Hnin (boat boat nyat nyat?) Aung,
First off I wanted to say Happy Birthday, Happy Golden Year, Happy New Year. I love you and I hope this is the most incredible year of your life. This letter is a compilation of everything that has been going through my head the last couple of weeks. In short, I love you and have never experienced anything close to you in my life. That’s all I can say to everyone as I keep repeating to them how much I love you. I really can’t imagine experiencing anything greater than you in my life, but I guess that’s what love of my life means lol.
I’ve been spending lots of time trying to rearticulate what I tried to communicate to you the last few nights we had together and here’s the best way I could put it. When I discussed that we were not compatible because we were too similar in sharing our strengths and weaknesses, I specifically was referring to our attachment styles. The anxiousness, jealousy, needing constant reassurance, not setting strong boundaries, pulling away from each other when we are hurt/scared, and etc. It’s said that people similar to us that struggle with the bad habits we have need to be paired with someone who has a secure attachment, good communication, and is in control of our emotions. And while we continue to struggle with our high emotions and lack of understanding each other with not the best communication it tires us so much emotionally and physically where we fight to survive to get to our moments of intimacy and love before we fall back into frustrations.
Despite all of the above it doesn’t affect how much I love you. I want us to develop this love within ourselves without needing the constant reassurance from each other so that we can have a secure attachment. We will still shower each other with love, but I don't want us to NEED it and depend on it for our relationships.
I think someone you're meant to be with forever, isn't someone where you love them one way forever. I believe that we find new ways to love each other through time falling in love with new and better versions of each other. And I guess that’s what I’m hoping we do. That we fall in love with each other all over again as we become better and understand ourselves more.
To end this here are all the ways I reflected on my love for you and how I’ve felt these last couple of weeks:
Sept 12th, called you drunk because all I wanted was to be in your arms when I didnt feel well. Your voice was enough
Sept 17th, drove past your house after the concert. Realized I don’t want to roll anymore because nothing will ever top the roll I had with you in my arms looking at the stars on the way home.
Sept 24th, got home and went through all our pictures and thought about my favorite things about you. The way you say booty booty, when you decided to help the homeless on your birthday, how quickly you picked up snowboarding, you doing this one foot dance, the day you watched uncharted, doing videos/photos with me in the forest,
Sept 25th, just messaged Lauren about how thankful I was that she had brought me to the cabin and I met you. Literally changed my life forever.
Sept 26th, drove by your house to finish writing this letter. Kinda creepy but it was nice being close to you and know how you feel
Sept 29th, this persons voice was annoying and was thinking how much I love the way you talk and the way you sound
Oct 2nd, I see why you love it here. Its perfect for you and I want you to live out here.
Oct 7th Monica sent me a picture of us three on the patio. Wow. who would have thought everything you would end up meaning to me.
Oct 10th Aaron came over and I was talking about how much I love the way you talk and how I love your quirkyness. Youre uniqueness. You're so special.
Oct 12th Well this is a collection of days, but I freaking love you. At first it was concerning how much I think of you on a daily basis. You're on my mind most of the day, but lately I've had the time to get things in my life together. And yet part of that still involves thinking about you. Seriously I talk about you all the time to people and its about all the things I love about you. Today I got to talk to thuy about how I met you and what made you so special to me.
Oct 18th I thought I just missed your voice, but maybe it was your laugh. I'm struggling a lot right now reflecting on us. I just want it to be us and forget everything and anything around us. I just want nothing to exist anymore. Came by again today lol and I'm 2/9.
Oct 19th I came by again and wanted to see you but I've got to stop. Idk where you spent the night, but me wanting to see you so badly is foolish cause it makes my mind run while you are out living your life. I get two feelings, 1 wish I got to pass you and talk to you 2 im happy shes living her life without me. Maybe shes actually happy.
Oct 21st I just wanted to hold you and let you know how much I missed you.
Oct 22nd I really cant live life without you, You consume my mind at all times and I feel like an idiot wanting to be by you and talk to you so much. Like why cant i detach and be able to live separately? Ever since I met you I wanted you to be my everything and just felt so comfortable in your arms. And now that your arms aren't here I feel like im crumbling.
Oct 25th Feels like I'm going through withdrawals. Thats what the love between you and I did to me. This last weekend, last couple of weeks have been too much. And why? You're happy and that's all I should care about. You're back in the clubs, you're traveling with new people, why should I be so scared to lose you to your happiness. I feel terrible, sad, heartbroken, but ultimately I should feel happy. I always wanted you to be as happiest as can be. And you are now.