionary because if people stay like that they will never be their true self and only change based on situations, events, and sometimes assumptions. 

Another monday morning rant that probably ended up with me talking a lot lol. Have a good week. I'm excited for this week to clean and to be our and about. I like to see the world and see you in it rather than sit at home lost in my thoughts with you. 

I cant wait to see you again...

Mar 5 goodnight

You know what I think about during my walks? That my love wasn't enough to be chosen to hold onto in the end despite everything. Just speaking honestly here so that this isn't just place of highlights of our love for each other. But this overwhelming love and certainty ended up not being all that was needed and it would be crazy to think so otherwise. A little disheartening but it makes sense.

That's why I've been so happy with these little moments with you because what was needed was opportunities to prove how awesome our times together could be.  And also reaffirm the feelings we have for each other. That's why ill take these moments as friends and try time and time again to prove how right this can be. Cause moments like all the ones I've been recapping fills my heart so much.

I just feel a bit guilty in the sense of being hidden. Am I doing a disservice to you? A disservice to the other guy you respect so much? Is he allowing our friendship to be a thing or is this all hidden?

Trust me I love every moment of being so close to you, but I dont want you to resent me one day if our intimacy isnt something that is allowed. Maybe thats why i find it easier to sit outside your house and write rather than call you out and be in your arms. In the past I wasnt sure if it was okay that I was there and even now Im not sure if its okay for me to sit outside calling for you. 

Had to find a way to articulate all this before the week... 

Lot of things had been going through my mind, but so much of it was worth it for my night with you. 

Some other nights I think was comparable to this weekend were daughter thais anniversary, your birthday dinner where we went to beninhannas and the mall, new years at bens, said the sky, our first time at ikea, and honestly all of our more recent moments together actually. 

good night, hnin

Mar 5

Wow, what a night last night was with you... sitting in a small restaurant, laughing, holding you in my arm during the show singing, sitting at a random bar for shots. Just a night that felt right. Dropping you off was hard and writing this weekend was tough. I didnt see your text the other day and thought I wouldnt hear from you, then I got your call friday night. and then we had last night. Like what a wonderful surprise life is at time. Its tough because I dont know the next time we get time together and it's scary because I cant expect to see you anytime soon and then it seems like you slip out of my life temporarily. I woke up at 3am last night and couldnt sleep til like 5am. I wanted to call you. And I know I can and that youd welcome me with open arms. But for some reason last night I just laid there. 

You aren't mine and Im just blessed that you allow me in your life to enjoy our time together. Of course I stand by what I said at stanley marketplace. I want you in any crevasse of my life I can get you in. I need to keep in mind the boundaries we have set and cant expect anymore than that. Im just going to accept what I can get from you when I can and accept anything our future leads us to.

Still so much love, so much happiness, and quite a heavy heart. ARGHHH what night :)


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Mar 3

Did you feel me? Anyone outside of us would think we are freaking crazy. And maybe we are. I remember you telling me to keep living my life, but it's so hard to keep doing these things when the life I wanna live is with you. I keep thinking back to all these movies and wondering do you see a future with someone else rather than me? 30 years down the road? do they put your soul at east when the world crashes down? do you think youll fall in love with them?

haha these are dumb questions to ask. of course you wouldnt know. and of course theres a reason why youre not in my arms.  and of course Im just sitting here always holding on. i know myself and my heart all too well. 

is it unfair to YOU that I sit here and tell you I love you everyday? If you love me fully again one day I just want it to be without doubt so that we can flourish and I guess thats why I keep sitting here. because I want any possible love with you to be without doubt. I've never been okay with a situation like this. yet for you I think I'd do anything. maybe I am just crazy. crazy in love or maybe just crazy. k. lets get the day going :) hope you're smiling today. hope you have a weekend with friends and loved ones. hope your studying is well. hope you are just so, so happy. that makes me feel better. just hoping that everything that serves you is for you. yeah. that makes my heart full after writing that. 

Mar 2

Good morning! It's weird to not know how you're doing. Sometimes it's like I talk to myself in an empty room, but you happen to be on the other side of the door listening. As I sit on this rollercoaster of missing you and accepting what is. I keep hearing the words of you telling me to accept things in my life as it comes. And I guess that's all I can do while continuing to feel and think the way I do. I screen shotted a couple songs that I feel speak to me describing our thoughts for each other but the video I wanted to share today is something that made me think of us sitting in my room the other night. Spending my night in with aaron and thuy was really nice and helped me get my bearings straight this week. 

Anywhoo, enjoy the video. I hope you're having an incredible week. Slowly accepting life for what is while still loving you everyday. Miss you & love you as always. 

Feb 28

That's the thing about dreams. Waking up just seems to be nothing but less than them. What a weekend. From messaging you during work on friday, a call on saturday, and holding you sunday. Now I just go back to reality? 

Just like you said I cant expect anything and only accept what is. You could tell I was on a high when I asked if you wanted to do dinner with my family lol. That was me expecting. Whoops. Anyways like I said in the last post Im so grateful. Every extra moment I get with you. Every touch, every thought, every picture, video, piece of life. Thank you.

I dont feel misunderstood I feel connected. I dont used I just feel loved. My wish came true that night. 

Happy birthday to us <3

Feb 27

Last night, having you in my arms and having us sing happy birthday <3

It feels so right and I want you so badly. 

I just want you to be happy and I love you so much. 

And my heart has such an abundance of love for every moment I get with you and every moment I see you strive to be happy. 


that's it. thats the post. 

LMAO thats not the post here's more. Fun fact in the last 3 years you are the only person that I've seen on my exact birthday for all of them. You came outside and we sang happy birthday to each other to just hold each other after. Like what kind of movie are. we in? *sigh* it's literally a dream. Can you imagine if you find your way back to me one day that we look at all these videos and moments? Where's the camera crew because this is a whole story in itself. okay now I will go edit, shower, and sleep. 

Feb 26

So I was originally going to write about all the things that happened/were planned today but I was lucky enough to hear your voice all weekend <3

Anyways I wanted to start by saying some things I was looking forward to and that happened today because I wanted this to also be a place that isn't just about me hurting but things I think youd enjoy in my life/where I feel you next to me. 

You already know about the sound bath and how amazing it was and I was already planning on gifting you one when you needed it. I felt like it was a very spiritual thing and so good for my soul and it was something I wanted to share with you. I told you I was in the CRAZIEST TRANCE. I love that you called me about it because it felt like you knew I was already going to write about it LOL. 

Also about asking for dinner, that was dumb of me to ask I am so sorry. When you replied I was just like "what were you thinking dude". Im sorry I shouldnt have put you into that situation. I just want to keep extending these moments just in case its a moment where timing connects. And I guess the next thing is your graduation. Offer is still up for a personal omakase chep at my house underneath my edison light bulbs. Im not sure how you feel about that but if it gets to happen Id love to experience it. with you. Regardless I wanna call and celebrate you, see your face, or something. Im so freaking excited for you my heart can jump out of my chest!

Anywho, my heart jumps at every moment with you and honestly kept hoping Id see you outside for a moment. Idk where my head has been but I feel like Im trying to send signals to see how close you are to me. I know after your conversations with me, but these last couple days seem like a dream even though our interactions are sparse. 

Last thing thats a pick me up is your snowboarding. I love seeing you do it. I love how far you come. And I hope I get to ride next to you another day. I am just so happy for all the things in your life. I honestly cant wait to get rid of my. injuries to do what I love too. 

I also owe you a video from my other night with thuy and aaron. I pulled out my ukulele thinking of you and we all sang. I havent done that with anyone except you in years. and its funny how sitting on the ground with you made me feel like I was traveling to the past in high school and made me want to do it again. 


Also I have another video coming for you thats we talked about recently smirky face emoji

Heres the video so we never forget our promise:

Even when you arent here

Before I forget I need to tell you about the other night with carter. I walked away from our group to sit down for a second and he came over to sit next to me and ask how I was doing. Ive bailed on a couple concerts and left events because I was in the mental space to be there. Smiling as I left each time I mentioned I wasnt in the mental space to be there not cause I was sad but because I realized it wasnt where I needed to be. I was having lots of fun but I wanted to be there with you and if not at the moment I wanted to be home or next to you. (one of those nights was the night I sped over to your house)

Anyways, I told carter Im just sad and I miss you. The thing is because of my action and circumstances in life I may have lost the love of my life temporarily or forever. I told him you were in a realtionship with someone else and despite it all I still love you with my heart and dont feel any other way toward you. Of course Im sad but I understand why it isnt me and just truly want you to be happy. I told him I have nothing but the abundance of love for this girl and that I truly believe its us that is meant to be together. 

Carter said he knows. His love of his life married someone when carter went on his mission trip somewhere else in the world. and he felt she jumped into it because that guy was there immediately and filled her void that she wanted filled right away. but her and carter still love each other. and she calls carter to talk about things and enjoy things that she said she could never do with even her husband. and we just sat there thinking that the people that we are so connected to may have grabbed something they needed so bad because carter and i werent next to them and brought them into the world with us.

thats the background, but where you touched my soul. is that talking about my truest form of love for you and honest in the sense of how i care for you and how i knew i missed my chance it connected me and carter. he then opened up to me how hard it is for him when sabrina talks about me and the tough things she says because he said he sees himself in me. he thinks we take the same approach to life, same love for humans, and hurt the same way about the people we love the most. he opened up and told me why he is so close to me and what makes in hard in his life. we even talked about our upbringings.

but to keep it short even when you arent there you touch my life. anytime i am honest about you, you touch my life. even with my time with thuy and victor. I just know loving you is the answer to everything in my life and once again I felt like you were sitting there with me with you hand on my back.

Weekends have always been rough without you


Just took a nap and literally the second I woke up you were on my mind. The things is I still want you there. I just want to be able to think about you while you are in my arms. I'm going to get up and clean today and try not to think too much. 

The thing is I want you here in my arms TONIGHT.

*sigh* I need to keep in mind why you are doing this for yourself. I need to keep in mind that you are probably with someone else because thats where your heart lies and I need to respect that. I do take so much comfort in being able to message back and forth and it makes my heart so happy to know that we both make each other still feel the way we do sexually and spiritually. I want to so badly take you to do things outside of our words and messages to start rebuilding that sense of trust and good memories but I just dont think Ill get that chance with you. Whether we start small and just walk outside when its warm, go on a hike, or I get to take you to a new place in colorado or out. I just want the tiniest place to start creating that with you. *deep breathe*

I keep dreaming theres this moment where all these words get to you and you let me in and let all of this flow into you. I keep dreaming that all my prayers are answered and we run into each others arms to never let go. I wouldve loved to just stand in the street the night  you came over and hugged you forever right there. 

Okay :) I feel better talking to you. Hope you had a good weekend I love you so much.

Feb 25


I got the chance to sit with victor and thuy to finally have a real talk about life since we are usually so busy when we see each other. I talked about you to both of them. I told them how much I love you. I told them how it makes so much sense to me now. And I told them that I miss you but it's out of my control right now and all I can do is be as true to myself as possible. Just keep loving and do it in the healthiest way for both you and I which is why Im here lol. I also talked about my relationship with them over the years and how hard it was to talk to anyone about things going on in my life/about you for so long. And it was finally such a relief to just say to them that I miss my time with them and say I love Hnin and what her undoubtedly. 

"Sigh" Your videos make me so happy. Every interaction I get with you make me so happy. And it makes me miss you so much more. I get we get to share this mutual love and connection right now in these moments and Im truly so grateful for it. I dont know how they do it in the movies, but it's tough when you lose someone. I'm happy your happy but it's sad to see your tiktok with someone else and not be sure if youre talking about me or them anymore. But that is whats going to come when you pursue something with someone else.

I wake up and see it and get a little sad. But what gets me out of bed is coming here to write this. I love this girl. Shes smiling. 

I want to call you and drag you over to my house. But if I do it and have you spend the night with me I want you forever. Otherwise I'm just messing up your boundaries and not respecting you.

Idk if thats his voice in the song, but hearing and seeing a moment that you know is no longer shared between the two of you kinda throws you into this space of limbo. You feel disassociated from life for a second. I just keeps sinking in more and more that you are with someone else and is only going to be like that as life goes on. *deep breathe, legs shaking a bit*

Could you imagine if you came that night with the roses on the bed? If you didnt tell me and you just came?

I always think about that tik tok that say we need to romanticize our life because saying that we dont have the power to make these things in our imagination come true limits us. 

So thats why Ill sit in a resteraunt waiting for you. Thats why i will write to you. Thats why Ill reply every chance I get to you even if I hear nothing back. Our lives deserve us to give everything. I always wanted something that was worth fighting for. Because now i know I didnt want it because it was convenient. I wanted it because its something I wanted more than anything in the world. 

Thanks for visiting me in my dreams agian <3

Feb 24 

You know what? Our love is going to be so incredible if given the opportunity. Like we could've chose the easy way our so many times. Not dwell on our feelings for each other and just move on. If we just stopped loving each other that would have been the easy option. But still having this love for you and us being able to have these moments where our guards go down and even plan for a future of possibility (I know you arent guranteeing anything), but we didn't have to do that. We couldve just moved on and not care. 

I know you may be concerned that this holds me hostage. But its how I am with you. I think you understand that so well that when you want someone so bad, when you crave their touch, and when crave their soul theres nothing stopping that. No way anyone in the past could tell you to stop and thats why I think you know its why i cant stop. No matter what. 

When you said you felt like the main character about the other weekend it made me happy as fuck. Thats what I want this to be. Making you the main character. Giving you the choices, the support, the love. I did something right that weekend. And if you are the main character in this love story, I'm your true love running to you and announcing my love for you with no doubt and with full confidence. I hope this is the movie ends where everything I say gets through. I hope theres a moment you cant deny it anymore and come to my door. Tell me to meet you somewhere. Send me a letter. And we embrace each other like we found something we lost/been searching our entire life. 

I know this is more than a love movie and its real life. Its going to take more than that for me to rebuild trust, comfort in a gentle love, and firm support. Ill pour everything I have into this foundation for you. Ill take whatever job I can to fit the lifestyle needed to experience this world with you. Ive never been so willing to give up everything for something in my life. 

Still very hard. I just keep imagining that you want that intimacy we have from someone else and it is so freaking scary.

But I just hope that one day when you come to my door, you stay with me every night from there on out and live with me.  The next time we have sex I want that to be the announcing that you are my lover for life. I dont just want to have sex with you I want to make love to you and hold your body so tight against mine. I want to sit inside you and stare into your eyes and know this is love that no one can ever have with you like I do.  Making love is so much more than having sex. Sometimes when we have sex and kiss I think of it as a connected circle. That your soul is pouring into mine as we kiss and goes back into you as we make love. Thats why I loved kissing you while we were having sex. UGHHHHH WHAT IS GOING ON HOW CAN WE NOT BE IN EACH OTHERS ARMS. 




This video is what I want to do for the rest of the year with you. Go check out the instagram @itsamsam.jpg I love how she captures her relationship and life. I want to throw my camera on a tripod an dance with you under the lights. All I can think about the japan trip is how I wanted to record you in the wooden tubs and skyline. Actually right now if you would consider I would buy your ticket to go with me and my family.  Can you imagine getting to see a new place in the world and with a my family and grandma?

Also the picture below is our plant blooming. Shes doing so well and there was just a hibernation stage and I have a feeling that she will have a flower. And if she does Im giving you a call. A sign of something that took so long but did something so beautiful She was my first plant from you and I loved taking care of her. 



Feb 23 Our Love Story I didnt go to sleep til 3 am this morning. For some reason I couldnt passout I just layed there. Not tired in the slightest. Then I made this video. I left yesterday feeling so in love. It just keeps growing and growing. It's crazy because even after hearing that I'm not the decision right now I love you more than ever. From our conversation about taking care of each others families, to running to the car in the cold, to your 2 maybe 3 farts in the car, and to our video. There is no doubt in my mind. I know my certainty cannot speak for my actions for for the motions of what you go through in life. And I expect nothing less. 

But I love you. I cant thank you enough for moments like yesterday. I still have some letters like my apology letter, my dream letter, and etc. But right now I had to disclose how incredible it is to feel that tingle in my body with you. Even right now its overcoming my entire body. I hope that I get to continue to do the weirdest things with you, I hope we get to tease and tickle each other, I hope that we get to continue to remind each other how incredible of humans/unique we are from the world. 

31, sooner, or maybe never if you are the happiest you become. I love you and I cant wait to meet you again. I cant wait to start from scratch and run away with you and never stop. 

And on the not so romantic side the following post is another relatable post that I cant help but think of you when I see. I want to run outside to hold you. Pull you inside of my house and kiss you against my front door. Grab your butt youve been working on then life you into my room. I want to hold you against the wall and go down to strip your pants. Then I want to take your shirt off and have you push me onto the bed. And as you get onto me on want to flip you and make you feel amazing. And let me start into you like that one day where you had never seen me look at you that way before. Then I want to use your vibrator and hold you down while slowly using it til you body twitches. Our first date, I'm going to have you again... Your body and mine.  

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Wow today just got tougher. How do you walk away from someone that you love and loves you back? I guess when you have something else to fill it, it helps. And I thought knowing you loved me would be enough to be okay with losing you. But imagining that the girl who loves me could be in bed with someone else is scary. What if I never get to see you again? HA STOP AUSTIN. We will always find our way back to each other. I love you, you love me. You are filling your own cup right now through someone else and I need to fill mine with time for myself. I'll purse things I love, go to places I want to see, and take care of myself. 

I'm just going to miss you. I going to miss our moments together. I'm going to miss the smell on your neck, your hugs from behind, your voice and accent, and just talking to you. Please I pray that I never lose you. I have to love you so much that I can let you shine. I have to love you so much that if I ever get the chance, I can grab you and never let go. I have to love you so much that I can make myself smile right now. Cause if I cant love you more than anything in the world I'm going to be so sad. 

If I get to see you on my birthday I want to make a couple tiktoks. The one from zootopia, a couple other funny ones, and take a picture. Because I want to save these moments forever. Just like someone great. If we can just do one more forever I know we are forever.


Wiping my tears and LEAVING WORK. Dammit I love you Hnin.  

Feb 15th I guess this is it. This the start of me building our house. This is my 500 days of Summer. I have a lot I've written in my "toboatboat" instagram and am slowly going to migrate it all here. And then I'm just going to did what I did before and document the moments you appear in my life. All my love letters, my hopes, my apologies as I learn and reflect, my clarifications if I felt like. we didn't understand each other. Far too many people lose each other in life just because we had thought something else. I know some actions don't align but I was a fool for not being able to show you how I thought of you everyday in January. I'm never going to just wait to see & talk to you again. 

Here's my heart whether you ever come here to see it or not. 

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Feb 17th. I found you here today. I was looking for a song for a big video that I'm doing as a passion project. Its from the story I told you in bed where the boy doesnt care what happens to the world because he found happiness in her. The girl that brought the sun. Its one of my favorite movies and the song just makes me think how I want you to come to Japan with my family and I and how I want to record us in the world together. 

I have goosebumps all over my body how happy I feel to just love you right now. I know you might not ever see this. I know you might be gone. But Im so happy to feel this love for you right now and see you in parts of this world.

I keep thinking back to the other nights when you mentioned your dream of us together in the canyon. I dont think that you did anything to selfishly get what you wanted just to leave afterwards. I do think there was a portion of you that really just wanted to give yourself to everything that felt right. Everything that we've been fighting for. 

I feel like I know you deep down. You love so much more purely than that and holding you in my arms I know it isnt something that you denied in the moment. 

I guess thats why I can keep holding on I feel  it even though I wont hear from you anymore. Its my faith in us, its my connection. I hope you have a good weekend. Im sorry ahead of time if I drunk call you.

Feb 19th You know my birthday is my favorite holiday because I get to choose who I am around. And honestly you were the only person I needed there. No matter what the circumstance, me being around you and you finally meeting folks that impacted my life is what I care for. And then listening to you so I could fall asleep and even hearing that I still pop up in your dream just puts me at ease..

Today I took a trip out to california with my friend dru to a film festival to feed my soul. There I watched films of so many individuals that have inspired me to do what I do. I saw you in so may of the films then a couple in front of me shared a kiss. Today I saw you mixed with my passion and imagined us dressing up and just spending time together in the hotel. 

I hope this guy has things to show you in that sense as well. Good night,. I love and miss you.

Feb 20th very important read  Yesterday the song shrine by rl grime hex cougar remix made me think of you. drove down the road singing it thinking about how much I love the song snowboarding and how crazy that its my favorite song that relates to you. 

anyways I realized a portion of why i am so much more  understanding of my feelings now and sure of things and it's been an accumulation of me being able to pour my feelings out to individuals more and talk to people about you and myself. Before I didnt have anywhere to go but between the interaction with my dad, having tayto, and talking to my friends vy, mimi, ona. thuy, and aaron I had a place to vocalize how much I love you. mimi and vy are going through their break ups now and what I get out of them is seeing how anxious attatchment affects them so much and finally sees what its done to me along with my anxiety. and giving them advice on how to address it and also interact with their exes (because they have both been really trying to hold on similar to me) it gives me the clarity to take my own advice. I am so bad at decisions for myself but very good at helping others and through helping them it made me realize I cant be like them and so fearful of life. with ona the level of love i express to him about you and breaking down on the phone provided an insane level of understanding what you mean to me. hes someone who had been so broken recently and understands me being through a couple of my relationships and understand how different and important of a human you are to me. he has been someone who just have supported me but also given me advice on how to take care of myself when chasing you. and finally aaron and thuy have let me broke down a version of my inner child and comforted that with presence.  aaron sees my pain and guilt and how badly i want to change and love myself so I can love and take care of you fully. he helped me release so much guilt moving in and becoming my best friend that I realized we are not who we used to be or are guilty to be. we are the people who choose to love people like you and take care of. and thuy also helped me talk about why its so important to me to build this with you and not anyone else. youve seen me at my worst and thats someone i want to build a relationship with. someone that has seen me evolved and that means if we got through that we can get through ANYTHING. everything else to come will be cake in comparison to what we had gone though. thats whats been going on the last couple months to justify these major advancements in who i am. recent ones include dru and socheata. dru is the one who had messed up so long after the death of his dad (way deeper story) but one thing that sparked him one day is he realized how much this girl loved him and really held him down and she always has. but he sat at home one day lit up a blunt and it hit him. after that everything changed in what he did. she continued to love him as she had but he poured everything into her at that point. what he and i are doing isnt fair. two girls that did everything for us didnt deserve that and thats why at that point they deserve everything on the line for that and he had her move in helped her build her company and have a kid. and now shes encouraging him to pursue his life. and thats where im at with you. i want you taken care of, build you business, free yourself from debt and give you a place to live with me. take you into mu family and live all my life with you. i have this because of you and you deserve the world because of that. as for soecheata me and her argue all the time abuot life stuff and she always tries to ask if I love myself why do I do this and put myself in so much pain. and i correct her and let her know the reason hnin is a non negotiable in my life and i NEED her in it is becasue i DO love myself. a life with hnin is the best thing anyone could ask for.

so if you ask what made the switch go off in your head, why now, what makes you different? these are a few of the things that have affected my mindset the last couple months and this isnt just some bullshit. i have reasons before everything recently and didnt know how to articulate it when you first asked. this is it. 

ALSO clearly nothing on this page is scripted cause my spelling and grammar are attrocious LOL

Random thoughts I've been saving throughout the last couple weeks

What do you make of those dreams you have? What are they, do you think they mean anything from your deeper consciousness? 

I want to give you space right now, but I'm terrified this space is perceived as loving you less. I'm scared the distance I create between us causes you to think that I'm happy away from you. Anytime we had time apart my heart was ripped and I couldn't leave my bed. And when I tried to just live life in any sense it would feel meaningless without you with me. 

In the past I was always scared to post anything that resembled a good time because I didnt want you to think I was happier without you. I didnt want social media or others to give you the false idea of what my life is actually like. Especially the cabin trip weekend. I had an anxiety attack in the hot tub with lilly eileen and their cousin thinking about my injury and how I couldnt make it to you. Idk what you might have perceived it to be from what you heard but my favorite moments in life are with you.

I never meant to love bomb. It terms of our entire relationship it seems that way but I drastically wanted to show you how much things have changed for me to want to love you, support you, and do anything you needed in terms of love. I wanted to make and set so many future plans to show you how long term and consistent I wanted it to be. I wanted to show how hard I was committing to us and make everything we both always wanted to happen. 

The reason it seems like this is all rehearsed or Im just telling you want you want to hear is because I finally get it. Before I didnt. Before it didnt click and we would go in circles. It all sounds perfect right now because everything has shifted in my mind. You've been on my non stop for the last 2 year. and man if things didnt start to click that wouldnt make sense. itd be like i was thinking about nothing. 

I have more but I need to get back to work but I wanna leave this list of thoughts here. I dont care how long it takes. I dont care what happens between now and if I get another chance with you. Ive already surrendered my heart to you and there is no more pain to heal, distrust to create, and question on how to love you. 

   I know I used to talk about compatibility but Ive finally come to the answer Ive always been looking for. Just because we are the same the focus is not on that we  have the same weaknesses and cant get past it. The focus is on that we will always ultimately understand each other the same because we both have similarities in what makes us feel at home, on what we value in the world, and how we always want to hold each other. I was so hyper-focused on our moments that were tough and never realized how we always came back to hold each other no matter what. My answer to the compatibility is that we are perfect for each other because we are the same. 

   I've never been so sure of anything in my life. Knowing we went through so much in our lives doesnt scare me. It gives me so much courage because I went through hell in back trying to understand everything I do now and Im still in love with this beautiful human despite it all, and if thats the worst life is going to be so amazing with you when our loves gets to be expressed through everything that is right. 


 I fucking love you. You are the most important person to me. 

Feb 21 I was talking with a friend last night and she had talked about wanting the power in her relationship because it felt like she finally had control in it. And I was telling her that trying to always be covered who has power in a relationship and worry about if you are being taken advantaged of is a product of distrust and conditional love. I realized how nice it is right not to not have to worry and put aside my humility in regards to just loving you. I don't care if its a matter of when you decide to choose me if at all. I'll walk through life everyday knowing that I can choose you fully now at any point in life. Don't get me wrong, picturing you in the arms of someone else is pretty heartbreaking but it doesnt make me love you any less. What makes me love you in the rooted human you are and the side I've witnessed when we felt saw raw and let everything in our mind and our lives down. 

Part 2 wow today is hard. I really miss you. It's so warm today and you think the sun helps but it just makes me miss wanting to be with you in the warmth. There's so many things I know you love so much and the idea that we won't get to be is kinda heartbreaking. I talked to kevin (oregon kevin) and we really went through the same exact thing. Except he resents her for moving on yet I still feel so much love for you whether you choose me or not. I love you and I want your happiness. Im sad but I love you for whatever choice you make cause youll be cared for that way. 

Love videos

"Let's be honest. My love letters are probably crap. I can't spell, I begin to ramble, and it's just endless words. I feel so much while making videos because I get to tell the story with moments I capture through my own emotions. I cried at work making this thinking about how if there's anything in this world worth fighting for it's for my connection with you. Whether that leads you back into my arms or not I cannot ignore  the truest form of love I've ever felt for someone. 

Beyond the fear of being hurt, the concern of doubt, and passed all our experiences  where I didn't understand there's a sense of hopefulness and comfort. Comfort in the idea that if we loved through some of the hardest moments in our life on the other side of everything we've worked passed will be infinitely easier than everything we've done. If we could love each other through the moments of growth and change we can love each other passed it. 

 I know I used to talk about compatibility but Ive finally come to the answer Ive always been looking for. Just because we are the same person, the focus is not on us having the same weaknesses and getting past it. The focus is on that we will always ultimately understand each other the same because we both have similarities in what makes us feel at home, on what we value in the world, and how we always want to be in each others arms. I was so hyper-focused on our tough moments and never realized how we always came back to hold each other no matter what. My answer to the compatibility is that we are perfect for each other because we are the same. This is the answer I was searching for the day we took a walk around my neighborhood. I knew I wanted to be with you but I didn't know how to articulate on how we would get passed our mutual concern of compatibility.

I've never been more sure of anything in my life. And with that courage I am no longer scared of the what ifs that happen with life because I know I want to be with you forever. I want us to be part of each others tribe of humans. I want us to experience everything for our first time together.  I want to live and wake up next to you everyday. 

I know it's more writing but it's my birthday so cut me some slack lol."

Hnin (boat boat nyat nyat?) Aung,


First off I wanted to say Happy Birthday, Happy Golden Year, Happy New Year. I love you and I hope this is the most incredible year of your life. This letter is a compilation of everything that has been going through my head the last couple of weeks. In short, I love you and have never experienced anything close to you in my life. That’s all I can say to everyone as I keep repeating to them how much I love you.  I really can’t imagine experiencing anything greater than you in my life, but I guess that’s what love of my life means lol. 


I’ve been spending lots of time trying to rearticulate what I tried to communicate to you the last few nights we had together and here’s the best way I could put it. When I discussed that we were not compatible because we were too similar in sharing our strengths and weaknesses, I specifically was referring to our attachment styles. The anxiousness, jealousy, needing constant reassurance, not setting strong boundaries, pulling away from each other when we are hurt/scared, and etc. It’s said that people similar to us that struggle with the bad habits we have need to be paired with someone who has a secure attachment, good communication, and is in control of our emotions. And while we continue to struggle with our high emotions and lack of understanding each other with not the best communication it tires us so much emotionally and physically where we fight to survive to get to our moments of intimacy and love before we fall back into frustrations. 


Despite all of the above it doesn’t affect how much I love you. I want us to develop this love within ourselves without needing the constant reassurance from each other so that we can have a secure attachment. We will still shower each other with love, but I don't want us to NEED it and depend on it for our relationships. 


I think someone you're meant to be with forever, isn't someone where you love them one way forever. I believe that we find new ways to love each other through time falling in love with new and better versions of each other. And I guess that’s what I’m hoping we do. That we fall in love with each other all over again as we become better and understand ourselves more. 


To end this here are all the ways I reflected on my love for you and how I’ve felt these last couple of weeks:


Sept 12th, called you drunk because all I wanted was to be in your arms when I didnt feel well. Your voice was enough


Sept 17th, drove past your house after the concert. Realized I don’t want to roll anymore because nothing will ever top the roll I had with you in my arms looking at the stars on the way home. 


Sept 24th, got home and went through all our pictures and thought about my favorite things about you. The way you say booty booty, when you decided to help the homeless on your birthday, how quickly you picked up snowboarding, you doing this one foot dance, the day you watched uncharted, doing videos/photos with me in the forest, 


Sept 25th, just messaged Lauren about how thankful I was that she had brought me to the cabin and I met you. Literally changed my life forever.


Sept 26th, drove by your house to finish writing this letter. Kinda  creepy but it was nice being close to you and know how you feel


Sept 29th, this persons voice was annoying and was thinking how much I love the way you talk and the way you sound


Oct 2nd, I see why you love it here. Its perfect for you and I want you to live out here. 

Oct 7th Monica sent me a picture of us three on the patio. Wow. who would have thought everything you would end up meaning to me. 

Oct 10th Aaron came over and I was talking about how much I love the way you talk and how I love your quirkyness. Youre uniqueness. You're so special.

Oct 12th Well this is a collection of days, but I freaking love you. At first it was concerning how much I think of you on a daily basis. You're on my mind most of the day, but lately I've had the time to get things in my life together. And yet part of that still involves thinking about you. Seriously I talk about you all the time to people and its about all the things I love about you. Today I got to talk to thuy about how I met you and what made you so special to me. 

Oct 18th I thought I just missed your voice, but maybe it was your laugh. I'm struggling a lot right now reflecting on us. I just want it to be us and forget everything and anything around us. I just want nothing to exist anymore. Came by again today lol and I'm 2/9. 

Oct 19th I came by again and wanted to see you but I've got to stop. Idk where you spent the night, but me wanting to see you so badly is foolish cause it makes my mind run while you are out living your life. I get two feelings, 1 wish I got to pass you and talk to you 2 im happy shes living her life without me. Maybe shes actually happy. 

Oct 21st I just wanted to hold you and let you know how much I missed you.


 Oct 22nd I really cant live life without you, You consume my mind at all times and I feel like an idiot wanting to be by you and talk to you so much. Like why cant i detach and be able to live separately? Ever since I met you I wanted you to be my everything and just felt so comfortable in your arms. And now that your arms aren't here I feel like im crumbling.

Oct 25th Feels like I'm going through withdrawals. Thats what the love between you and I did to me. This last weekend, last couple of weeks have been too much. And why? You're happy and that's all I should care about. You're back in the clubs, you're traveling with new people, why should I be so scared to lose you to your happiness. I feel terrible, sad, heartbroken, but ultimately I should feel happy. I always wanted you to be as happiest as can be. And you are now. 

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