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Sept 26 I had to stop replying because it would have been a bunch of rambling from my emotions and needed to step back and consider your feelings and how to express mine without affecting yours. So here it is. 

1. Step back and breathe Austin. Hnin loves you and she loves you no matter what. Immediately individuals feel abandoned and alone when standing at the pedestal not wanting to lose their loved one. But you have to understand Austin, you've never been abandoned by Hnin. In retrospect, taking a step back from immediate situations neither of us have ever been abandoned by each other because we were always right next to each other eventually. So NEVER feel like that with Hnin. In the moment our feelings from when we grew up and other situations makes us feel abandoned which is why our emotions rise. You have always loved me and you still love me. So thank you for always staying with me deep in my heart even right now. And I will always to you. 

2. Do not invalidate Hnin. Do not invalidate her feelings. Do not invalidate her decisions. Do not invalidate her perspective. If you still need to heal, you still need to heal. You have to allow people to do things in their time if you wish to allow yourself to do things in your own time. Nothing can be rushed to be done well. Think like cooking (yum!). If she does not feel that she can heal with you in her life you have to listen to her. Whether you believe you can be a place of healing and whether she feels like that are two separate things. All of these things she says and feels has to be accepted and you cannot force her into an opposing decision by invalidating her. What you can do is state your own feelings, decisions, and perspectives. Do not force or project but speak truthfully and then you can both have your own truths. 

With that in mind I know we are both healing and I understand that we are not where we want to be in terms of improvements. All I want in a partner in the moment is someone who I can see grow, supports my growth, and can properly express a form of unconditional love when we are at our most raw. Time and time again I've seen how we have approached this break up compared to so many people. I talk to folks everyday and am so proud of how unique and different we are in exploring what is important to us, how we think/feel/perceive, and how we hold on and understand the innate versions of each other. The couples I see we exhibit the deepest part of what makes those relationships work (in mye head at least). Which is why I want to accept my own truth of who you are in my life. I'm happy you're not just another one of my friend girls. It's freaking hard to be this close to me, I've always been guilty and ashamed of that. But man it's a blessing to be this close to you. More than anyone in my life I did not want you as a mere friend. No matter how hard it has been there was no way it could just be that. 

3.  I went to our sunset spot today. I always hope I see your car. You know how people see angel numbers? I see your license plate. The sunset shined brightly with the moon out and the weather just perfect. Tayto ran around the park and never left my side and I just laid in the grass. I'm not going to sit and make you cry over the phone tonight and get emotionally frustrated. It does you no good when you hear and see all that and it does me no good. I guess this is the rambling post but I apologize for sending all those messages after seeing the texts post gym. I just want to breathe, write, and go through my emotions from afar.

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Sept 26 You know what? I think my mood will always be affected by you. Or a matter of fact it will be affected by my insecurities that I based on you. And I wish I could be better at rooting it in trust. I wish I was better at creating a narrative in my head that doesn't feel like everything is personal and just feels safe to go through emotions with you good and bad. I was sleeping since 9pm and now found myself wide awake thinking about you. 

For face value (simply me projecting so nothing on you) but I wish there was the eagerness to know how much trip was just like I had whe you went on yours. This concern to check in because I know how scary a solo trip could be (I thought you went solo at the time). I wish I knew you even went on that trip with someone as much as I asked about it, it seemed like itd be something to share (because if it were the other way around their would be an issue if I didnt share that) I wish you could be as patient and as eager to help me work through things when I have an off day. I guess I wish a lot. But once again as I write these things I took time to process it and its none of the above because none of that is you..

The flip side of this is knowing who you are. Knowing you love me. And understanding nothing is ill intent even if it feels like it. Sometimes we do things unknowingly sometimes its just misinterperated. You definitely want to hear about my trip whether you reach out or not. You definitely want to know if I was safe but probabably wanted me to process it alone like I wanted. You probably were still processing our phone call before the trip with our high emotions while I was on trip becaus eyou want to be there. You do want to help me and I may not always see it because people tend to only view action based on what they want. Theres a lot more to this.

Its hard trying to sit here and think of so many perspectives. And for someone like me I just want to talk. I just want to feel a response or presence. When words cannot, a hug can. I still have no idea what was going on the other day and if you feel to be in a better place to talk and be close with me. I just got a gig in Aspen? Vail? I forgot and was going to ask if you wanted to spend an evening and day with me there. Maybe even a work day. And yet I cant pull myself to pick up the phone and call. 

ugh my mind is just wandering but Im glad I just wrote. Im going to write more to explore why I constantly feel like this. like I said before this place feels as if I write into a void or talk at the top of a mountain and only hear my echo. I think my journal has started to feel like I have talked to myself and I get to reply to myself. 

but yeah Im okay :) a lot of those things were on my mind but Im here to reassure myself of you. its crazy how we can misinterpret someone based on misunderstandings and our insecurities but I just need to be vigilant in fighting that off. nothing comes from viewing someone you love coldly. something does from viewing them with warmth and love. thats what builds this little fire thatll burn throughout the course of loving someone. a tom misch song (who is literally one of my all time fav albums). I cant help but feel this feeling wont go away. i cant help but want to outrun all of our fears and grow past the pain. 

movie-tom misch. going to sleep tonight. literally one of my goated songs. 

Sept 25 Ive been helping a couple friends and family through things the last week. Theyve been struggling with external validation and having people control the emotional rollercoaster. They continuously fall into bad habits because they could not find that internal validation within themselves and keep falling into the same cycle. They cant seem to understand what they value and fail to see it isnt represented in their lives. 

Then I bring you up. I tell these folks the reason I love you is because you took the time. You took the time to reevauluate what you care for in life. You took the time to review who brings the values you care for and the things you cared for in life. Then you stepped back to focus on things that fed your soul and builty yourself and improved. Its funny to see peoples reaction when I talk about why you are so special and how without even interacting with people that you create this example and this affect on what others should do. Finally I follow with how I am trying to follow in those steps. And how I know falling back into the routine of our past lives is easy but why I want to strive for all of this so much similar to you because it made you and I feel so much better about life. Taking this solo trip, spending time alone to ask myself so many questions to understand myself. Aiming to take care of my exhaustion. Learning that I am not needed to take care of everyone and do everything. Leaving events early because it is not the environment or the people I want to be around. All of it has made me feel like such a different person. 

Ultimately it made me feel like we both grew to this. We understood what was important and strived for it and literally its all I can ever ask in anyone is to see both of us give up the "comfortable" give up the "popularized norm" from social media and ground ourselves in truth.

I feel so fucking proud of us. Like there's such a small percentage of the world who really realize these things. And an even smaller amount that understand and change their lives for it. We are that small percent. We are at the start of something so healthy and so happy for both of us <3

I honestly just want to sit on the phone and talk to you about the trip. I honestly just want to enjoy another day with you with no heavy ending. Im scared to call because I dont want to intrude a space that you may not have for me like our last call. So I come here. Thenight I texted you I ended up only getting 3 hours of sleep before my interview shoot because I was anxious. Nothing specifically but I got real anxious and couldnt sleep. I shouldve just wrote. I shouldve just done what I know best. okay start the day!

Sept 22 Ive been journaling a lot and its a different type of letter than Ive been writing here. Ive really been atttached to my new journal and it has helped me work through so much during the trip. Work through so much and made me feel like I have so much to say to you as usual but letting me manage it and really reflect on it. I felt the need to apologize and really let you know I appreciate you but before that share what I view my interactions were first. Next up in wiriting is as always what you mean to me. 

Its funny to because I also find a form of apologizing and thinking of how you affect others and then asking how they feel about that is a big sense of love for me. I guess my family always did it and it was the unfortunate way of feeling heard in my family when someone can come forward to take responisbility for us. So Im not sure how much it meant to you when it did but when people do that to me it means a lot. 

A couple things that youve said to me that made me feel so much love from you is when you reflected once on yourself and talked about how much you wanted to change within yourself for someone you love. Like the want for us to be the best possible partner for someone is such an incredible form of dropping our guard to trust we can grow to be th ebst we can be with someone.

   Then another things was when you talked baout how much you care for my brother, how mnuch you would ddrop the world to be by my side if I was in danger. That shows how much you care for those around me and what means a lot to me. It shows the care for human life no matter what which is incredible to see in the mother of my child. The 'i got you no matter what" attitude that makes someone feel like its a partner for life not just becasue of the good health and situation. Life or death.

   And then it was the hold on when we were at the cabin and the talk on the rooftop in terms of who takes care of you. The understanding of a deep rooted side of me that felt so understood and so seen outside of just thinking Im someone who is so strong and someone who can save the world and maybe needs to be saved.

THose are three moments that were so much louder than any i love you that can ever be said. Rambling has returned LOL but yeah I thought about this driving and didnt get to write about it after sequoia because I as running on fumes. Maybe a trip to my secret fall leaves spot?

Hello there :) I have A LOT to write about today. So fasten your seatbelt because this one may or may not be all over the place. To start off, here's a sneak peek of tayto. It's my lock screen and just makes me happy to see so maybe it can lighten you today and anyday you come back to take a look.

First stap is what I meant to call you about yesterday. Essentially a part of me is always concerend with improving. I know I am the furthest thing from perfect and am constantly trying to figure out how to be better and trying my best. A part of me feels like if I know I always try my best to be better then I can trust myself to never staying in the comfort of my wrongful mindsets and bad habits. Because as you know from so long ago, I never trusted myself. Regarding that is everything that happened with Aaron. He chose to run away from my car (intoxicated, incoherent, phone dead) saying that he can do everything himself. Saying that I never cared for him and never choose to listen to him. Saying that my actions, my words, and etc is the reason he cannot trust me. At this point I chose to call either victor or my mom and it happen to be victor. Someone aaron trusts and respects to try and reason with him and aaron was just against the world. So much to the point that victor got mad and told him to do whatever he wants it will ultimately be his actions. Although its his actions because he believes the world is against him (where he can blame it on everyone else) it is him that pushes everyone away. 

Sorry for the long story, but what I called for was just asking what I can do better. I was in similar situations like this with you and althought it isnt the same story it is the same reaction. I can't help but tie the denominator to me. Not soley me but I am not here to pick and tell what portion is me and what portion is someone else. So heres what I was curious about, when everything feels like the world is against you and I am the reason for everything. What can I do to help with that situation to defuse it? What causes the shut down to no longer discussing the situation? What about me causes so much of the heightened emotion?
Victor said to not ennable aaron and let him blame me for everything and I am not saying I am the sole cause of it, but I do want to understand more and try to improve my relationships best I can.

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Next up is our back and forth last night post phone call. I'm not sure what you are thinking, what you are feeling or why. And humanly I was anxious about what it was about and wanting to be able to solve and defuse the situation immediately. One to take care of you and two to have our space to talk. But here's the thing. My anxiousness to immediatel address the situation does not help. It may not be what you need becasue you need time, space, and sometimes dont need me at all. And whether or not it was something I could help with or something about me addressing it later or that second doesnt change the outcome as long as you always choose to help someone with the care and intent to help they way they need it. It is not up to use to decide how someone else needs help. Push my personal feelings aside to understand it is not how not talking to me makes me feel, but that you are not feeling well and asking what helps you to understand. And to ties this paragraphy up, I just intend to try my best to help. Sometimes I do well and sometimes I do not. I cant save the world but I sure can try. Ive been learning so much over the years and just hope people give me the grace to  try my best. Ive always just wanted someoen to be there for me and ask me what I need. Whether or not someone can provide what I need is another story but it starts with asking intently. Being honest and comfortable to discuss that is important to me. And whether or not someone can or cannot do that is just conversation and honestly. But I think thats. the best way to be there for people because it allows each other to ask how to be there for someone and letting people understand and articulate what they need. This way we can go through life knowing what we need and meeting people who can help with it rather that changing it based on what you think others need to hear. 

Im boarding but I have 2 more paragraphs LOL

LMAOjk I was boarding the wrong flight to san francisco. 

Next up is our phone call on friday. Similar to Aaron my emotions rise. And at that point it doesnt help defuse of clarify that situation where I want to understand myself better at why I react the way I do so I can manage it more so I can better understand you and help work through how you feel and what you are trying to communicate to me. I was glad I messaged you after to talk to you in another medium and a more controlled space.. It helped me slow downa and helped me refocus where I was coming from. I wasnt there to argue with you and solely justify where I was coming from. I was there to reaffirm my original intentionality and apologize. Its so difficult to do it in the moment and honestly get sacred about moments that I cant pull us back to our space when I am too far gone. I dont want to make that mistake because I lose my emotions because I see it with aaron and so many other things. Shoot this one is all over the place and may need to revisit. 

Next is processing my firing. Im relieved, I feel free, but I do feel like I didnt do well there. I feel as if I often allow myself to be mistreated because I dont set clear boundaries and understand what is okay and what is not okay. I always question myself and if I am trying my best, if I did something wrong, and etc. Once agian I didnt trust myself and continually allowed someone that took things personally to steer converstations in her path rather than hearing me and other folks. Yes my emotions can use better control and execution may seem wrong but there was never any self reflection on her end and thats where I need to draw the line. I need to draw the ling when someone doesnt meet halfway to see what they can always do better. Someone who is blind to know that they have dug themselves into thewhole because of their past traumas. Theres so much more to addressing conflict and our boss did not have it. Our entire office saw it and that is why this personhas a repeating habit with multiple people that causes people to escalte situations. Characters speak for itself and people's ture selves will always show.

 

Sept 6 Wow the moment with my brother last night meant a lot. We both sat in the garage crying and he asked for a hug. He finally told me what he needed and called both my mom and me. He reeked of alcohol but I was grateful to have that moment. Because it meant all the hard work. the arguments, the tolerance, the scars, all of it was worth it because we are getting to a place of care and understanding. I was able to give him advice that helped propel him the next day and was something good for me to hear as well. While we were hugging he just told me how much he wanted it to work out with ali as I held him and said I know because thats all I want with Hnin. Me on the otherhand felt like Im getting past the point on blaming everything on you and trying. You know I am so different than the person you met so long ago. If you've seem me change yourself, you cant imagine how much ive changed within my family. We also came to the acceptance that our family tries so desperately to make others hear our voices and be understood. My dad,brother, and I. And aaron and I tried to pinpoint why. I can't say specifically but its something I know my anxious anxiety is rooted in and I comforted him that we are going to figure it out together because we have such similar lives so we can try to see what similarities may have caused this. Ugh so much change. And Im so thankful taht you care as much about my family as I do. 

Letter to you Originally when we talked about making this private and move it to a different website I was going to leave a letter on this website. And I still wanted to leave this here for you:

 

Hi Hnin, I know there may be days where you will not feel me around. I know that writing somewhere you cannot see may feel like I'm out of sight and out of mind. But I'll be writing. As much as I can, whenever you come to mind and whenever I want to share something with you. At first, I was scared that this distance would have me lose you but thinking back to the slow down of our communication and access to each others social media didn't deter me from loving you. It made me solidify that you still think about me without having to check my story for your view, or see who you may or may not be interested in from your followers, or just to see if you were happy without me. So I have no worries that our feelings will not fade for each other. Just like you said in the car no matter how much time has passed when we see each other everything comes rushing back like it was never gone.

 

So let me leave you with this, I love you. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of us. There is nothing that I regret between us and that's why I want to stick around forever. Not just want, HAVE to. You have been the most important person in my life these last 2-3 years and there will never be someone like you in my eyes. Someone that doesn't complain when life gives her curveballs, someone who is so confident in chasing the things she loves, and someone who is searching for the purest form of love. Nothing will ever replace your weird noises, your stutter over random phrases and words, and your touch. You can do anything and have done so much more in this life than everyone around us. So just like I said before, you can do ANYTHING. Don't doubt yourself and just remember you are the best student because you always want to learn. Your intelligence isn't based on what you know, but what you're willing to learn. And you Hnin, you have always yearned to learn more about American culture, about yourself, about others, about youre career, any hobby you have, everything. So if you happend not to reach out to me during a hard time, don't sell yourself short EVER. Keep an open mind and I'll always be here to keep pushing you as much as I can in your life.

 

Ended up ranting from the heart of course. but also if you ever want to see the letters to you just give me a shout and I'll send you a new link or something :) love you always

 

-austin


 

Sept 3 Today was good right? Today was good. Laying and napping in the grass. Yeah that's a sunday I can take with you. I guess we are 2 for 2 on park days that were really really good. 

I want to not worry about the trivial things. I want to not care about the small nuances where I can't remember the argument in 5 years. I didnt do a good job today at cheeseman park. I didnt effectively communicate and I had to step back before I could ask what you wanted. What you needed to be understood. Im not happy about it, but ultimately I do wish I handled it better and also took preventative action to no thave it happy in the first place.  Yes I understand that I play a role in everything too. And no I do not want to hold that against you because I love you. Sitting in the car I realized that it hurt you a ton too and now thinking about it, thats what you were trying to say that night at laurens. Being in that situation is no easier than being on the other side of it. Hopefully we understand it took a lot from both sides to push for something to happen between us. It felt euphoric to know the we loved each other with no bounds.

And now it brings me to this. I don't want to let go because I can't and I choose not to. If not with you I just want to be alone. My heart hurts so damn much not having you come home with me and being on this rollercoaster we have. The act of being should outweigh the act of our conditional love for each other. I still keep your letter in my phone, I will still write, and I will still love you unlike anyone in my life. I had faith that our touch with each other can't be found within someone else. But maybe youll find a touch unlike ours. 

I'm going to write here everyday but from my understanding you cannot heal. You cannot move on. You cannot be whole when a piece of you is always with me. So therefore I will be changing the website link. I'll write everyday and you can always have acccess if you ever want to just ask. But just like you said everytime we touch, no matter how long its been we still fall back into each others arms. I hope my feeling is right and that we come. to terms that we were meant for each other and understand how to care for each other. I don't want to let go I came home and cired again thinking about it lol

fuck fuck fuck.

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Aug 30 Im better at saying no, I'm better with my fomo, and Im just plain grateful. Just got done reworking my routine to organize thigns and feel alot better. Ive been kicking through life lately but havent been diciplined and Im quickly learning how important it is. So Im prepping myself to. do the work now. Oh and you know what? My first solo trip is BOOKED. Im fucking scared. i had to cancel my friend danny and emilie's wedding. Im sacrificing a lot of family and friend events before my trip. But Im doing that damn thing. I would honestly like someone to go on this trip with me but Im going no matter what. I kind of want to cancel right now though hahahahahaa but Ive never done this so lets see how strong I am by myself for once. 

Also, also my team went 5-1 today. We lost one game and I know it seems small BUT WE NEEDED THAT. some teams are happy to win half the games but we needed them all. Heres the breakdown. Playoffs are for the top 8 teams. Our team is in 9th place. 7th and 8th place bith have one more win that us. And its just a 1 game differential. We will find out this week but if we make playoffs this is BIG. A new team with some learners and people dont know each other well that became a team taht wants to win and practiced by ourselves to improve hen we play together. IF WE MAKE IT TO PLAYOFFS WE ARE A BRAND NEW TEAM. Literally watched one of my favorite animes eysterday and the feeling it gave me when they won is what I want to do. So big crossed fingers.

Just signed a new client too. mmmm I had one more thing. ugh it was about you? us? me? ugh I forgot. I got excited. maybe Ill rememebr in the morning I am sooooo tired. GOod night!

Just a memory-odesza you know how much I love odesza. probably one of my all time favorite artists. this song makes me think of those nights when things were hard but we just want each other no matter how hard it is. Got to sit down with macc today and talk life and once again revisit my love for you. I told her I dont get to see you often but I am so happy when I do now. We care so much and are so healthy. It feels so good to be able to see you in the constant light Ive always thoguht of you in. I love sitting there and admiring you. I love everything youve brought inotmy life and I love sharing that with you. 

Today was a lot lOL I got written up after I got off the phone with you. one more and I get fired. but its life. work isnt life all the change is. I was also talking about the change and fear of loss of poeple today. my familys life if they get hurt. my friends. my job. I feel like ive lost a lot. and it is so freaking scary. I told macc that I just never want to lsoe you and teared up. 

yeah lol

fuck work though :)

Aug 28 It rained so hard yesterday! the crisp air honestly was nice this morning. 

this mornings gratitude journal helped and just appreciating life for what it is and not how I expect it to always be. I think I get in my head wanting a specific way often when in hindsight its honestly really great. I excited to take this week on. I dont feel defeated and I feel empowered. have a good week Ill write tonight :)

Aug 27 Just woke up from a 4 hour nap LOL had so many shoots back to back this weekend. 12 hours yesterday for the wedding and running around all day planning photos. I woke up yesterday and got a glimpse of your message before I fully woke up and went back to sleep and it put me into a really good sleep because you were right. Its not good and the encouragement to leave is pretty awesome. I really fell cared for when the thought of my mental care is taken into consideration. Because I know things work out fine but I get so scared because I dont trust myself. Also I had the best massage ever. Finally rebooked from the july massage but it was amazing. Im so happy I did that for myself this year. IIm going to take time to clean tonight and organize. Then I will wake up early for my gratitude journal and prep for my meeting with my staff. Time to turn on some music and get it together. 

consistent another thing too lately is feeling overwhelmed and behind. my mind had been jammed pack and i havent been diciplined. tbh the only thing I do consistently is think and write to you. whether on here right away or on my phone when I get the chance to in a busy day this is it. I was always really inspired by hearing you havent had any alcohol in two months. seeing you gym. seein gyou be outdoors. youve been diciplined on your life and lead a happy life. I want to wake up to write everyday, drink coffee, and go into work and get all my admin done. I want to be in the gym and at least get a run in. I finally know where I am at with my limitations to my injuries and think I can hvae a regimie I can handle. Let me be consisistent. itll help me. yes. thanks for inspiring me even though you may have not noticed it. and tbh betweeen my doctors friends and family Im not as overweight as I think. its just reps and its just filling out. Im comfortable with myself and going to strive to improve it. 

Aug 25 Today was rough. I got into it with my boss again and she is so unprofessional. And she really got underneath my skin today and then she made a comment on how childish I was and how I began to raise my voice/didn't help the argument by making small comments when I truly meant to ask questions. THEN she also commented on how I felt a certain way and didnt talk about it because i "shut down" when I didnt think it was an issue because I didnt think it was worth arguing about. Anyways my coworkers were all concerned for me after and didnt like how she handled it and the way she said things. Then I called my mom and I was pretty tough on myself because in my head it made me feel like as much as I try to avoid arguments with things that dont matter it always gets bigger. It made me think of us and that Im not progressing at all. It made me think of how I try to manage what is worth putting energy to and what is worth brushing over. My boss is so manipualtive, condescinding, and blind. 3 people have left/"gotten fired" because of her. UGHHHH

Anyways I went home and took a nap with tayto when I messaged you. And one thing on my mind was how I hoped you got a dog to comfort you. Seeing her in your picutres made me wish you felt comfortable enough for me to drop tayto off when you need her. She was a blessing today and just made me happy that we both love her and get to have experiences with her. so happy about your rover opportunity soon. makes me happy and got me through the day into my nap.

Aug 23 today was freaking long and rough. I wanted to walk out from work again midshoot but my team is completely new and kept checking in. Im trying my best to manage the feeling of frustration and not taking it personal. I actuallfe felt nauseous from the heat. but its okay. but forget work. I got to get an hour of volleyball in and help our team secure the last 3 games which made us win 6 this week! ugh we have one more week but if we can have a good week then we make it to playoffs!!!! that means we are the top 20%! I hope we can do it I have a good feelings.

and tonight when I saw your rover email it made me sooo happy. because I remember you telling kevin how much you want a dog and I thought this was the perfect things for you. Ill do the testimonial tomorrow but I know you can do so well. I know with good directions people will be so lucky to have you taking care of these dogs. BUT DONT YOU LOVE ANY DOG MORE THAN TAYTO. I hope you get convinced to get a dog <3

aug 22  we will start small then get bigger. But I've always loved out judgement in character when we share the same feelings towards people. specifically our little family within kevin. such as our interactions with their parents and our closeness to kevin and alyssa. That talk with kevin was such an emotional, fulfilling, real talk. like the appreciation we have for each other, me talking about how he came into my life at the time I lost my friends, and just how it feels like you and I have known him forever because of the memories we have together. like thats eactly what I am looking for in life. and to the bigger stuff those songs were a perfect curation for how it felt tonight. "everytime we touch I get this feeling" literraly just you kicking me or when we sang and we put our legs on each other or when I touched your hand while we sang. honestly the feeling with you there surrounded with friends is exactly how I imagine that song. I often make music videos or moments in my head to music. kind of like planning my dream video to things when I hear it and its that feeling there in a festival. ive only had two moments like that before in music. and finally "baby your all that I want, when youre lying here in my arms","your touch makes me weak" seriously. when you said you feel so weak when I hold you, same. I melt. everything feels okay. everything I ever worries about is gone. all I need is to be held by you. alll I need is to be next to you when I sleep. sad, happy, angry thats what I always ask. you make me feel better beecuase of how I feel about you. 

aug 21 I woke up and saw a family of birds this morning when I left and came home. baby birds flying for the first time with mama bird flying around em. it made me happy. felt like a good day. got a job offer for next year and I played basketball. Im super out of shape but my ankle is okay and I played well. 7 our of our 15 points!

 

anyways, I was really anxious this weekend. I havent felt diciplined, motivated, nothing. I just feel like Im losing control of things again. I just feel like life wont stop. I just wanted a hug. thats all I need is presssence. I took some time away to really get it togethr. I just dont know. Im just trying my best 🙂

:)

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Aug 9th  Follow up text from my mom. I feel like I have a really tough relationship regarding lots of heavy stuff with people in mylife

but its okay. I do appreciate it a lot. Its hard at times but I do really appreciate it. Because it feels real and meaninggul/.

I guess todays topic is what Ive really been looking for in life. A friend. A best friend. Friends that are patient with me, understadning, loving, unconditional, caring about things that matter in life. I feel like I give so much and just want a friend that just wants to give to me as much. Like thats what Ive always wanted in a relationship is a best friend. I always wanted that person to be my cloest friend that clicks with the above. I was just a bit emotional thinking about it yesterday night while editing. I was talking to my mom one day saying how if aaron and carter found a healthy love how much it would mean and help them. But same for me. I just wnat to be with the love of my life and have that person be my best friend. You know early on in our relationship I thought we were doing that.THats why I loved our tik toks so much. Lowkey those made me so so happy. Dancing, playing drums on my butt, all of it. Its a weird thing and maybe its my inner child but yeah. 

Its important to me how secure and how much one wants to love and take care of another person. Seriously when you said you would come to my side if an accident ever befell me my heart melted. Cause I thought the same for you. I dont know why we feel this way about each other despite how much we have gone thoerugh. Its crazy. 

Another note is mentors Ive been talking to/other creatives. Had. client dinner yesterday and left with a really different perspectibe on how to uphold myself in the sense of the things I care for and pushing for ambitious things. and then talked on the phone with another client/friend talking about how we admire and are excited for where we've come and where we willl go. 

Ive always had so many ideas and things in my head but have never been able to excute. and maybe project on you for finishing things and starting things because tis something Im not good at. I guess these are some of the things Ive thought about while trying to figure myself out. Lots of mumbo jumbo on a rainy night. But going to get some thigns done and not sweat the small things. 

OH! I had my 1 year anniversary at work. Longest job Ive ever kept :) not my favorite at the moment, but big accomplishment staying somewhere longer than I ever haved and also doing something in a creative field that I didnt go to colllege for and built fon my own from teaching myself on youtube. I guess I did do something <3

Aug 18 Didnt realize it but today is my parents anniverssary! But before I get into that I wanted to talk about how yesterday was a bit heavy. My mom called to talk about aaron and she said some pretty harsh stuff. I havent told anyone but she said that if he is going to kill himself he better do it right. It I immediately said thats not a good thing to say. I also said she didnt mean it that way but she was hot headed yesterday. I just keep finding myself in situations where things get so heavy for people and say really bad things. She messaged me later to apologize and I understand from an emotional stand point how it is but I am tired of people saying things in the heat of the moment without considering the complications. I would like to go into the details more in person but it is so so so so so important to understand what you say and the gracvity of how it affects the world. Like the president that cant say things and ourselves. Sorry for the heavy post on friday but communcation is so freakin important in businesses, love, everything. 

But yeah. I think my parents have been married for 30+years. On their 30th I treated them to a glenwood springs trip and maybe we can all go eat dinner this weekend. Their story is crazy and they are going to their hometowns around my birthday for closure. I think its something important to me that I want to be apart of!

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Aug 16 At first I was like "it didnt work" :( BUT IT WORKS lol so cool and will now be my new thing hahahah. sidenote WE WON ALL SIG GAMES. I literally walked to our picinic blanket site hype as hell. And then on my way home got super excited again and yelled. Our team was so hype becasue we won two games in overtimes over a tough team emotionaly and skill wise and we all stepped up so so much against a good team. Ugh so cool. I got super good hits and my body was okay besides my finger! just some excitement. 

another note: its been tough being in control of my emotions. did my midyear review with my boss and was trying to articulate points while managing my emotions of frustartion that she didnt hear me. but I articulated well and I cant kill myself over something thats not that big of a deal. Pick peace and know when its worth it and when its heard. As for the other thing aaron got in a fight drunk. I tried to ask more to figure things out and he was mean to me. It sucks becasue if I blow up on him he loses it mentally and gets suicidal BUT once again maybe choose your battles. If I stayed it doesnt improve anything and he is probably going through a range of emotions right now. You are more calm and control and just do not escalte.

wow held those in all day but writing made it much clearer and proud I didnt give into my anxious attatchment and deal with those inappropiately. I had other things i was going to write today but Ill save for tomorrow. 

Aug 15 Soooo I havent lost weight but I have been working out so maybe its just all turning into muscle. Starting PT soon but didnt buy a snowboard pass because Idk how well my body is feeling. Might have to take 2 weeks off from volleyball because of the injuriries but its okay because I have two new edits I need done by next saturday. Sooooo just keep staying in, working out, and getting the edit done. I have also been spending a bit of personal time with family. One of my cousins tried to kill themselves and its been a little heavy. But he just said he wants to be around me so thats something Im throwing onto it. I was talking with him about how important it is to do things in life that mattered and talked about how both you and I have shifted toward that and how much more it means to us. I also talk to him a lot about us too. We went to get ice cream and idk its just nice to talk to him and be a space for him while he is a space for me. Yeah. But yeah I talked about you a bit after we got vulnerable. Or I guess I always do. idk. 

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Wrong to write I often get scared if it's wrong to write here. Like is it too much to be writing to you everyday. Does it confuse my intention with things and how I care. Is any of this the truth? Does he write because he thinks youre here? But one of my friends told me that it is not up to me to make that decision for you. I make decisions for myself and the best I can do is be honest and intentional with what I do. As for what you want to do it is up to you. If you want to read this, if you want to never open it, if you want to love me, if you want to hate me, anything you want is up to you. When I do things I have to make sure that I do not steal your power to choose for yourself. Often with anxious attachment I limit myself to things thinking its the best for people. Screw that let people decide what is the best for themselves. You on the other hand decide whats best for you and do/communicate that. Then other people can appropriately communicate whats best for themselves. Ive often stolen that from others and thats what I was scared of in terms of pulling things to how I wanted it. Im sorry. Im learning so much in terms of what I have done and not realizing it by masking it in the idea of my special love. No thats not special austin its your anxious attachment affecting others. 

Anyways what I am trying to say is I want to continue writing here. What I think and feel in the moment and I dont want to take it down. And in turn you can decide if you want to read it, ignore it, go back to a post and use it to help remind yourself. Yeah. In the past me taking the personal instagram down from you was me deciding something in your best interest and it didnt help. It made you feel like you no logner had a connection to me and clearly I didnt want that because here I am writing to you everyay.

So I want to be better with that. I guess not embarrassed for my decision. Not scared of my decision. I want to know everything I do I need to do it fearlessly as I write here. I guess thats why Im not afraid to admit to so many poeple that im not over you. I just dont want to lie. I often see macc talk about how she doesnt care about adin and break down and I think so many people force her to talk about how crap a guy is and she puts on a mask to say she isnt hurt. But me Im sad. I miss you. I still love you. I always want to keep that straight with the people around me. Ooooo and sidenote for the longest time i was so scared that you would tink differently based on assumptions or etc. I guess thats why I limited my life and actions because I was scared of that. But heres the thing. I know how I feel. I am vocal about how I feel. And if its ever taken any other way I just dont want to sit there and HAVE to justify how I feel. Ive always loved you and still do. So theres that. Strip it down from the situations, and thoughts, and actions based on assumptions. Ive never felt like this about anyone. Ive never lingered so long for anyone in hopes of it working out. Nothing. It's just freeing knowing your feelings and not being scared of em. Just happy for you and happy for me :)

Aug 14 Hnin. I would have given everything up for you. For the first time in life I considered taking space from my friends, my business, everything in my life. And even now I consider it every moment for our happiness. But. I dont think thats healthy. The more I sit and love, be grateful for you, and think about you the more I hurt. The more it hurts to love someone so far away from my from an emotional standpoint. Im honestly quite depressed living without you. Last night and this morning I just listened to music and felt so heavy for some reason. Maybe its because I bumped into ryan at dim sum yesterday. How. Out of all the people in denver do I keep bumping into him and I dont even get a glimpse of you? 

You know I envy all the people in the world that get to spend time with you without and heavy feelings. I envy the people that get to see you consistently and that you get excited to see to go up and talk to and hug. I envy kevin and alyssa having you just wanting to sit and talk with them. I envy monica for being someone you love to be around in terms of your bond and her family. But at the same time Im so grateful to be who I am. I am grateful I got to lay in bed with you and stare you in the eyes. To tell someone I love them in our most intimate moments. To see your most vulnerable side when we talk about our families and past. Yeah. I guess theres a reason its hard to be around each other. Because its something that means so much to us. 

Anyways I hope you saw the meteor shower this weekend. I hope you made lots of wishes. I hope you feel loved, rejuvenated, and at peace. 

You think one day we can talk about all we learned? We can talk about what has changed? We can talk about the peace we've achieved while tackling our attachment styles and etc? Or maybe Im a dreamer like always. Maybe I havent even scratched the surface. They say that the only cure to extreme anxious attachment style is being around a secure attachment style. And if not each other then other individuals. And then if one of us make it before the other and is willing enough to help one more person then maybe then. Some important stuff to start a monday <3

Aug 12 You know Ive been so happy not going out. I think the only reason I cared to do some of it before was wanting to be near you so much or bumping into you. And as much as I hate not having any glimpse into your life it does bring me peace that Im not frantically trying to figure out what you are up to and whats going on and worrying about everything else. I guess the running away with you was essentially to erase all of our worries and concerns but thats not plausible is it? Like we cant just leave everything behind, but it would have brought us so much peace. I always wished we just moved for alittle like alyssa and kevin. Anyways next time I see you I want to hear the full how is life. Whats been going on? Whats been on your mind? Wahts been hard? Whats something that makes you happy?

If theres any silver lining, its that I never have to make small talk with you. I always have something full to ask <3

Aug 11  You really read this everyday huh? lol Im sorry I havent been big on the empowering side. I still love you lots and still think the world of me, but I think a big portion of what I wanted to share lately is my reflecting. I think when I have these revelations on my drives or through learning from others by observing and hearing, and etc I want to talk and apply it. Especially when my anxious attachment style flares up I want to come here and see what I talk about and how I can apply it like the other day. Its like writing a future letter to myself too when I cant recognize myself with all that emotion. So I guess I write to both of us daily because reading my post about you that you sent me yesterday warmed my heart too. It made me appreciate my love for you. It reminds me the raw feeling of what I have for you. This place is special. I dont think I know a single other person that does anything like this and its lowkey an answer I have to myself when I dont know where my mind goes. This is like foundation. Each post as a block. Its pretty crazy when you think of it. 

And by NO means have I been a way better human by writing here. I still have so much insecurities, running mind, and etc. Like I dont want it to seem that all these realizations and self control makes me seem like Ive become the perfect person like it seemed in january. Ive been practicing and Ive been learning but I still struggle even as of recently. But its steps. 

Theres this thing from the khmer rennasaince that Im going to add to my gym but it says keep walking koun khmer. Keep walking child of cambodia. Because our parents walked accross the border to seek refuge. They walked when they had no cars here. And now we continue to walk as well. My tattoo, dont give up, dont lose hope means keep going. Its just saying keep taking those steps. Dont give up because if its not where you want it, its not the end. So yeah. Thats going to be the motto of my gym. 

Aug 10 Im so tired I just took a nao for 3 hours and I also got injusred at volleyball yesterday and my leg is bleeding rip 🫠

Anyways I had a conversation yesterday about attachment styles. I forgot what ypurs was but it would be really cool to see you take it again.

It's crazy how initially i seem okay but with time my anxious attatchment shows so much. In terms of me making decisions for others based on my life of over thinking and insecurities. It's crazy to see my assumptions and process of thinking. It's crazy to see how it affects all my relationships, how i view the world, and how i simply live.

And after all this time i still ask is this really something you would still love me when though i have it?

I want to get rid of it so bad i feel so disgusted with myself and it says the only thing that's helps it is someone secure because they can help manage it and have enough sureness in themselves to help provide for someone like me im the long run.

Bht overall I guess what Im realizing is I always made decisions for you. For us. I never just stated what I wanted not considering another person at all and heard where you come from mot considering amything else. It was always reactive and based on actions and etc. Idk In so tired right now and sore.

Aug 8 You know. I didnt know what I needed early in our relationship. How could I ever expect you to help me if I cant even communicate what I needed. Like understanding what calms me, understanding my bad habits, understanding who I was, was so important. And now reflecting on myself I have so much more, no, wee have so much more to communicate in terms of what we value and what works for us. Its not simply what we want from a self fish manner but what actually works together as a partner. WE GREW UP SO MUCH. Looking at you yesterday and hearing you also really talk about a dog is a big step from us wanting to be involved in everything in the past.

Also another thing I think about is your inner child. I think about a younger you a lot. Like a lot. I see so many kids and think of you and sometimes see you in my dad. Because his inner child leaks out. Especially both of your interactions with tayto. Yeah idk. It makes me smile when no one else knows.

Aug 7 Wanna know whats been on my mind lately? What been on my mind is how you laughed at one of my jokes on friday and punched me like when you used to tease me in the past. That you got to hear me doing karaoke specifically breaking free and love on top. Hearing you sing bruno mars. Us getting seperate cokes. Everytime we make eye contact. Everytime you look at your phone at dinner. Realizing I've been blocked, You trying to comfort tayto in the dog park and jumping when the dog comes to you. Watching tayto run into your arms. Seeing how not agile you are when running with tayto lol. Yeah. That's been on my mind. 

I called Ona about you today. It's crazy how much secureness I've found in him through talking about my love for you. Im not sure if you ever got to meet him. I can't stop thinking how grateful I am for our interaction. How grateful I am to know above all else we will always love and care for each other. After all this time. Yet at the same time this feels like the furthest I've ever been. 

You know, when we were younger we both tried our hardest to explain what matter to each other. But when we did it, it was like we put each other into trouble. We didn't create a secure place for either of us to change our habits. We often took it so personal and took out our uneasiness on each other rather than try to validate each other. Both of us. It's so crazy to look back on now because it feels like we were teenagers. And it seeped. Water that never disappeared and seeped into our wood making it brittle. 

 

And now we finally realize it. On both our ends we realize so much about ourselves and are working on it. Younger us would be proud. Younger us would turn to us for inspiration and for guidance.  And the thing is... We still dont even have it down LOL. But we do have what we learned. I still take things personally from time to time, I still am working on how to better validate what you feel rather than justify and explain everything, I still feel guilt and always scared to be in trouble for a miscommunication/misunderstanding, I still do not know how to manage and articulate my emotions, I still don not know how to properly express love in you language while realizing you may not always express it in mine. There's so much and it feels like a scary wall when Im by myself. I felt so alone last week. Yet theres so many beautiful moments while I go through this. And today with our friends, tayto, the sunset. It just happens one day. And Im happy I asked, and Im happy you were free to come, and Im happy I heard so much laughter and smiles. I always wanted invites to be around our friends to not feel left out so the best thing I can do is invite to things that I think that we would enjoy together. Like owning a dog. When you said I want a dog. But the only dog I want is tayto LOL I felt that. as shes snoring next to me. I'd love to coparent with you. We get the love and time of tayto while we can still tackle the responsibilities of life. Crazy I know but yeah.

I think I and more on my mind and I articulated a lot of this differently than I would have this morning and over the weekend. Yes. I did. 

I have so much to say. But I just need to stfu. Cause none of it's processed. Ill probably have an essay after a nap today. My head is ringing and my eyes are burning.

10:52PM friday august 4

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Aug 4 Wow it's not exactly everyday but this has been a lot going back. You know, I don't even read your letter anymore after reading it so many times. I just hold my phone and feel it. Think about how many times a person picks up their phone daily. Not think about how I can physically feel your letter everyday. It's crazy to think something so simple is so heavy. Like a ring or a necklace. I love that stuff.

Anyways, this week flew by and more things over it's Justin's birthday so maybe another chance to see you. I can't expect your energy to match mine and I have that in my head going into this. But I'll do the same things and mange myself despite everything in my mind. Just like I just want to see you happy and smiling Im sure you want the same for me. Like I said earlier you seem brighter around everyone else so maybe I'll just sit far away and watch. It's what I've always done.

GET THIS. Laurens gradution last week reminded me of her graduation at Mizu. I just sat on the opposite side watching you run over to david and laughing lots and being more lively than sitting with me and then the same thing when you moved to alyssa's and kevins side. So much has changed yet some roots have stayed the same. And back then I was happy to see you laughing as badly as I wanted you next to me as I am now. Its crazy back then you said if I wanted you next to me why didnt I come drag you away and I thought why would I drag you away form having a good time. I will get my time with you when you'd like to come by me but Im happy watching you. Jealous because I want so much of you but happy. And then I thought thats who we are. People that are around so much and always peek at each other accross. Like at bens house when we make eye contact and smile while I talked to lauren and you sang camp rock with austin huff on the couch.

Im scared youre now it consists of just me looking over. It feels like that so often. Like hibachi for thanksgiving and ucchi. But I guess it wasnt just about you looking back to me. Its always been me watching from afar. I just want you happy. I just want you smiling. I just want you free. I guess thats what we want so much for each other, Time and time again we have a love so pure that pushes for the best possible thing for each other. Its like how badly you want everything to work out for your kids and love em so much. Its like something so pure in these moments. Yeah. Hope you are feeling well for tonight. 

Don't take it personal Man. I can't tell. you how much I've been working on this & feel like I've been practicing it really well as of late. Not that things don't bother me, but I don't let it control me as much. Like going through feelings time and time again really builds up our tolerance to things and really proud to say that it's something I've practiced. Not mastered, but practiced. Especially for someone who has so much swirling in their mind, it's a pretty big accomplishment that I'm sure others don't bat an eye with because it's easy for them. It's a very relevant thing to one another realizing what means a lot and what doesn't. And I wish we could really get across what meant a lot to each other before. I wish we could have made it about each other and wanting to really set each other up in terms of consideration for each others feelings and values. I wish we just went to the baseline of I love you, I want this to work, to move past us justifying things and saying I'd do this for you. And now, with so many circumstances and times there's always something that is the reason for something else.

It breaks my heart so freaking much. It's honestly so hard to breathe writing and thinking about you. It's funny how deep of a breathe I take while writing and thinking. I dont always realized the tightness in my chest and am starting to release it. Just deep breaths. Release the tension in your forhead. Let go of things in you chest. I'm starting to feel like we aren't getting that camping trip. I'm starting to feel like I'm not going to get to see the free version of you. I'm starting to think you'll never feel free when I'm around. I wish I could watch you from an invisible barrier. Like watching you through pictures and videos make me so happy because you seem so light, free, and happy. Fuck I didnt think I would feel or think all this right now and be crying but I'm starting to feel like I should only be asking about you and watching you away. It's a tough feeling to realize that maybe you're the source of someones pain. Dammit Im crying alone at work again haha And to accept realize all this and want you to have all that makes me want to run away forever. Like if it meant that my pressence causes this anxiety, doubt, pain I'd want to erase myself so much. Just like the girl from the movie where she wants to do whatever makes the boy happy. And when she thought it was the sun she said okay. 

WOOOOOOO. What a tsunami of emotions right now. I think I needed to cry. 

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Woww I just bawled my eyes out and opened them to look down and see this. Cant see it that well here but it was a super defined rainbow lol. What a random place to see it. 

Aug 3 Just talked to my mom about my best friends yesterday. It made her sad cause she really loves niles and gio like her own son and started asking me if its anything my parents may have done to make them uncomfortable which was sweet lol but its really nothing. My family misses them and they know how long theyve been in my life. I guess it's time to lay to rest my oldest friends. I asked them both separately if they wanted to grab a bite yesterday and no reply. I guess I can't keep reaching out. I guess I can't keep sitting idle catering to folks who dont want to put the same energy into their friendships like I do. But my mom and I also talked about when we bump into each other and I honestly would hope that it picks up like old times. Until then, we do life. 

I'm sure my mom could hear the emotion in my voice yesterday but about an hour later (after I watched a basketball documentary) I had volleyball. WE WON 5/6 games. We should've won all but our rankings went up and we have a winning record now. Ugh so excited. We were all dripping sweat but we were all so hype. I also got invited to the competitive indoor league with my team! They kept mentioning I was the most improved and also the best person to teach. Someone who learns, always wanting to be better, and always wanting to hear what he can do so he can try his hardest the next go around. Our captain said that I was the best person to teach to our other captain. Ugh Im so happy it paid off and I can keep playing. Its just like my volleyball anime that makes me super happy. Its this kid that just wants to keep playing :) super special anime to me. Annways I'm so happy to have a place where I cant think about the rest of life. Im just there trying my best and enjoying it. Yesterday was tough for me. Just want to talk. Im so bad at reaching out. And I just keep feeling further and further. I keep wanting to try my best and I feel like healthy things make me feel so distant from everyone. 

But it was nice to know everyone else on my team take wednesday as the same thing. A place of relaxation, competition, outdoors, peace. I mean sometimes our captains yell but we love it because we want to be winners haha.

Temporary Wow today was a lot harder than I thought. It's my best friend's Niles' birthday. I haven't seen or talked to him in two years despite me reaching out so often. At first you think its because we are busy with life, we're adults. You get it. But not a reply back, read messages, and seeing them around other folks and not even managing a hi back is tough. Then I check in on my messages with gio and it's the same thing. I get we move on with our lives but we have always been each other's closest friends. Like it doesn't matter how tough life is, a hi isn't possible?

I'm actually tearing up writing about this and didn't realize how much it bothered me. And it freaks me out because all I can think about is what if that happens to us. Someone that knew me so intimately and care to not manage a warm interaction. I was bummed because I was so excited to be around you during ucchi and although you were sick it just seems like I'm on that path with you too. It fucking hurts to feel so lonely all the time. It hurts to lose the most important people in your life. It hurts that no matter how hard I try to keep people in my life forever that there is always something else. And trust me when I say I try my hardest to keep communication, care, everything. Im honestly just so drained caring and holding on for so long in my life. Im tried of trying to be glue among so much. Ugh. 

Sorry I just had to vent somewhere. On the bright side it hurts so much because it means so much to me. I had people in my life that meant a lot to me. Our senior quote (funny cause its 10 years) was "how lucky am I to have something saying goodbye too is so hard"?

Hits me to this day. The sadder you are about something, the greater it probably is. You can't know sadness without great happiness. And vice versa. There is no darkness without the sun. Life juxtaposes itself. But great things come from when it isn't present. Wooooo.

Writing this made me feel better. Going to lift myself up today and carry myself. Wow my heart hurts right now hahaha but weirdly Im okay. I always wanted to be hard headed and prove everyone wrong. When I was younger I wanted to prove vulnerability even post taken advantage of was the most important thing in the world. I wanted to prove I can hold the people I hold closest forever. I wanted to prove that being strong enough to be different from everyone else was worth it. I still feel that way, but I guess Im just more seasoned with life. What a young naive me. I really dont want to lose him, but I'm not sure he has anymore strength to prove it. I pray that I have a place/people to let him be naive and full of hope. 

Aug 2 I dont think I can ever stop being concerned about you. Checking in. I keep thinking how much I wanted to make sure you were okay the other day at uchi and everyone around me is right. I can't stop catering to you. Someone I care about I will never not choose to take care of. Especially when I know how important it is to both of us to have someone provide a consistent presence in each others lives. I want that in it's purest form because you know how hard headed I am and that i want to prove you wrong that there is love and consistency in someone who cares for you. I feel like you have this little girl inside that doesnt believe any warmth sticks around long enough. And that when it was felt with me that it would disappear based on your experiences in life. And time and time again I want to prove that wrong. Maybe its because that's all I ever wanted in life too. Yeah. Anyways I wanted to give you a call last night to check on your sickness but it was 11 something right before bed and figured you need rest more than anything right now. 

it's wednesday! I hope. it rains after my game today.

August 1 Wow. Read a lot of the post going back to reflect on some of the relationship skills I wrote about before and never realized how much I wrote and where I wrote from. Its crazy to hear my voice in all of that. Another thing to think about is to not say I'm sorry for being a bad partner or any of that other stuff to shift the focus off of you. The focus was on you and how you felt based on my actions. The mindset is not you're a bad person, it's what you need to do to help Hnin feel comfort. Just need to keep rereading and practicing everything here. 

I want to be someone who can admit to their wrong doings. I want to be someone who listens to how someone they care for feels. I want to be someone who can give space to talk and articulate feelings calmly and meaningfully. I want to be someone who doesn't have to justify everything, but rather be true to speaking how we feel. I want to be someone like we've been practicing. 

We've been doing great. Keep it up, keep it up. 

Just a little something I've thrown together during my time of peace today. This rain is wild per usual and it's really nice and calm right now.

July 31 Not a good look Wooo that was a lot. Like that was really tough. Im not happy with the situations in terms of how I was the cause of it and my actions continuing to trigger you and causing a rift between us, but I am proud of how we discussed it. Im not sure if we can attribute it to our growth or maybe you are just fatigued with me triggering you. But overall I needed to make sure to not try to justify or invalidate your feelings when you had to confront me about my actions and how you feel. Before I thought high emotions and trying to convince you was the answer to our struggles but its more of understanding how you feel and allowing room for you to go through your emotions and discuss whats going in your head regarding my actions. You came to me with your feelings of uneasiness, embarrassment, and frustration and it's my job to understand and hear your feelings. It's important that when one of us is affected by anothers action to understand why. And you are absolutely right. And my way of comfort isn't to justify my actions but I wanted to find some way to help reassure you. I know it isn't ideal and I know its something you probably dont even want to deal with at this point which is why Im trying not to push to hard with you because it will only escalate the situation. So your job austin is to apologize, listen, understand, and then take action. 

Admit that I am wrong and validate her. You mean no ill intent with what you do, but you do affect the people you care for with your actions. You're going to get this right. I hope that we can continue to address these situations as we move forward in life like this and not like we have in the past. If you're here at allI'm very sorry for starting your week off like this while you're sick. I'll check in later, but if you're not responding I cannot let me anxious attachment bother you. You are probably processing your feelings independently from me. *deep breathe*. okay

July 31  I forgot to mention tayto met a dear yesterday by my parents house lol

I just called yesterday to see how you were feeling and to say thank you for communicating the other night. Vocalize care for your health and appreciation and acknowledgment for our growth. Of course I woke you up lol 

I also have progress pictures I could show you too! It was funny watching you in the corner of my eye going over your progress pictures. Especially because I cant see it through social media or anything. I kinda wish I could see your videos of you swimming too. I raced bing a couple weeks ago (i cheated) to see if I could push my swimming too! Did you know swimmers are some of the healthiest people? Its so good for your joints, muscles, and cardio!

Todays not really an intricate post. Just updates and randomness.

I also booked all my doctors appointments! So excited to spend money on health even though this last month was tough on me financially. Also Im not sure if you saw how much I wanted to help at dinner but I was not going to be involved in that extra $450 of food based on bri and them eating others peoples food. That was chaos and I just wanted to go home lol ugh why are people like that. 

I was also happy that lauren felt comfortable to open up and be vulnerable. It was really cool that she felt like she could express her gratitude for me as well as share her feelings at that point. Idk that made me happy too. 

I was dreading a late dinner but sitting next to you and talking to you (even if it was a low energy conversation) and hearing how lauren really feels about life lately made it worth it. The rest was blah but I guess that was the main reason for me to be there.

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July 30 Here are sunset photos I collected this weekend for you. I was a little surprised when you gave me a call friday and then abruptly said goodbye cause you were going to sleep. And then I waited for you to message me back becauase I assumed you were sleeping lol. But kept my mind at peace this weekend not thinking in to it too much after that. Maybe becasue I was excited when I realized I might see you this weekend.

And on that note I wanted to say we did such a good job. Of course my expectations is to run to you and give you a big hug and hopefully have that energy recipricated. And then my mind was just to take care of you and be in good spirits around you. Then it got pretty hard because it felt like you didnt want to recipricate it. Then you mentioend you were sick so I thought to myself to stop overthinking but then seeing you interact with everyone else with so much energy made me overthiink and had to gather myself outside of dinner. 

Ultimately where I said we did a good job is for me when I gathered myself at dinner and on my walk to my car to not read into it. To not expect too much. To just be grateful and know how you feel about me. And on you where you communicated afterwards that you realized you werent as present. Idk I know its a tiny win but I was happy to recollect my mind and be in charge of wandering thoughts and not letting it grow and happy that you communicated with me and that I was able to still help and care for you when I was feeling like that. It reminded me of old times where I just tried my best with emotions in front of other people and our friends. 

Im not sure if you just randomly think of me and just want to share things real quick and thats all, but Ill just be grateful. I'm aiming to keep my peace of mind and not expect and assume too much. Dont take it personal austin :)

Also I shouldve gave you the hammock last night and I also found my tire pressure thing I bought for you to check on your car. I forgot I bought it with my dad and brotehr and left it in aarons car so I guess I have two things for you. 

haha its jsut funny how much I think of you in my own way. Its funny how much I want to just help you. make sure youre okay. Ive just always been so ready to be at your mercy wanting to make sure youre okay. I guess both of us. We have always wanted to take care of each other so so dearly. 

I have lots more to say as always but want to break it up in different parts. But anyways, full moon soon. For some reason Im back in the mindset of worrying about your safety and our time on this earth. It a weird feeling that is a little anxious. But yeah. I guess I cant touch on that more later too. Good night, hope you had a good time at the wedding. Im curious what dress you wore and how you were feelling. Maybe you got the sun flu or something like that where you get sick from overheating. I shoulve got you an ice pack rather than try to order you pho. 

July 28 I spent some time with carter yesterday. We sat and talked about his break down and work and his exhaustion. Then we also talk about how hard it is for him to not find and belonging to s a specific group of people because there are no one person that values and care for all the same things he does. For example religion, edm music, his heritage. Its hard to combine all that and he wishes there were more people like me in his life. Im glad I can be there for him and glad I could relate. Honestly it made me think of you and I. We both love nature, we love our concert friends, and you have you Burmese community while I have my identity I grew up with in high school. It's so hard that we all feel alone yet have met so many people. Its hard to find belonging where we have vastly different belongings. I told carter its about taking ourselves out of the current communities and reinserting us in a place thats more fulfilling to us. So when we still dont have everything we are looking for we have something that fulfill us. Idk just thinking about how I was trying to comfort him yesterday. He's going back to therapy and Im just worried for everyone around me. I hope youre doing okay too. I know you said you were on the phone the other night but I cant stop thinking about it. I cant wait to give you a hug. I know it doesnt take everything away but I really wanna give you some physical comfort <3 OOOO and its friday! I cant wait to go home and do my mini PT and hopefully finish another edit. and I cant wait to not be at work ugh tired of this place.

July 27 Hey you, so I wanna touch on me saying Im proud of you last night. Not just because of all you do but who you are. I think people that we put time and energy into are a good representation of an aspect of us. And I guess Im also proud of the person you are. And proud to be so intimate with you because I share and aspect of my life with someone so special and someone I think highly of. Like proud goes into so many things so Im not just excited for your life but on top of that like we always so I feel lucky and grateful.

July 25 Holy cow Im finally home. Today has just stacked up more and more and I feel like they are trying to make me quit so they dont have to pay me unemployment and pay an extra salary. Going to try to show them different. Just booked all my health stuff too just in case I lose my insurance lol. I really need a break from life. To go somewhere where my brain is off not thinking about anything. Just like all the times we go to parks. Where everything disappears. Thats all I want in my life for both of us. I hope your week is starting off peacefully too. 

Something that made me happy today was seeing all the pictures my parents and I took together. You know, one thing that has been ringing in my head was the pain I heard in your voice the other day when you said "austin you just dont get it, no one does". Youre right I will never understand it as much as it will be explained to me. Im sorry I cant comepletely understand how you feel. But I just want to be there for you. I want to listen as much as possible. I want to be your support when you feel like bending to a world of people that dont understand. Maybe no one understands and maybe I never will. But I want to try my best. Idk how many people can admit to not knowing and being okay with it but support doesnt start at understanding. It starts with realizing you dont but you care so much to be there regardless. 

I guess thats what Ive always wanted when I dont understand myself or go through things which is why I try to provide it so much. I hope that if this isnt what is helpful that it is communicated with me.

Also, I made it to wednesday <3 Cant wait to try and win both games tomorrow. 

I find art in you  Just woke up and decided to make this video. I call it "boat boat" I know youre not a boat but its inspired by you. Capturing a moment I had with my family, thinking about the water from the rainy city, that you love so much. Looking at the city in the spot where my family thought they saw someone that looked like you. Lots of ties to you. Where to most people its just a mini video about my trip. About washington. Where to me it ties to you. It ties to a happy memory. It ties to something I created after a very anxious day. 

Its my art. My peace. Its what I do that is different than most people youll ever meet. Its something where I create it not because its just "cool" but it was my peace. 

Maybe telluride. Camping. You and me can be something special too. Idk I guess Ill just make more videos for moments like this

Unhealthy things we say vs a respectful approach "you are overreacting" Saying that one another is over reacting invalidates their feelings. Instead understand that somethings may mean more to the other person than it may to us. Rather than dismissing each other state that we understand how important something is to one another when we get strong emotional about something. 

"That's not what happened". Things in our head may not ever seem to be what it is to someone else. Perspective. We have to reply with "that is not how I thought it happened". Neither of us is the truth and trying to understand how we both perceived something is how we can better approach the situation. We get so consumed that what we believe or remember is fact that we do not allow communication between each other when we are emotionally invested in our memories.

"I'm sorry you feel this way". We can always improve and although we don't intend to hurt each other sometimes our actions may make each other feel anxious, angry, sad, insecure. Always apologize for how we made each other feel. Once again we don't mean to but allowing the understand that we have made someone feel a certain way and feeling sincere helps show care when one has felt hurt.

The care, the humility, the consideration, and the strength to perceive is so so so important to cultivate a safe place for each other. It allows both of us to express our true emotion and inner child safely. It takes time but over time our inner child no longer needs to run away. I just read a bit of this book that mentioned that people that dont have a lot of relationships with friends over long periods of time, long term jobs, and go from relationship to relationship may have self sabotage and constantly uproots. They find solitude in a fresh start always beginning a "new chapter" rather than finishing and sticking with a story. It's often their defense mechanism when things get uncomfortable or too real because they struggle with addressing themselves and reoccurring situations. 

I think its something for both of us to look into and is something I'm curious about myself! Of course there are other factors to this but I think that's another reason why I'm simply not looking for more in life right now. The grass is greener where I care for it and a good yard takes a lot of work. But its your yard. So Im doing the water, Im mowing the lawn, and Im trimming the sides. Its not easy but Im really believing that long term its worth it. 

July 24 I think Im about to be fired lol they just put a listing about finding a new videographer and photographer lol. Ugh I just dont care anymore. I tried to apply some things you and I worked on last week where we cant let our anxiety get the best of us and not assume. Like even if that is what there is too happen what can I do to change it. They make a decision completely outside of what I do and think and today when I talked with my boss I told them I am just tired of trying to justify myself. 

I think Im taking this job personal and I hate to think that because its what I did with our relationship. Does this seep into all parts of my life? Am I changing at all? If Im not changing at all does that mean Ill never be able to be someone who can be a good partner to you? I read something the other day about how to approach people correctly. I post about it later but Im just collecting my emotions to be at peace. 

Im happy with my trip this weekend and looking forward to volleyball. Lets just get through life. I dont want to worry about things that upset me I want to look forward to where there is life. I honestly just dont think I have energy to feel that way from work anymore or in general. 

Im very grateful that we care for each other so much and take care of each other the way we have been. Like in my brain thats what a realtionship is. Maybe its a little unrealistic but us doing it proves to me that it is possible and its what we should strive for. Not a relationship based on insecurities and etc. Im so thankful for us through everything and cant wait to hold you again. I hope your weekend was full of recharging things too. I hope this week is fulfilling. I hope you pass your test soon so you can see its just another thing on your list for you to accomplish. I hope things are okay with your mom. I hope things that matter to you dont take energy from you.  

july 22 I get what you mean about your trip with your parents. not expecting anything and romanticizing how you want it to being your head. I pictured this trip very differently. I wanted to keep my camera out and record and just take them around thinking theyd react certain ways. Its funny they react to random things and not so much to things I would expect them too.

all in all its been a wonderful trip mom is happy trying new things, dad is happy to be alive and never thought he would make it this far, and my brother is happy to be with the family and somewhere new. they all got to see a world that they have never seen before and its been a really good family trip! theres bumps here and there but I am ready to just be home in bed. Ive been sooo tired and cant wait to just be sitting. 

I thought I saw you today. its so funny because I thought i saw you then I kep starting then aaron and my mom also mentioned that they thought it was you. then aaron kept walking with me and ask if it was but I said there was no way lol. my heart would have dropped because it was sunset. I kept thinking today how touristy you are as a new traveler to somewhere you have never been. I kept thining would hnin make me take pictures on her phone? would she force me to do 100 photos like all these other guys lol. I kept thinking how annoying people were with their phones taking pictures including my mom. maybe its because Im a photographer and Im all about getting a couple shots. when everything is set up how I want it to be to curate a piece of art. ooo and my parents loved the thai place. you know what they loved? the papaya salad LOL. 

hope your doing well this weekend <3 miss you it feels like forever since I heard from you.

July 21 Is it because I am in love with you? Why do I dream about you and think about you in every waking moment? Why do I only see life with you why is everything I do in thoughts of you? Why do I so desperately want to experience the past you, current you, and future you? Why do I want to have everything be okay for you. I just want the world for you.

 

It breaks my heart to hear you cry but can I be honest? It also makes me feel special that you can share those tears with me. That you can break down and be raw with me, Weird with me. Baby with me? Like from you bawling your heart out, to you farting, then you sleeping and breathing heavy, to waking up to thunder, to your weird voice. Like I get to experience that. I dont want you to feel alone anymore and it would make my heart more happy than ever to have all your callings be answered but I am grateful that I can be someone to sit and listen. I am still learning because I was taken back at first when you got angry that I couldnt understand but it was a test for me to one see how it is when emotions rise in someone else, and to manage my own. You trusted me enough to be calm with you as you worked through your emotions. 

I hope I wasnt the sole cause of everything the other night. And I hope I helped even the tiniest bit. I dont want to be your answer to everything I just want to help. Because when we answer something ourselves we forever hold that new strength. But we help guide each other to it. Im still proud to know someone like you. Most people wont see it but I will. 

July 20 Holy cow its been a day. Just finished dinner with my family and dropping tayto off. Funny story these people were suppose to adopt tayto a while back. Crazy huh?

Anyways today I wanted to talk about last night.  Im proud of me. Im grateful for you. And I love us taking care of each other. Im really happy I called despite being told I didnt need to. Im proud for being able to sit there and be grateful for you. Im proud of taking time to understand you and asking what you may need. Im grateful for you allowing me to be in your space. Im grateful for you hsaring your raw emotions with me. Im grateful for you having space to love me in the morning. I love that we are here to empower each other, comfort each other, and connect/understand each other. 

I love the space we have because we simply are there to take care of each other. I want to improve by not causing the concern in you. By not ever sending a text like that in the first place. I want to be in control of my anxiety but I am happy I'm catching myself. I know you. I know your love. I love you no matter what. Big picture we love each other. For you I want you to ask for me. On a hard day give me a call. I know you said. you could sleep it off but Im going to force my way into being there for you (when you allow it). I want to learn to do it properly but I want you to admit you want somebody there too. I want to be there which is why I drive, call, and all of the above even when asked not to. I run to you because I want to be there not because I have to. 

We are doing good :) I really think so and I love that we are growing in the aspects of love and learning in the aspects of management. We are both such good humans and with karma life reciprocates good energy, Idk what is going on with your mom but I see you in the most amazing light even with our human errors. We arent perfect and no one is expecting us to be perfect. You are doing so well and I want to say thank you for our space to do well and take care of each other. 

I dont want to write off how you feel and say I feel the same because we have different experiences but I do want to say I feel similarities. I might not get it like you said last night. I didnt know what to say at that point and felt really bad that it made you respond and feel that way. And whether I get it or not I want to always offer a space to talk, listen, or just be available. I know you havent had it a lot in life and maybe thats why its a bit hard adjusting to someone that wants to provide it but Im here for you. I love you. Sorry tayto cant be around this weekend but please let me know when you need to see her because today I realized shes in my life. Our life, For stuff like this. She wont say anything dumb like me lol she just there with you. 

okay sorry it was so late. Im gonna shower and pack now finally. bye bye. 

That was a fucking dumb text  Im just a bit flustered at work and had to walk out and called my mom and I think I was in high emotions about that. I need to quit Im so heated and frusterated about my boss, my coworker, and work. I am honestly mad anxious and probably got anxious about that too and honestly it doesnt matter. Like you either reply or not it shouldnt affect whether I reply or not. It just made me think to around before you vegas trip where it triggered me but its whatever Austin. None of it matters in the big picture. None of it all right now. Just go get lunch, go to volleyball, and go to dinner with your parents and go on to the next day. Get it together. 

LOL AUSTIN  Im so sorry. I think I just projected on you. I felt bad that I didnt reply right away yesterday when my phone died and felt that you felt a certain way and got anxious when I sent that message. Along with getting flustered at work today and the uncomfortableness form yesterday I think it built up and just poured out. Im so so sorry. From the bottom of my heart im sorry that even with this distance I still reached out with a stupid ass question like that. Legit just teared up at work and had to walk out again. I'll write more later when my mind is calmed down this evening. But please dont be anxious. I'm anxious and wasn't in control of my anxious attachment.

BRP DROP IT fuck fuck fuck im like trying to apologize and clarify and letting the anxiousness take over here's what you are going to do right no. 1. You apologized and understood that you got anxious and projected. You are human and it didn't blow things up. You did make Hnin feel anxious but you apologized. 2. Because you wanted to apologize so much and clarify whats going through your head you over explained to hnin not creating effective communication especially while she was at work. You post here explained it as best as possible and you can talk more later IF hnin wants to know more or ask. Otherwise you tried your best to explain, and do not need to do more at the moment. 3. Don't hold onto it. Do not sit hear and beat yourself up. Yes your reaction isn't ideal but it is in the past. Another thing writing and reflecting on this is growth. Yes the message you sent wasn't growth but realizing it quickly and reflecting here is. Good job Austin. Let it go, Hnin probably doesnt think big of this. You are human and you are approving. 

July 19 Practicing what I had written the other day. Its not a big deal in the big picture so Im not going to let it continue to affect me. As far as getting out what I had to say I believe I did not express things well because of the surge of emotions that I held in before. So I need to be better at managing those emotions in terms of articulating them while still having control over them BEFORE it gets to be big. But this also is in the assumption that I have people around willingly and capable to communicate these things more often. Otherwise find another outlet. Good job on writing dude. I saw this graphic of a kid in all red but as he wrote or typed the red went on to the item he was using. 

The sunset was freaking beautiful yesterday. Actually one of the prettiest sunsets Ive ever seen. From where I was the rain carried the sunset out of the sky onto the ground and it was beautiful. I wonder how it looked underneath. My phone ended up dying yesterday but it was so nice to shoot a basket. My leg was a tiny bit sore but I love basketball. Fun fact hnin, when I was a kid and got into a bad gfight at home or felt like it was going anywhere or felt too anxious instead of running away from home I ran to play basketetball. It let me work out all my negative energy, I got better at something I enjoyed, and my focus was just on the next basket. Its funny how volleyball does that for me as an adult. Where everything in my mind dissapears right now and the same for basketball yesterday. I left my computer at work so I didnt over extend myself yesterday.Needed that.

Also, also I love your love for tayto. The love you expressed for my brother the time we sat in the field talking about how you run for care. yeah. im gonna go poop now and get on ameeting

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July 18 Lmao I just cried at work wtf. I dont even know what the argument with my coworker was about. I think my back just got against the wall and I dont know what to do. I just asked to stop talking. Its making me think of moments where my back is against the wall and its because  my mind wasnt prepped to think about what I talked about. Maybe it's good that I stopped talking. Cause at times when we've argued in the past I should've just stopped talking instead of it going on. Because it doesnt help. And then taking some things for below. I know its not a relationship but I wanted to practice but nothing on anyone else. I just wanted to communicate I needed to stop talking. And am not frustrated at anyone or anything it was just a lot? Ugh idk I just want to dissapear cry face. My head hurts but wtffff I dont think Ive ever cried at work. Yeah nope I have never done that before lmao what the hell is this job taking its toll on me right now. I feel like im too honest of a person. Well it goes into other stuff but fuck. Actually my minds a mess right now. 

A read I had today "the success of a relationship depends on how you fightall relationships have frustration, anger, disappointments, insecurities, jealousies, and etc. but being able to communicate effectively is the key to overcoming these feelings.

These items are addressed rather than ignoring them, they do not engage in shaming/scorekeeping, they respect that there is disagreement rather than viewing it as a threat on their character, and they know which items to let go. 

The final portion they discussed regarding effective communication after an argument is repair. The ability to stay connected and come back to each other after a conflict. Understanding that you love one another no matter what. 

By repairing these things it includes addressing the situation. Explain why it matters to someone and explain that this wants to be fixed not because of frustration with one another but because you love each other. You want to make it work. When it is decided that it is for us not to make a decision to stay together that's a way to address it with security.

Next is to not invalidate each other. From different perspective and experiences we care about things differently and have a different take on it. Just because we may not agree to see the value in what one is saying does not mean we have to agree with it. But understanding why another person feels a separate way is important. 

Avoiding tunnel vision. It is a trauma response in terms of fight for flight. We often get caught up of the immediate feelings or thought but you have to keep in mind the bigger picture. Why you are together, because you love each other. You will make it work.

Communicate what you may need a head of time. Holding each other, grounding each other, a designated time of space, etc. But it must be communicated so that it is not taken the wrong way. 

Understanding that we may never be on the same page. Humans are different and the idea that everything has to be on the same page is unreal. Be able to understand when you've effectively gotten your point across and know when to drop things. 

Finally reaffirm each other vocally and physically. Let them know you care and love them. Let them know you are grateful for them. Let them know you can do anything together. Secure and stay strong in you care for each other. 

It was really cool reading this and diving into it. It made me see things I do well and areas I want to improve in. I feel like I've grown in the sense that I am firm in how I feel and how I care. Because of that I feel effective in communicating my feelings of love and gratefulness not stop for my partner. The part that I seem to struggle with is accepting that everything has to be figured out. That we have to agree and that some things need to be dropped if it doesnt matter. Maybe simply because I make everything matter too much. I feel like I've definitely grown in the sense of calming myself down and reaffirming that we can do things. Not all the time, but more than I have all my life which is a win. I am proud of my growth in managing my emotions by basing it on my love and care for someone but I do have a long way to go. But I do want to. I often see my coworker, brother, and some of my friends where I hear about their relationships having trouble letting things that arent the end of the world go. Its easier on the outside because you arent invested and its not the end of your own world but its nice to talk to people outside of you to realize it isnt the end of the world. When we talk to our closest people they also feel like its the end of the world because of their investment in us. But yeah. its just interesting food for thought today. 

July 27 Im so excited for this next volleyball league. Im sore, but Im so happy how good Im getting and now we have a very good team where we dropped some of the not as good folks. I always wanted to get good at it and now its really clicking! Going to schedule my doctor appointments this week and edit a ton at coffee shops. A big push this weeks would mean an enjoyable summer after :) just like your photos and videos. You have the best camping experiences, Love seeing you with your friends and spinning in flowers. Tbh I also imagine you sneezing the entire trip and reading a book in your hammock. You think this is the way your mom feels seeing you photos? Im going to take lots of photos and videos this weekend! Then send em to you. This is our first family trip just my family in a while. Not seeing anyone just being with each other. I hope I can make this good. I hope I do good. I hope Im patient. I hope I just walk behind them and let them enjoy at their pace. I hope I enjoy it in a new way too being to these places before. Idk. I just want to see my family happy together! maybe on a bike ride with my family at night. 

anyways I keep dreaming about you and life and I cant remember it when I wake up. everything feels so real and smells so real. idk. makes me want to sleep more. because I dont have to wait to hear from you. I get to talk to you all I want there. I think its all good dreams now too. I guess I like our moments when it feels like a dream. its like nothing else matters. just away from life. wait im rambling let me stop before it turns into 3 paragraphs of "what is he saying" lol

Lots of wins this weekend this weekend was very encouraging to who I am as a person. Both of my shoots really showed how I shine as a person. It isnt about how good I am with skill on a technical level. Its solely about how eager I am to learn, how willing I am to go the extra mile, and my interpersonal personality. I talked to two gallery owners who had a salvador dali in the back and hung a picasso. Two pieces from the masters of art. pieces worth over 1oo million dollars from people who are cornerstones of history and art. absolutely insane to sit there and talk to individuals who have stories that no one in the world hears. min blowning. then coueples that let me be apart of intimate moments during their day and bringing people out of their shell to be comfortable in the camera. thats a huge part about photo and video that people feel accepted with the work you create. the artists on friday loce to leave in in the hands of the creator because you trust the,m ugh so good. 

 

THEN I was very happy to say no to aaron and some cousins to not go out to see manila killa, he is one of my favorite artists but I didnt want to be surrounded by random people. I ended up going back to alinas house for her brithday to spend time with our small famliy. sidenite I wanna do movie night with that kiddo :) but I loved sitting in the back yard and talking to all of em. thats home. that family. AND THEN I said no to shooting munchies all weekend and even turned down the owners free ticket to the pool party today becasue once again. I dont want to be around random drunk people. im going to head to volleyball that makes me so happy and play today. then we are just eating and Ill be home to edit. 

 

really proud of my decisions this weekend, where I spent time, and the interactions I had. and Im even happier that you also went to do something that you really liked and went. camping :) honestly it would be nice to camp just us too as well. and Im happy we are jsut both happy right now. I cant wait to see your pictures.  

andddd Im also so grateful for my family and building a stonger relationship with them. my dad has been so happy and light to be around and finally isnt scared to say he wants to be around us. its not the most emotion but he is finally expressing it. I love seeing happy and have purpose and just simply riding his bike, eating, and hang out with us. he even gives us full big hugs now. and my brother too. hes going through a rough patch but us trying so hard to be there for each other and acceepting it is leaps of growth than we have ever had. Im excited for my trip next week. Im excited to finally not be at global. I excited to not be around those poeple. Im excited for a life worth living with so much more value. 

I enjoy everything, but there are just somethings I enjoy more. 

July 14 I got put into a deep sleep last night. Didnt sleep until 2am again unfortunately but I slept deep finally. You were there and it seemed so real. I dont remember what you said to me but I swear you were real. And then, this morning something happened from the gym regarding my car. And I question if it was still a dream. But I can feel everything now. How cold it is in my office. Feel my thoughts running around. Yeah Im awake. Anyways I thought you were there lol. 

Something I realized on my drive is that its scary that one day Im going to lose your love. Besides our parents and siblings no one is guaranteed to love you forever. I think thats the thing about thinking someone is the love of your life because you believe that you will love them forever and they you. But everyone else? They just come and go in life. Maybe you see them once a week. Once a month. Once a year. Never again? But thats the thing that I wanted with you. I wanted you to be someone that I could never imagine that would stop loving me. But there's so many times I trick myself into thinking that one day you wont love me anymore because of our actions, our fights, our understanding, our reciprocation. And to be honest that might be something that falls onto me. Something in my head that isnt secure enough to believe that someone loves me as much as you do. Because fact is, right now you do still love me. Whether we think we do certain actions or react in certain ways I have to understand that like I hope you understand that for me. I love you. I love you more than anything right now and no one comes remotely close. I don't want to be with anyone right now which is why it was so hard to try and get that point accross to you to make you feel that security too. I wish we just trusted that we both loved each other and never wanted to let go. I wish we both trusted enough that we are in love and only want to live life with each other. I wish we didnt feel like when we talked it was to say we didnt love each other rather than try to understand each other. Like all the conversations recently werent things that was suppose to make you feel like I loved you any less. I fucking love you and didnt want that doubt. I swear. The Illenium argument was because I didnt like to be flat out disrespected by your friend in front of everyone. But the night after volleyball, the night after my call with han, those days were just us talking about life. We talked about deep stuff trying to understand each other but it wasnt anything aimed to be angry at each other. We just didnt manage our emotions. Dang it how do I always get lost writing these...

I need to be better at planning what I write so it might mean something to you with though instead of me rambling. I need to do my daily tasks. I need to be more disciplined in my thoughts and intentions. Main focus this weekend is to really tighten up on all of that for me long term. Then after that the following daily routine is to keep good habits. This last week I was frozen again. But maybe I should get up. Youre moving so I want to be moving. I wanna see you next time and be full of life when I hug you. Not empty because all I do is sit at home and miss you. 

So this weekend is my last rounds of shoots until the end of august. LETS GET IT AUSTIN. Grind one more weekend for shoots. Grind one more week for edits. Work hard now so we enjoy the end of summer. I honestly think if I  can make one more investment before my 30s then I would probably be set for the next 20 years to be comfortable. 

I guess one more thing ona and I talked about yesterday is the struggle between work hard play hard. And right not I want to enjoy as much as I can but not beat myself up for missing out. Because there is so much life to life where I can get things in fornt of me done.  Then not rush to have kids. I want to experience a lot, learn a lot, be happy more. Then with my kids I can teach them so much, give them experience, and give them all the time in the world be rested in happy. 

If I can secure finacial freedom and work less then I can be happier and spend time with them. I was walking with my coworker in home depot yesterday and just asked him 100 questions about tools because he was a construction worker. Now thats more stuff for me to share in the future. And to my kids :) all because I wanted to learn. Im excited because I really think Im going to be a good dad. Im glad to have that confidence again. 

thats another thing  how much of your roll do you remember? I honestly think you were rolling super super hard during our good moment and wasnt sure how much of it you remembered. how much of what we said to each other. how we just started into each others eyes. how much we sang. and the very last moment was us looking at each other before soung came. do you remember us taking time to look at the clouds? do you remember your dancing? do you remember seeing the drones? do you remember your smiles? how was alll of it for you?

Whats gonnna change? We talked about ourselves realizing how much work we needed individually but like always we never really decided what we want to do to change. to be better mentally. idk I was just thinking about that because today I just got a bit anxious. and all I could think about was how this would affect you. that I can manage my feelings and thoughts and how that strains us. a good example is how I get stuck on things like my bed. and spent all week looking for a bed. and now realizing how much time i wasted when I needed to do sooooo many other things. I get hyperfocused on something that I need to fix because I get so scared my busy mind is going to foegt everythhing and its a good example of how I need to solve so much and not let things go because my mind is filled with so muhc. I need to take so much time to prep my mind, I need to empty my mind with lists and priorities so that I can know when to focus on items and not have it flooded. Ive been making lists but havent been doing it with lots of effort. I rememebr when I was doing really good with this when you and I were together and I wrote every night before I went to sleep a list by my bed. I also find writing here helps with my anxiousness. also being next to you helped it a lot too when we were there to support each other.

see writing about this helps me really tune , focus, and bring clarity. I get so caught up in the concerns that I dont create solutions and I have some here now. some  cant be solved like my want to be next to you and talking to you all the time. but what I can do to combat that is write here. once a day. 3 times a day. at midnight lol. 

okay I have some answers and somethings to practice. I also need to revisit this in a sense with other things. ugh I feel like theres this gaping hole in my life every time we are like this. you ever hear that song by rita less lonely together? like it talks about how painful it is to be apart but how we may hurt each other, but if we are gonna hurt seperately we might as well hurt in each others arms? lol fuck. my mind feels like its gonna explode. it feels like the day at illenium when I walked by myself. so many voices around. ugh now Im sad because Im starting to feel like that again. man I wish I was in your arms at that moment when the trip got bad and its got to be so much. at least I got to cry with alyssa and kevin. Im glad they grabbed me when I said I was gonna go home. it let us spend more time together. ugh what happened in my life to feel like this growing up. why do we feel so abadoned?

I like similarity while Im writing to you I just found out my coworker writes to his 2 year old son everyday. not sure what about but its a journal he wants to give to his kid later. and it reminded me of this, theres a chance he may read it in the future there a chance her may not. But writing from the bottom of your heart and pouring into something is special. letting him know he's humans, about his day, about how much he lvoes him, or even there new kid he just told me about. hes a stressful coworker. but hes a good guy. he has a lot of the same issues that I do and I gave him some advice today. not that I have the answers but im going through a lot of the smae things he does at least from a mental standpoint. actually this is something Id probably be excited to share with you. 

anyways its been nice messaging you. its been nice talking and just caring for each other. its nice to be light around you. it makes me feel like Im not just bad for you. that I dont suck life out of you. 

ps you are taytos mom though lol. no one loves her like you and my family :)

July 13  I would honestly let you decorate my house. Of course I'd have popculture touches here and there but over all you have really good taste. In clothes, houses, lots. I like it. Also I watched odesza yesterday and had tears and goosebumps to start then ended with ALL of the emotions. I want to create something like that. I love the video, the art, the story. It is so freaking amazing. If you want to see something that makes me come alive watch that movie. The arts are such a magical thing to me and I cannot believe I get to immerse myself in so much of it. Theres special shows I love being apart of because of how incredible the artists and performances are. I wanna touch on this more I have to leave the office with my team to shop real quick. Ill. be back.

July 12 Macc is finally moved away from adin. We moved all night and grabbed a bite at in and out. Macc was the last one of the group that II got to talk about you. And maybe is the most sincere when it comes to how I talk about my love for you and how badly I want things in my life to work out with you. Maybe thats why I missed Macc so much is because I feel like she loves the same way I do. Yeah. I couldnt sleep til 2am again thinking about you and thats all thats been on my mind on the way to work today. I think about how lucky it is to love you for more than just your looks. Your voice, your touch, your mannerisms, your comfort. Like Truly you are as close as I can ever believe to being anything I want in this lifetime. Seriously. I think thats why its also so scary. When you find something so important to you, you have everything ride on that. I also found that my mind still makes assumptions, is still insecure, is still creating false narratives. And if you were next to me I would probably cause chaos towards you. I would probably start a fight for no reason other that lies by my anxiety to myself. I keep thinking back to the night after volleyball, the night I called you after talking to my friend about work, the night after mizu. Situations that weren't intended to turn sour, but situations where I just am excited to talk to the love of my life. And it ultimately boils down to us managing ourselves before we bring unwarranted strain on each other. I feel as if we are both mentally fragile already and do not want each other to associate it more with each other. I know relationships have ups and down but loving someone so damn much breaks my heart when we get like that. I think Im hyper aware of that because Ive also seen it throughout my family. 

Hnin I  so dearly want to be with you. I love you more than anything and that night I called hurt my heart and freaked me out so much. It went from me so excited about some answers in my life that i wanted to share a high with you to me driving to your house hearing about how you dont want to live anymore because of me. I was just excited to talk to you and we couldnt keep the conversation there. As you can tell I am extremely sensitive to how I affect people. Ever since my brother first tried to kill himself, to the day he came up and said those words to me, to the other night when he drove a blade into his arm. I do not ever want to be the source of pain anymore. Hearing your voice driving down the road will forever haunt me. It haunts me more than my excitement to call you that day to share my happiness. I feel so guilty that all I do is bring pain to people. The people I care for most in this world. 

And now I sit here with the pain of not having you in my life and the pain of making you feel that way. It honestly makes me hate myself so much, I hate that I cant just be with the love of my life and make it work. I hate it. And I hate that all these concerns, questions, and insecurities pop up and that I dont have a way of processing them and talking with the person I love because Im not sure we have the space to talk out of love and helping each other understand. Im just at a loss. 

To tie it up I told macc as we walked to the car that I dont remotely want anything close to a realtionship if its not hnin. I am so defeated, so sad, so detached from everything and everyone. All I want is to do the things I love and put time into things that are important. I want to focus on my physical and mental health. I want to focus on my arts. I want to get in touch with nature. And I want to just have friends. I dont want anything sexually if its not you, I dont want companionship if its not you, I dont want intimacy. Ive never felt so removed from anything in life before like this. I guess the wedding the other day kind of reminds me of this too. lol

Anyways Im so grateful for you. To feel so much love. To care so much. To have something so special unlike anything in this world. To hear your voice at night and your quirkiness. To have you still care and love me. To have a place with you despite our tears. I love you so damn much, And Im so happy to have this place. I guess I never needed the finsta. I just needed a place to talk to you. Im glad I've grown to create this space for us. For me. For you. <3

July 11 My mom just left to california to say goodbye to her cousin. And I just watched this sad video on tiktok. And Im sleepy. Three random things that came to mind that I thought I could share lol. Today Aaron and I are helping macc move too. She went back to adin but asked us to help move things today because they are scared he might get aggressive. Hopefully nothing happens but screw that guy. And screw the guys that dont actually care for someone they love. It actually makes me so mad that he was ever involved in maccs life and is now trying to make her uncomfotable in her DJ stuff. People suck. Sorry random rant, but I cant stand how he pretends to show a fake face on social media. macc even told me how cringe it was that he took a picutre with me on our birthdays even though he hates my guts lol. ugh I hate not authentic people that care for others

I was also talking about that to my coworker. its hard to find folks that care more about lives and themselves. that care more than indulging in a life about me me me rather than taking care of each others and individuals who make the world go round. I found the more money people have the less likely they are to care about real things in life (not always but majority). 

I guess youre wondering why I mention all this but I love that youre looking at your tents and camping stuff. I love that you invest in things that fill your soul. I love that you are different. I mean different from the people we are around. Even different from my friends. Because I dont think they enjoy the natural world like you do with me. I think a portion of you remind me of smipler times in my life. away from the rich folk that we know now. you remind me of my college days where we just enjoyed life on a daily basis with whatever we had. yeah. also I cant believe I bought a tv today smh haha

July 10 I take things too personally. I get in my head. My anxiety creates narratives that take love away from myself within my head. It's such a me issue that shouldn't involve others with because it's not healthy. But I do want to talk about your presence. After barely talking for a couple minutes and just knowing you were on the other side of the phone my body just relaxed and was no longer tense. Like literally just knowing you were there. Then everything after that was a plus for me lol I don't ever want you to make you feel like you are responsible for anything regarding me, but I do want you to know I appreciate you more than anything in this world. You are responsible for your parents and yourself already and I dont need to be another thing on your list. But I am so grateful that you do make that space for me. I know this is a new chapter for you and I often take new chapters as leaving things behind but a chapter is just another part of a story. A chapter is a continuous portion of who you are. Who we are. 

Its funny how you call and just make this okay. I hope if you ever need me youll let me know. I want to do the same for you. I want us to take care of each other. This is all I ask for. For the two people who love each other so much to take care of each other. Be there for each other. Secure each other. And just plain love each other. Ill probably talk to you later today on here!

Okay to continue on from below. Yeah. It made me think of us. I felt like we made each other better people. Overall in the sense of pushing us to what we want in life. Not just settling to be pulled toward the senseless being out, but to people who bring more into our lives. More into who we truly are. Where we are from. What we are now. And where we care to be in the future. I truky believe with my heart you made me a better person. Ill let you speak for you. But regardless of what you may think thats my truth. I know a ton has happened in between where we have become disheartened. Where we have changed and maybe our mental health took a toll. Or other things. BUT I think the reason we have so much appreciation and love for each other is because you truly made me a better person. You brought something into me I have been looking for all my life. Solely you. I needed the space you provided whether it felt like it or not. Im not talking about the fights im talking about our moments where the world dissapeared.

 

It made me happy hearing them. Then I sat outside while it rained for a bit.

 

The thing outside of them is the peace you and I are looking for. Peace with each other and in ourselves. We talked about our insecurities. Projections. Past trauma. Finally realizing we had so much meant the world to me. Because we have finally admitted to being human. We are on the path to understanding soemthing so much more about ourselves. Everyone has this. Everyone. And to think you dont is a lie to yourself. Or maybe just blocking it out. But its a step for us not pressuring each other to be something so perfect that doesnt have this. And a love that loves so much that wants to protect their love of their life are people i see S parents. We have attributes of being parents to love our kid so much we want to protect it from everytbing invluding our faults. And learning about ourselves to grow for them.

​Honestly that type of shit is love of my life type shit. And maybe thats why all this is so hard for me. Because I sit here for the first time in my life calling someone the loml. Ive mever done that before and you are the first person I believe that about. I have a lot of insecurities that have been running through my head and I don't want to hate myself about them anymore. Im entitled to it and want to overcome it. I want to be so strong one day and its not going to start with me laying in bed. Its not going to start with me partying 24/7. Its not going to start if I doubt myself.

Last thing for the weekend,

I wanted to add a video to this post but Im still editting it but its the vowels of the couple I shot the other day. One of my new favorite couples. Like seriously I love their relationship. Ive know the guy from college, not super close but he was definitely a friend. And I saw in our meeting at wake and bake right where I sat with you. And we laughed and talked about so much life that someone came to quiet us down. Then their vowels to each other. Their friends and families speeches to each other... my goodness it made me happy.

 

Lets start with their vowels. He talks about how much of a better person he has become with her. How much life she brings into him. And ends with asking his parents do you trust me to take care of her. Its goes into more and I need to watch the video but we can touch on it later.

 

Then his family spoke on him. They talk how incredible kyle is. How loving, how full of life, and so much more. And with her she just ontinues to enhance him as a human. Good humans making each other more and more good. When they met her theyve never seen anyone laugh so much together. They have never seen someone who fits him so well and also mention he loses everytbing. His keys 3x in different countries. Even the ring and shoes lol but one thing they can never imagining him lose isnhis love for her. He loves her more than anything and that could never change.

 

Ill type later tonight what all this means to me but Ill let it soak an as is first.

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I cant get over it and everything else. I cant get over that all that happened that day. I cant get over that all youve felt recently was thinking that I wanted to leave. I cant believe it didnt seem like I was compromising and changing, I cant believe you couldnt understand how much I love you and was trying to make it work, I cant believe you didnt feel how happy and peaceful I was that day in the park. I cant believe Im here. Away from you. Alone again. 

No, no, no, Thats just late night friday thoughts driving home lol. I know you expressed your understand of how much I love you. How you know how pure my love for you is. How you know how unconditionally I love you. How you know you meant the world to me. I know that. Its just hard to accept that youre not here. Maybe now I need to pick myself up. No one else is going to help me pick up all the broken pieces with me except myself. I feel like Ive just been chipped down the last couple weeks trying to give it my all with you, my brother, my job. I feel like I try to hard to show how impaortant things are and its just so misunderstood. I just am so sad that me trying wasnt good enough. Im just so sad that there wasnt a faith in me changing giving me gracefulness that its not over night. Im just so sad that I feel that my heart that is so full of love and care for so many things isnt enough. Wow I didnt think Id cry today lol. 

I just think a lot at night. On drives home. When im alone. Am I the only person that has their mind running 24/7 about things like this?

Anyways Im happy for you. You have so much more in life that you dont realize isnt temporary. monica, our little family of friends, your family of friends with johnny. The thing is, no matter how much time you dont see those folks or where you are in life they always bring you around. Thats why it was so hard for me to understand why you would ever think youd lose monica. shes forever in your life. I just thought time for stuff that mattered to us would be important to build. like these people love you so much and willfind their way even if you chase the things that are important to you. you are so loved. you have so much permanence in your life. 

its not just me. its so much more. and that makes my heart happy. im so happy you have these people. 

Im on a new journey. when I pick myself up. when I am full again. when I am strong again Im going to go on a journey to find my place. Ive always felt abandoned. Ive always felt that Im not a constant iun anyones life. just temperary happiness that picks people up. and maybe thats why i was so focused on finding people to have around ready when everyone else moves on with their lives. I always admired you. you seem to have so much and it makes me happy that you do, it makes me happy that someone I love has so much. holy cow im choking up lol

I needed to cry, and I needed to write something happy about you. now I can go ride my bike. 

July 7 Finally got some sleep yesterday. Todays going to be super random posts but here we go

Ive been watching podcasts about mr beast and how obsessed he is with learning and doing the best he cant do with his business and how a lot of his time is consumed with it. And he happens to have a girlfriend he freakishly likes to learn just as much and pushes him to do his business. Then he talks about how they make time to be around each other within the structure of their life in terms of their businesses, passions, and loved ones. Its really cool cause she lives in cape town and he takes a 13+hour flight to go see her and just spend long periods of time with her when they can. Maybe all of my long distance relationships in the past made me function like this lol. Kelly also mentioned how luke also does the same to her in the sense that some days he really needs to sleep or has work on his mind and now hes going to retire her in the next several years. But its really cool that people encourage their loved ones to pursue and do their best. 

Then segway into my other random thought but I cried when my friends grabbed dinner with me yesterday because I expressed why I loved you again. I told them similar things I told aaron, but I was spilling from the bottom of my heart why you are so special, why I cant imagine finding anyone remotely as important as you in my life, and how youve taken care of me. It was nice that lilly and kelly heard me clearly. I didnt ball but you know how I talk and tear up and get choked up? Yeah. I also had to let them understand how regardless of how things are I always desperately want it to work out, I want it to be you, and I want us to have a love thats free, understanding, and not hurtful toward each other. I talked about you message to me the other day and how much love I was filled with and how much we've impacted each other. I was just happy to have a place to talkt to my friends about love with you. Then I teared up about how happy I was to have the space to talk about my love for you. I actually really like that space when I tell kevin and allyssa how much I love you. And my brother. And victor. It makes me happy thinking of you and having people hear that about you. Thats the only way Ill see us overall. I miss you so much, lol I said that so many times yesterday. Especially with everything going on. But just like you said that afternoon the following day is that I have to be strong. My tears about you is happiness. My pain is from other struggles in my life that I have to accomplish. And when you messaged me you give me courage instead of us projected our insecurities and trauma on each other. 

I have a bunch of my shoots contracted from the beggining of the year that Im really tired to do right now, but I can do this. We can do this. We can do anything just like I said seeing you climb that mountain <3 WE CAN DO ANYTHING. You know, for the first time in my life after a relationship I really dont care to be with anyone else. I found what I wanted in a person with you and if not you I dont have to go searching, You helped me realize a lot of it is in myself and thats my focus. Im so excited to let the essence of me shine and to pour so much into myself. Fitness this week has finally started, revisited my goals and my business structure, and refocusing on my family. Booked my solo trip for september. (well half since Im waiting on my pto from stuff with work)

And another thing. I think Im addicted to our videos. I need to lock it up or delete it, Maybe Ill ask aaron to set a pin to a "secret" folder. But all I cant think about is you. All of our stuff is probably associated with the feelings and even now it has me aroused. I watched a scene of this couple embracing each other the other day and it made me think of us which is why I got turned on then I ran upstairs to look at everything. What if our sex is the only way I get aroused. After we had that talk the other week I didnt beat my meat for so long. It didnt even cross my mind because I was so sad and consumed with everything. And now not hearing from you in what seems like forever hearing you moan (thank goodness for the hotel) or how we talked to each other is the biggest form of intimacy I can.think of lol 

TMI haha going to shoot a wedding now of friends from a very high point in my life in college. Adios hnin.

You know, my life before I met you I really didnt do too much. It was just work and work out. Thats why I was so fit when I met you. I really didnt do too much. I didnt see my friends for a long time until that catch up date with you. The trip with ona and dani was spontaneous because ona had a special break but I didnt go to anything before that. I didnt really hang out with friends I literally would work. come home put away my money. wake up to work out and spend time on my business. then go back to the restaurants. it wasnt an exciting life but I was content because I was working towards goals. then you brought such an influx of happiness to my life and it felt like drugs because I was so happy all the time. if you think about it, a majority of the events we did was stuff you had recommended. your friends that reached out to you to do it and I was happy with that. 

I feel like a part of my life disappears with you. but I dont feel like that would be vice versa for you. back then it was probably easier for you to go out and do things and I would lay in bed because your life just continues as is. I dont think most people understand that about guys and girls. I talked to cisco and some other guy friends about this but girls get the ease of always being invited to things. and your friends are always out, your other friends always have family dinners, and girls like to have girls nights. guys are a little tough in the sense that guys nights are kind of weird for us. aaron cisco and i hung out the other day and all I did was want to sleep LOL. but girls do have it tough in the sense that they are just eye candy and have to determine if people like hanging out with them for the real raw life stuff or just party friends and a sexual way. where guys (as long as you dont spend money) have girls that want to hang out with them soley because of who they are. 

lol sorry about the random rant but i had that conversation a couple times and it stuck with me. and honestly idk why I started this post. oh wait I do I was just going through my calendar to plan this month and doing my finances and it reminded me of time before you. wow and now thinking about it is making me sad. LOL its funny that I write as I think. okay I have another big meeting today. sayonara

July 6 wow yesterday was rough lol idk what is going on with these last threee mondays/tuesdays...

anyways I wanted to talk today about my conversations with my mom and my coworker. I guess todays a little bit more of a me post. I dont know why this is turning into my journal because I dont write anywhere else. I guess I need to work on that. anyways starting with my coworker. he helped me through a bit of it. just asking questions that I havent answered in a long time. its nice because he used to be a leader at one of the camps I grew up going to that was important to me. Im not sure if I ever told you about it but i guess thats why me and him have a lot of life talks. he didnt give any answers or say anything in particular but he let me articulate that I was hurting. I cried a bit. and he asked for a hug. his aim is to be a good dad and husband and I really appreciate him even though he doesnt do well with his emotions vs our boss at work.

and then I talked to my mom. it wasnt good at first trying to decide to do with aaron. and I think aaron is mad I told my parents. and my mom wouldve been mad if I didnt. I was just caught between two places cause a mother wants to help and hearing her cry made me feel bad. I just forget about it all because what ever I do doesnt seem right. I just hurt people. and then she also talked to aaron about the night and ali so idk what all went down. But I did find out a lot of my moms feelings toward you only come from what she hears from aaron. because I never told my parents anything bad about you. 

I just have a lot of hard feelings. one thing that kept me up that night (and I know its not intentional and im taking it personally) but it was why is everyone always leaving me in some way or form. why do I have to try so hard to hang on. why dont people understand that I care for them so much and that they mean so much to me? I guess thats the theme of my life. 

I proceeded to ride my back for abour 30 minutes after everyone left and went to sleep. im so weak right now but I want to make sure I can make myself strong again. I have faith I can. its just hard seeing myself as I am now. 

wow heavy post. I wish your hands were on my head and arms. I wish you could just hug me from behind. wow I didnt thing Id start tearing up thinking of that of all things right now. 

I have a weekend full of shoots from clients at the beggining of the year. the weddings that funded my life in january are all happening now so lets get this last busy season... cant wait for a nap. cant wait for a massage. omg my massages. I cant schedule one for another month because of availavbility. no friday or weekend ones :( I also need to go to the doctor for my body. ugh take care of yourself austin. dont be in places with people you dont want to. get sleep. be happy. talk and fill your heart.

July 5 I bought a new comforter! I knew you'd like it because its soft and warm! Just made me think how I bought one when you reccomended that I needed it lol 

last night was rough. aaron tried to kill himself again. he wants to kill himself by the end of the month and this has always been tough on me. that one day I had to choose between aaron having a panic attack and you walking away this is the type of thing thats always been on my mind. he tried to cut his wrists last night and I had to take the knife out of his hands after he started. I had to remove ali from the siuation because she did not help and I told her they cant see each other anymore. I hope he understands how much I need him in life because he is just tired of living. then I had to go and help take care of ali too and make sure she was okay mentally. im so tired I didnt sleep again. I havent really had good sleep in a while.

he also brought up you and i. it made me pretty mad and I told my mom about it. I didnt react to him with too much emotion (ill get to that later) but I told my mom how mad I was and she said he is just trying to shift his actions to not seeing ali to me. and projecting and trying to hurt me. I know he doesnt like seeing me sad but I replied pretty strongly about not talking on us like that. I said that I love hnin and want to be with her where as aaron says he wants nothing to do with ali. i told him that he heard the otherday from my mouth why youre so important to me and why I love you. and he just kept replying that it hirts to see me hurt. and it hurts to see someone he sees that is strong crumble. I get it hurts him but the thing is he is trying to internalize my pain and its his situation he thinks of. I was just mad because he said I need to do the same and he dodesnt no better. its so different and he knows better. he heard what I said when I loved you and cant deny that. but at his lowesrt he tried to put that on me. ugh im mad at him. im worried. im sad. ughhh

im so tired of having to be strong hnin. im so tired of taking care and trying so hard to make people understand situations that their emotions take over their minds. im really tired and need a rest day. self care day. mediation. massage. 

im going into the 1st of three meetings with my ceos and hr to address the last couple weeks but its going to be rough conversations this week.  so this was all over but hope you had a wonderful 4th~

July 4 Its raining lol I was in the mountains today and tayto was doing just fine! But it rained all day and just makes me think about the movie. I didnt know they closed the mountain and I was curious if I was going to get a glimpse of you. Very thankful for this rain because it limits the fire works for tayto. Shes a stinky girl right now but didnt have to shake today! 

Your message filled my heart so much. Honestly I dont care what people say, I know we had our good and bad moments but I think you and I loved each other more than 90% of other couples. And I think things were hard because we truly did love each other. I see so many other fake relationships from social media and think how time and time again Im so lucky to be loved by you. 

Hearing about the way you talk about life also turns me on so much. I know, weird. But I love how you talk about life. Then while watching our videos from our trip I also though how much I love your natural look and with make up. You naturally look so good and make up just fine tune things but I think thats why Im so attracted to you. Then I saw your pooch from your red dress at the engagement. And wow. Once again I find you attractive in soooo many cases. I was also in the car with my parents and love how you are a mix of both of em. I thjnk I told you that when I first met you. 

Anyways, so full of love. I miss you. *its raining harder the more I write* what is this world lol

Baby tayto is shaking tayto literally cant move when fire works start. she shakes so bad that she can even sit up I can barely pick her up. my parents have been so worried about her and it makes me think of last year when I left her. I didnt realize how bad it was and I feel so bad. Thats why I was so worried about leaving to pick her up last year. Ugh I felt so bad last year trying to pick her up and changing plans. Ive actually never seen tayto like this. Ive been holding her for the last hour and listening to music. Its crazy because I love fireworks but for tayto I guess I cant really be around em anymore. But its okay Im so happy to hold her and try to calm her down. 

July 3 I changed with you. And not in a bad way. You were in my life in the perfect time. Maybe 26-28 happen to be a very big change in my life. Careerwise, self reflection wise, goal wise. It's weird right now all I want to focus on is my future. My career, who I am, my health. In the past I wanted to be out because I was so scared of missing out and gave myself no time to heal. I still rushed life. And now I'm just here. Taking in the mornings. Thinking about you. Thinking about me. I know we fight a lot and mis understand each other but I can help but feel you were deeply something healthy for me and what I truly needed in life. I really dont want us to hurt each other anymore. I still love you so much and really dont think I will ever find love like we had again. So I guess thats why Im just content sitting at home. Im content planning my goals. Im content just still basking in everything about us. I wish you were here in my bed still while I woke up to work. I wish I get to kiss you when I wake up and start moving, But I never want to see you cry like that again. You think we could go a month without arguing or yelling? Is that an unrealistic expectation? Do people really learn to manage their insecurities and emotions like that? Im so ignorant that I cant even imagine the growth in myself yet. Ugh I guess I have so so so much more to learn. Rn my playlist is on shuffle and Ive never heard any of these songs. But it makes me think of those happy travel festival life montages. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CqkLzaJ1ZTA&ab_channel=KarimJoud

This movie makes me happy because its about friends whol come back together after drifting apart. But aaron and I love the ending of being at a festival with the love of your life and people you care about. Also its the gorge before the gorge. Also it was my halloween costume in 2014 hahaha

July 2 Macc got back with Adin lol. Our friend group is hearbroken. Feels a little betrayed and is worried for her. We feel like we've lost her. It was so nice to have her pressence back from one day and with all the evidence she still went back. We are all so emotionally exhausted that we all kinda withdrawled and went back to being by ourselves. I was happy to have our friends under one roof hugging for a day. But I guess thats not a thing. I really feel like just going into a hole to work out, work on edits, and spend time alone. At least the next couple months. My heart is in turmoil right now...

Anyways I hope you were safe. I hope you felt accomplished. I hope you had time by yourself. I hope you had time with others. I hope you got to share lots of stories walking up. I hope it was a wonderful weekend. I also hope it was cool enough to sleep in your hammock :)

July 1 Pieces of you Im eating our noodles from the other day. Less spice but with meat and egg. I think about the pieces of each other that we will have in each others lives. I hope you use that hammock til the strings fall off. I hope it goes with you all over the world when you are surrounded with the best memories. I hope our mannerisms and things we showed each other stick in each others heads forever. I hope we see the rain and think of that movie. I hope we see the goodness in each other thhrough moments that seem like nothing to others. Have a good trip <3

So macc finally broke up with adin. We all went to help her move and we might help her pay to break the lease and to buy her a bed. Then we all went home to eat dinner. Its like we received some of our family back. Today was rough and you were in the back of my mind all daybbut taking care of a friend all night helped keep me calm. 

I am usually anxious on a friday night especially when we are out of touch. But my time with you these last couple weeks put my heart in a good place. Im really sad tonight but Im not anxious. I think ive understood your love and care so much more. Like i always knew you love me but I felt it so much recently. Especially the night you ran your fingers around my body and in my hair <3

UGH IM PROBABLY PROJECTING AGAIN  Im crying at work thinking about this but you will probably be happier with your friends on july 4th. All I am is just conversations that get to deep that make you feel a certain type of way. Im so freaking sad right now. I really just want to disappear again because Im falling back into this whole where Im not good for people. Im just going to dissapear again. Dont worry about me being around Im just going to go into my hole and just not be around anyone. Ill just work, work out, and work on myself. I really dont want to be around anyone if Im not around you. Literally thats all I wanted. I wanted to be with you at the strings event. Iwanted us to wear alll black. I wanted us to cuddle with tayto and watch the fire works. I wanted just time with you. I wanted to watch more movies together. I wanted to just watch you on a sunset walk. ugh, it was all just fine. why did monday happen? I was so tired and stressed the next day over a  phone call where I just called you because I was happy. and it lead to so much despair. WHY WHY WHY

June 30 Im projecting. I am scared that you dont believe Im in this for the long haul. Im scared that Im constantly being questioned if I'll stay. Im scared if Im going to do to you what I did to my brother. Im scared that my life is going to be viewed as me being self fish and non comprisable with all the things coming up. Im starting to believe that I am basing my self esteem off of your reactions again.

I want you to see that Im changing things, I want you to see that I never wanted to leave, I want you to see that all anyone around us cares for is that we are happy. If we stop letting so much get to us and stop caring so much about having specific things our way maybe we couldve enjoyed life together. Maybe we can go longer than a week without arguing. Maybe we could go longer than a week just uplifting and being happy for each other. With each other. Maybe if we just were happy with each other we would be in a happy life.

But to chase that is to risk our mental health again. Can I risk ever seeing you in as much pain as you were the other day? Time and time again we have both said to each other that we never want to hurt each other. And tbh we are telling the truth. But between our panic attacks, feeling attacked, feeling left it still happens. We both have heard so much pain in each others voices and now I ask is it worth it. Do you believe our happier days are more worth it than the pain. Are the moments you feel comfortable with me something you are willing to go through pain again?

We have always said yes. Thats why we always call for each other. Then it comes down to that feeling in the back of our throats and the top of our chest. Then it comes to me seeing your puffy eyes and tears streaming down and it breaks my heart. Theres not enough rain in this world to hide your hurt and we dont have the solutions to avoid that. We only know we want to get back together but we havent explored oursleves or controlled our emotions enough not to get hurt.

I can honestly say I still get hurt easily and havent learned how to not take things personally, not project insecurities, and not to stop justifying every argument I have. I havent figured it out yet and in turn it adds to the argument, it creates the argument, and it doesnt solve anything. Itll lead to you in pain and me in pain. And now Im back to the me that wanted answers on how we resolve things before we run back to each other. In all honestly Im scared that we run back without solutions and am not accepting that again because of how painful the other night was to hear your voice. And then to see your eyes.

 

We never intend to hurt each other. I love you too much to ever want that. Yet it happened. Yes Im scared again and now I feel like I did all that time ago where I was scared to hurt you. I never meant for any of those words to take its toll on you. That night I never had the intent to break up I wanted you. I swear I wanted to stay with you. 

 

And now... and now im so scared of myself to hurt you again. I never, never, never wnat to see you like that again, Especially if Im the cause. It makes me hate myself so much that the person I love the most can be drained by me like that. hurt. I know to give myself the grace that I never intended that. But there is still a disconnect where things were miscommunicated and I still dont know how to fix that. Im scared.  

Its 1am and raining so much omg. I'm so happy you watched my movie. I'm going to watch it again this weekend. I'm also so happy i got my wallet back! My heart was sad about that when i lost it. I like to think someone read the letter and realized it was important

Im not trying to say I love living a life without you.  I love watching you live life. I love watching you. I love hearing about the things that make you tick. I love feeling your emotions in rain. I love seeing you do things you love. I love watching you eat. I love watching you sleep. 

One thing I picked up this month from victor is knowing my truth. I know what I love and me loving watching you isnt me not wanting to live life with you. Your perspective on how I value my life and feelings are separate from what I know.

Although we are not seeing eye to eye I cant make you feel my feelings. Which unfortunately means you have to protect yourself. But I will keep walking starting today. I will always be sure of how I felt and wont question it. I know what I loved and know its whats right for me. I cherished our moments sleeping next to each other. I cherish your quirky side with me. I cherish how I view you in life. 

Im going to be strong today too. Im going to be strong tomorrow too. Im going to be strong next week, next month, next year, and all my life. I promise I will stand up. And honestly I promise even when you dont think so Ill be here.

 

 I'll be around-elderbrook playing today

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June 28 holy crap I passed out so hard yesterday and Im still so tired. my body is weak and I definitely need water *sips water bottle*

I dont get it. You still called me just to talk to me and take care of me while taking care of yourself? You still switched your mindset to survival mode because you realized you werent going to be safe with me the night before? you had a solid (not wonderful) but solid day to get your footing straight. I think thats why I fell in love with you because you remind me of the strong women I love. You remind me that if I died one day you will be safe. 

Anyways, onto the other thought at hand. I touched on this last night but I can't ever see you like I did yesterday ever again. I can't have a painful cry, have us yell in each others faces, and have us run away from each other like we have been all weekend. Driving up the hill on gun club hearing you saying you dont want to live anymore reminds me the effect I have on people. Both you and aaron, some of the most important people in my life have been driven to a point where their relationship with me has taken so much out of them through their love for me. And after years of growing up with aaron its completely reshaped his life. And now seeing signs of you hurting for so long is scaring me. Its literally haunting and going to ruin my life if I dont get to see you happy. Although aaron and my relationship has begun to mend after 27 years Im not sure if our hearts can continue to take our unresolved arguments and not seeing eye to eye. 

I literally want you in my life forever. I swear that was not the goal of the conversation the other night but when we start talking about what matters to us in this world we go down these rabbit holes and convince each other we arent on the same page. Should we have not talked about those deep things? Should we ignore the things that happen day to day? Do we both care too much that stops us from just enjoying each other? Because clearly we do. Clearly we enjoyed laying in the park, clearly we enjoy dancing together at raves, clearly we enjoy dancing on rooftops to bachata, clearly we enjoy game night with friends, clearly we enjoy studying together, we enjoy taking pictures together. But is it only if we ignore everything else? Is it worth it to ignore everything else.

Heres the thing that always sticks in my head. Hearing that youre tired of this feeling. Tired of not feeling prioritized, loved, valued. And in that not being there for you.

And if I cant be there for you when you really need it. If we cant be there for each other when we need each other. Then what is a relationship?

At that point I just failed. 

I love you and I swear Im so grateful for you. Im still processing everything the other night and will write about it. But I just am so fucking sorry that Im a cancer to loved ones. And Im so sorry for you becoming someone I loved so much and affecting you the way I did. I guess when I said I dont believe in love anymore it wasnt necessarily that it wasnt out there or that it woulndt find us. Its that whatever I love I will end up ruining like I have with us. I am not allowed to love because I am not yet fit to love. I thought I was since january. I thought I had confidence enough to be someone whoo is ready to love boundlessly. But maybe Im back in your mind set. No my mindset from so long ago. im just still not somehthing safe that will love someone else correctly...

Wtf happened yesterday? How could you imagine that breaking up is anything I wanted to do? I felt thay it was something you were suggesting and I was trying to give you the courtesy of not having to do it. I was trying to say Id help you do it so you dont have to feel alone and like you were always having to walk away yourself. I though you just didnt want to take the blame.

I never wanted to break up. I even said when you asked me how I really feel thay inner me was screaming against this. I said I wanted us on the same pass. For you to understand that my love provided for both the things we cared for. Yes thar includes out love together. Moments like we had in the park the other day. I have tickets to surprise you this wednesday I spent fucking 150 dollars on. I freaking had plans for us. I bought to hammocks so we can go back to that park. I literally called yesterday just to talk about something special to me (like I always do) and that was it. I was gonna go back and work right after the call be we had meaningful conversation after that. I even mentioned you coming over to watch that movie but thought youd fall asleep.

My body is so beat up sirting on this rollercoaster. I cant go from highs like we had this last sunday to this. Im so beat up rn from not getting any rest from my food poisoning to 4 hours of sleep last night before a 13 hour shoot that I didnt even get to prepare for because I was so tried last night and passed out. Like i got in trouble exactly a week before for being tired and not preping well after out trip and its happening again. Seriously you think I wanted to break up and go through all that last night?! I never wanted any of that

And then thinking Im not gonna be there for you. No matter how much I have on my plate I run to you. I wanted yo be there for you in your yine of need. I told you last night Im tired of us not being there when we need it. Im tired of me sitting anxious from you and being met with someone mot comofrting. Im tiref of me being far from you when you went through something. That's why I sped over there. If you never understand how much I try to be there youll only see me one way.

And I didnt want to mention my family affairs. It was something bothering me and something I wanted to talk about but it never stopped me from chasing you. Ive been with you so much passed whatever people say and care because I already chose you. I wanted things to work out with you for me and no one else.

It wouldnt matter if it just worked. If we just didnt freaking argue and get scared over tiny shit and just enjoyed more and more life. Then we would be happy together. If we didnt go down this rabbit hole and you feel the need to talk about/think about how we cant be together and we just enjoyed another event wednesday

Then we go to lookout mountain on july 4th

Then we just appreciate each others lives and be happy rather than be mad at me for being busy with work and etc like you said yesterday.

There was always gonna be something about me that bothered you more than you love me and you werent gonna let that happen. You werent just going to let us string all of our happy moments together and just be wrong one time. Be wrong and let us be enjoy those moments together that ended up being some of the best things in that world. 

Sitting in the park was probably the calmest Ive felt in so long. 

Cant believe Im back here hurting alone in the mroning. Why didnt you just come back with me last night....

June 23 Holy cow I slept for 13 hours yesterday. I needed it so badly after I got off the phone with you. My body and mind has been so weak. I hope you watched the movie. I've written to you about it on my finsta. I wrote about it to you here. And I even told you a story about it so you could go to sleep. I think it's a good representation how I feel about you and would love to tell you about it over the phone this time and not just write about it. 

I forgot to mention I had another bad dream the other day. I was texting you, updating where I was. I was on some giant boat watching whales for socheatas birthday lol and I texted you the entire time. Everyone went to jump in and I sat there waiting for a reply. I was antsy and I needed to get back to shore where you were. Our boat then went into some giant hole. Random.

I also saw that the beyond wonderland shooter was on shrooms and shot two people cause he thought the world was ending. Talk about a bad trip. Made me just worried how things can change in an instance (like I always tell you) and made me think how bad of a trip some people can have and send the spiraling mentally. 

Two random things I meant to write about yesterday before I ktfo hahaha. 

Anyways onto everything else thats been on my mind. I love you so much. I love that you are willing to let me go because you love me so much and not because you hate me. I love that you have a heart so pure to dance in the rain because nothing else could matter to you in the moment. Overall consensus, I love you.

I want to live with you in the moment and not let so many of our external factors affect our relationship. Because all of those things escalate issues so much especially when we dont agree. And then if we cant come to accept what the other is trying to say it throws us into chaos. So many times in the past we would argue about things and not realize where the other is coming from. Both of us. Things you would mention where I did not understand until now and things I would mention that you did not understand til now. And back then we put our foot down so hard on things that made us separate where our feelings have changed about it so much. All Im saying is I need us to decide do you want to be with me. Despite everything else do you want to stay by me. I've been hanging on through so much (just like you have). And I need to know if you wont let go. 

Im starting to get to a place of peace again. I want to see you as someone who loves me, as someone who wont let go, as someone who will hear me and see me for who I am.

When I talk about myself explaining things from the bottom of my heart and its written off as "no thats not really you". Its like you tell me what my intentions and passions are. Basing it off of your past experiences and what others tell you. Trust me when I say Ive taken so much time to know what makes me, me. What makes me happy. What makes my world spin. You've seen how much time Ive taken these last couple years to really know myself. And Hnin. I really do feel like Im starting to know myself. Wow that feels amazing to say but Ive become so sure of myself over the years. 

I want you to hear me for who I am instead of telling me please. 

this is just part one. I have more to say later! a bit unorganized but I finally had some rest and feel better. 

June 21 I really care about you. I really care to ask why you feel some way.  I care to know what you love, why you love it, and what it makes you feel. I care about that deeper raw side of you. And dont you let your mind start drifting to say Im simply like that with everyone. You are someone I hold so special compared to everyone in this world whether we fight 24/7 or not. When I got home the other day aaron and ali heard me begging that I just want things to work out with you. Like how I want us to be on the same page and hear each other yet there is this wall we kept running into. Especially on the phone and on that morning. It hurts. But also I think back to the other night when I came home. Aaron came in to check on me and I said I had a good weekend. Some things here and there happened but I was happy to spend it with someone important. And without him asking I finally got someone to understand why you were so important to me. I know most people dont get it, and maybe I dont always articulate it the best. But I said that this girl truly feels so much emotion for me. Not in just the I love you sense, but the empathetic raw sense of who I am. When I talked about my parents to see you feel so much for me and cry. When you sat on the roof for me and talked from the bottom of the heart that you just want everything I deserve in life for me. Like you truly feel so much for me past our hard days. Like what I have with you where we just want to best for each other is just shown so well between us. And thats why i feel so connected to you. Thats why I care. I know there are moments we are scared and have distrust, but I do truly feel past our arguments you truly want the best for me and for us. Thats my comfort in you. And its not that you always have the best way of leading me through conversations when I try to learn about myself. But theres a part of me that just talks so clearly with you that allows me to realize a lot. Idk why that happens because sometimes you are just there when I ramble but I think its because of the outcome I want with us so badly that I force myself to figure it out. 

Whoops rambled again, but Im so thankful for you. Things are hard but Im so thankful for every part of my life you touch no matter how big or small. How often or how little. Thank you for being you. 

June 20 Yesterday was a long day and I did not bring my computer home to write during my free time but here is what I had on my phone -- I'm so happy we got to spend time together. All I wanna do is spend time with you as much as I can without running myself to the ground. There were, of course, speed bumps but like I always say Im happy with you. I know it seems like Im not as full of energy and running around with you but weekends without you are tough. Life without you is tough. And this weekend we both happen to be very low energy but it didnt mean we didnt want to be around each other. I felt so pressured to heighten my energy when you said it didnt seem like I wanted to be around you but it just happen to be a long week and weekend. I felt as if I was understanding that you were tired and that it did not reflect on your want to be with me. You were just tired. I totally understand that and dont want you to overextend yourself. I was just happy to be with you. I hope you get that. Ive always been so concerned that you may not like the things I do, the way I do them. But I hope you know I am always trying my best. I am always happy to be with you. And that I love you. 

I hope that this isnt always a watching game to see how well Ill do or see how much I care. I hope it can just be accepted that I do. Even with the chair at the coffee shop. Perception is skewed based on things in the moment, but Im always trying to take care of you in terms of the table. All that was needed was to adjust the chair and I felt like you had already done it. Im just there to watch and make sure youre careful at that point. I just am getting tired of you not believing that I care so much for you. But maybe my actions just dont show it to you. Maybe Im not comforting enough for you. Maybe you just wont ever feel it from me if you dont want to see it.

Idk Im just so happy that you chose to come with me. Im happy we didnt push to talk about a lot. Im so happy we just got to be next to each other and in the now. I know that cant be forever because there are big things you and I want to say (which are totally important and justified) but Im happy. All our moments we get Im happy. 

June 17 Literally all motivation to do anything is gone right now.  Im so lost and so concern with everything right now. And I know we can both try to act like nothing happened this morning but its just going to be mixed into our thoughts. Its honestly killing me now and Im so freakin anxious. Moments like this makes me wish I didnt bring it up so we could have just had a good day. So that we could have gone into illenium without this on our mind and now its all Im thinking about. Maybe both of us are thinking about. im all over the place and really dont want to do. I dont want to be under any influence and its gonna break my fucking heart if Im not happy with you tonight and enjoying the show. I came home really happy about life last night and excited to enjoy the show. Now Im starting to feel empty inside again and so fucking scared.ugh this is a freaking mess of a post and mind state right now and I dont know where to go. 

June 16 This feelings really familiar. However this time Im really shaky being transparent. Im so anxious telling you how I really feel because Im worried about it seeming like insecurities, or not being heard where Im coming from, or just that you may care enough at this point to know. But if you are going to be honest and straightforward with me. I want to do the same. If we want to really overcome the things that we dont feel well about I want us to both be honest what we need from each other. Like I shouldnt feel this way being honest about my feelings and you shouldnt either. I hope we both hear each other this time through and that we both cater to each other if we really want to be together. Not just what Im bringing up but especially all the things youve asked of me. If Im going to be in your life I need to you meet me half way and change some of the things that trigger me as well so that we can find comfort in each other. 

June 15 I think I mentioned this the other night coming back from the nuggets game. But I was curious if you think at me at the end of the nights. Want to call. Want to talk. I was wondering if it was just me that always never wants to leave someone on read, call to talk about things im excited about and because thats who I would think of at the end of a night out. I think I mentioned this the other night but maybe not. But it was on my mind.

Anyways another thing into my mind is how I like my relationship to feel. 48:50 minutes into across the spiderverse. the music, the catching up on life, the seeing each other grown up, then the comfort at 53:30 and finally the shoulder touch at 53:40. It makes me happy. Thats how I want to feel in a relationship. Yeah. Just random, but movies make me happy. that makes me happy :)

I have my resolve with all this and I wont turn back on it. Since you are putting your foot down with things I want to do things for my comfort. The reason we both are hesitant with each other are because we arent comfortable and I want to vocalize what Im comfortable with too. And if you want to hear it and reach me half way to make a life change lets do it. And if you dont then we know where to go from there out. 

Holy shit it happened again.  same dream as last time made my heart fall into my stomach and now Im sitting her up at 4:07 am. do i have a space to call you? do I make things worse again. why am I always in this same spot of anxiety? its cause things didnt change on both sides and why we have these moments. I heart, my head, my body. this isnt okay but my triggers Im scared wouldnt be heard.wowowow

June 14 Im very excited for this weekend and am going to try my best to make it everything we talk about! wanna make it an effort just to enjoy with each out :) soooo lets run with it! i dont really get where we are both at with this but i dont want to think about it right now. theres so much on my mind and i dont want this to be another thing thats heavy. also this is us lol

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June 13 I cant believe how emotional I was for the nuggets win I was yesterday. and all my friends too. its so cool to care about things so much that it makes you feel that way. I was talking to my coworker today and told him and her I felt heavy but yesterdays win made things so much better. and overall its been an incredible year with so many things happening. tbh it may be one of the best years of my life. really! . kevins nephew said to me during the last nuggets loss that not everything can be good. becuase without the bad there isnt anything to look forward to. It all becomes mundane. I dont complain cause I hate life. I dont complain because Im just a sorrowful bundle of sadness. I dont even look at it as complaining. I state how im truly feeling in the moment because there are instances in life that are just better. where im not hurt, where im not tired, where things fall in place. and enjoying those moments rather than pretending some things are okay when theyre not is what i dont see wrong in doing. Im not some negative guy. I think im extremely optimistic, sponaneous, happy, grateful, etc. I cant let your idea of me/ perspective define how I feel about myself. theres one thing about opinion and theres another thing about trying to state someones character. and Ive grown too far to know who I am not based on how others see me. I guess words mean a lot coming from important people. But also my words mean more because I know who I am and trust who I am :)

Hey Im anxious a bit this morning or I guess I have been since you came back from vegas lol The reason for me being anxious this morning is looking at my calendar and realizing how much time is passing by and thinking of which weekends we can do things. I'm scared with all my prior commitments that youll think I dont want to be around you. Im scared Im losing my opportunity to make this work. The best time to be together is during the weekdays but Im not sure if we are at a place where you feel comfortable being around me everyday. I mean last week we were focused on oursleves and now this weekend all I can think of is you after your return from vegas. lowkey im freaking out. Im not sure if you feel the pressure like me but I just place so much value on making all of this work that its feeling like the end of the world when I dont see things falling in to place. I wish we took things for face value when we spend our time together but there is so many other things attatched to it from what I feel. 

Am I adding more onto it than I need to? Do you get concered about all this too or are you okay with us just enjoying our downtime? Can we just book a hotel and run away together for a weekend? should I just sell my illenium ticket and we take an impromtu trip this weekend? lol 

im running into a meeting but im freaking out right now a bit LOLOL

June 12 Good morning. I've been writing to you all weekend, but am second guessing a lot of what I can write to you. Or rather what I should write to you. After hearing on the phone Friday night that everything on here is just words and non of it matters to you because of my character and actions it made me second guess if to you there is any point. There's days where I feel like these letters help us so much and you really love em and then there's days where I hear that its just words or that it feels like just ways to convince you that I care without anything else. 

I wanted to refrain from writing because this weekend I've been trying to process everything we talked about and even after the fact I still feel the wave of emotions from sitting right next to each other. Where my heart melts, where the goosebumps rise, where the hugs are needed. Overall, the last thing you asked me on the phone last night was how we can make you trust me again before my phone died. Then we got back on all soft and lovey dubby. 

I still feel really strongly about what I said in March? Where if we come back to each other we really have to come back with no doubts. No transition periods, no testing each other phase, none of that. We come back allowing another set of really trusting each other. Whether thats now or after we healed the only time I think we can come back together successfully is diving back into it. On the other hand for me thats also being able to know that we wont run away from each other. When we argue we hold on tighter than ever. That kind of thing allows us to understand that neither of us are casted aside. And then understanding how to speak and react to each other. If the other person asks of it then we try our best to do it instead of justifying.

Okay, okay let me rearticulate everything up there one more time. 

For this to work we have to provide safety for each other. We cannot ever tease the idea of leaving each other under any circumstance because that'll trigger both of our abandonment and idea of everyone being temporary. When things get tough we hold on tighter than ever. That way we never get concerned of awh I'm hurt/hurt someone I need to get away.  The mindset then changes to how can we fix this. What can we do better. Then in terms of what we can do better is actually showing that we hear each other. We both hear the actions that we want changed and we both don't try to justify things. If someone is hurt hear them out being hurt.

 

I'm right there with you. I'm scared as hell of being hurt. This weekend, my heart was honestly really weak and concerned for my personal well being from the way you perceive me and the way you articulate it. But I keep calling I keep trying to see you because despite my hurt heart I love you so damn much. And I know you do the same. I'm not sure if we need more time to heal, if we need to talk more, or do a damn house roll but I know there is so much more room for us to grow.

It's weather or not our hearts can continue on this rollercoaster to get where we want to go.

Side note I also feel like there's things I really wanted you to understand this weekend that may have not gotten through.I have a running list of things that I felt is unresolved because this isnt the place to talk about them. This is more of a mindset area. An area that isnt too heavy. 

Here's this even though its just words. I love you so much. No matter what we go through, no matter what we may assume/think, I love you. I want to support and be there for you in ways no one else can be. I want to actually hear how you are doing. I want to be intimate and make love to you. I want you to understand you are different than everyone else and need to stop comparing yourself to anyone else in my life. 

There's concerns you have holding you back and there are some in my head too. I pray that we can figure out a way to move past those for us. 

Have a good day Hnin

June 9 Let's piggyback off of yesterday. It's so awesome to see us stay strong with the things important to our overall well being. Like it takes me back to when I asked if we could study together in may and for you to help me get on top of my shit, And now we are both waking up early to work out. Like so dope. I'm spending this entire weekend wrapping up my last project. I have some weddings to carry me through the summer (for the soul) but overall nothing new and now to start a new path of work. Something that means something.

An old friend visited me at work and we talked about life and he has always been a sweet encouraging guy. He's been through a lot but has always seen the world in me and it gave me an extra boost of encouragement as I helped him with his work. Idk Like I said Im just proud of us. I guess Im right there with you not sure where youre at, where Im at, where we will go. But I can say im proud of us, i love you, and I know you love me. Thats the bare minimum I can ask of two people like us. I just wanted us to always remind ourselves that when we were gonna say mean stuff to each other. 

To wrap up, Im excited because my family from houston, dallas, and LA are visiting. Victors birthday dinner is this weekend so Im excited for that. I hate maccs boyfriend, Im pretty sure he is cheating on her, but shes not allowed to call, text, or hang out with me 1 on 1 so its hard on me losing a friend even though I know its not her. mmmmm also I really love that my borther lives with me. he got into a situation the other day but instead of an I told you so I wanted to take him to dinner. I rememebr seeing someone post about how her and her boyfriend had a bad day so the did an impromptu dinner. And i wanted to be like that with you and the people i care for so I hope im better at lifting my brother up. The reason I wanted to do the itold you so route oncewas because I warned him about speeding and he yelled at me. but that doesnt help austin. anyways im excited to finally get this project done after about a year so Im going to tune into that for the next 10 hours LOL

June 8 Hearing about your new job makes me happy. Hearing about you working out and meal prepping makes me happy. Talking about volleyball, my Nuggets, and movies to you makes me happy. Us being happy makes me happy. I would love to sit on the phone and talk to you but Im so happy that you are rested for your retreat and so that you can continue to stay on top of your goals/habits. I think before we were so pressed on trying to please each other that we spreaded ourselves so thin. I was so worried about my actions making it seem like I didnt value our time together or love you that I threw myself into a hole solely because I wanted whatever I thought would make you happy. I miss you everyday, but my heart jumps every time I see you and see how rejuvenated you are. Lots still running through my mind, but nothing thatll kill me. Im honestly really proud of us. 

I need to read your message again I wanna just lay in your arms in nature and forget everything. Phones off, jobs quit, and away. Then we never have to talk about anything. We never have to think about things. We are just there. I keep thinking about the day we laid in the park. That has to be one of my most favorite days. It felt so free and happy. Last night was the sexiest night, but I can feel how much we missed each other and how there was something on the back of our minds. But man what a dream both were. I am actually really happy I got to be in your bed with you even though your dad could here us FML that had me so stressed omg. But after this crazy day I need to go home and tune and and focus up real quick. So much has been happening and need to give time to know what I need answered and what I need to ask. Cause I think we are both all over right now with the rush of seeing each other. Like seeing you was so out of the blue the other day and just makes me miss you even more every time I do. Your smell. your touch. your voice. ugh I missed it all.

June 7 Im glad we didnt talk yesterday. Laying in your arms is all I ever want. I was a little nervous being in your house but it was like a fantasy. I even woke up thinking about it again. I wish you knew I was never trying to leave. I wish you knew from the beginning the type of person I was when everything came crashing down. I dont want to talk to much today, but I do want to say last night was amazing and I missed us being in each others arm even for just a little bit. 

June 6 Good way to wake up and good way to go to sleep. Last nights dream was a little nerve wracking and tbh it wasnt the first time having that dream. But our of all the tik toks the one this morning really hits and has always been how I felt. I dont know a lot of things in life but time and time again I have been assured the we have this space for each other. That we care and love for each other. And that we do seek comfort in each other. Im starting to get a bit confused on how you are comfortable with me interacting with you if I see you in public or just when we interact at all. But I guess all I can keep doing is interacting the way I truly feel. Moving based on my emotions. My truth is my truth. Because if I kept reacting then we would forever be in this limbo. Regardless the days you say you hate me, regardless if you are going to ignore me in public, regardless if you need to take care of yourself I want to always give that warmth. Im tired of trying to protect myself and being cold when what we need is warmth. I guess thats why I told my friends Id always reply even if I dont get a response that I would always run for a hug and settle for a smile if you didnt want to interact with me. I do get scared of being pushed to the side and this being one way. But Im not scared to express myself because now I will always know I did. And thats where I can say I was truly content with my love I had with you regardless of what happens in life. <3

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June 5 Stuff like last night is hard.  Having to go home away from you is hard. The reason I sat their silently at first was me just wanting to take it in. Feel you in my arms, smell the side of your head. And just listen to you breath. Like I said if nothing in this world mattered Id like to just sit in that car forever. We did one time actually after my accident in the lexus lol. 

Anyways the second I think you need me I run to you everytime. And now Im starting to think you called me more so because I wanted to see you. You seemed to be doing just alright mentally which is what Id want. It didnt seem like anything was going on too much with you mentally where I just want you to be good. 

My head hurts today and maybe its not drinking enough water LOL but just like every other day I have you running on my mind. I'll take every moment I get with you and you know it. You see Ill always reply, Ill always run, Ill always look for you at a show. Youve seen me do all this over and over again and I just hope I keep doing it in a healthy way for both of us. 

And I hope it didnt cause some inner turmoil on you to see me last night and check in on me. I hope you are doing well mentally with some clarity. Always thankful to see you and here your laugh. Have a good week. 

June 4 Oh no, no, no. Fell into a little hole this week and I can't let myself sit in that. I really need to take a step back and get on track tonight. It just seems like you never miss a beat in your life and I am not quite sure why I do so often. Maybe it's time for me to shift more energy. I was talking to phanath and katie late last night about some ideas of love regarding a book I was reading. Specifically the power pull of love. And its got to be one of the most toxic things I've read in the sense that lovers always tries to test and measure the love between the male and female. I told them that I absolutely hate it. I told them that isn't the type of love that I want which is why I always reply even if you dont, which is why I write even if I dont hear anything, which is why I always welcome you with open arms even if its when youve moved on in the past. Its who I am. Its the love I want to provide. And I guess a part of me is dying that someone would ever love me in the same way or extent I did. I was so harsh on myself for the the errors in my love but never set boundaries on things for my end. I just always wanted to hang on. I always wanted to tell you I love you everyday. I always wanted to let you know Id be there forever. I always am a person that loves, cares, and values you as the best kind of human to the highest extent. I really grew in this relationship. And the part that I wanted to highlight was to say that I was no longer scared of whether or not I looked like a fool if I was sure if I loved someone. I wasnt interested in fighting to see who has a stronger pull in the relationship and who would end up being safe at the end. For the first time at the end of a relationship I wasnt just protecting myself and simply trying to heal. For the first time I wore my heart on my sleeve until it drove me into the groud so I could let someone know I love her and that she is an incredible soul. But thats me. Words. Id never say I hate you because I couldnt lie to you about that. If I were to die tomorrow I wouldnt regret that I expressed my love to you the fullest. Thats why words are so damn important in an age where social media makes people feel like they have enough to just assume. 

Glad youre smiling. 

June 3 This is my third time writing today because my mind/emotion have been all over but found a place that Im comfortable with now. Just got home from a wedding and where you popped up today was watching victor be the officiant it just made me think of you and I figuring it out one day. The story we would have, The people that knew what we fought through. Our friends in the crowd and walking down with you hand in hand all night. 

A lot of feelings hit at once today and I dont know if its everything crashing at once. Or if its me coming to some realizations. Or just feeling one sided in all of this. But it was pretty tough. However, in light of all that, this is what I felt. I guess this is one of those moments of the meme below, but I hope youre smiling this weekend. Im not really sure where you want me in your life anymore... If at all. And I'm not sure if I can keep doing this to myself and waiting to reply to any trace of you I get. All I do is think of you and talk about you. And I'm starting to just feel alone in all this. And I guess that gonna break me piece by piece.

I literally just want to experience life with you outside of all the distractions. Im tired of every other portion of life at the moment and wish we could be around each other to pursue that. But thats just my truth and not yours.

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Some music today I felt weirdly heavy today. Like really heavy today. Im not sure if Im okay but Im walking and I didnt stop. So theres that. I didnt just drop and give up. Heavy heart but not a frozen body. Something comforting-porter robinson for today <3 its that concert that meant a lot to me. If you come by this is something in my ear and something that gets me through the day. Miss you a lot today. 

June 2 All of my coworkers are quitting and one walked out today lol what is my life. I did not want to deal with this on top of everything right now. If I end up leaving this job I will definitely be disappearing for a while. I told my mom at this point I'm not feeling anything anymore because of such a wide range of emotions lately. I guess I starting to feel a bit empty. Like I just dont care anymore LOL idk. I also think I have a fair balance of highs and lows right now. IDK. 

I guess I just wanted to vent to you today about life lol.

Im just tired right now and would love just comfort. 

My boss from college died :( Cancer. I saw him mentioned it on twitter a little bit ago and he happen to pass on today. His last post was saying that life is chaotic and to be kind to each other. He had two young kids, married his long time girl friend, and was working his dream job. He was actually the first person to give me a job in videography. Made me realize I could get paid for it and essentially put me in a network of incredible individuals that pushed me. Then in our final he was a guest judge and came up to the three of us to let us know how proud he was of us and how happy he was to call us his students. He loved how we aimed for more even though we all had over 100% in our classes. 

The last time I saw him he was with his kids after the zoo. That's the last time I saw him while I was in accounting. Life is short. Life is not fair. Life is unpredictable. Life is life. But man I am thankful for him offering me that job and throwing me on the path I am on today. 

June 1 The rain just doesnt stop does it? Played yesterday in the rain. It started to rain and everyone scattered, and I said "stay it feels nice" and we had probably one of my favorite games this season. Maybe because I thought of the rain and you together. And even the day I danced in the rain with friends was one of the best moments of my life. Rain can be bad and it can be good. Guess its context and outlook and then I drove in the rain with some meditation music and its crazy how our rainy days just make me think of you from now on. I wonder if you have that effect on so many other people? I wonder if I have that effect on you?

Anyways very busy week so I'll catch you later tonight :)

Things I took time to realize I am grateful for

I'm grateful for my job where I can learn so much and further my career opportunities

Im grateful for my clients

I'm grateful for my family always supporting me in so many aspects of my life

I'm grateful for phone calls with my mom

I'm grateful for living with my brother

I'm grateful for seeing so many beautiful places in life

I'm grateful to have friends that care so much about me they start crying when talking about my happiness

I'm grateful for tayto always welcoming me with such happiness

I'm grateful for my house that I live in 

I'm grateful for always wanting to learn so much so that I can apply it in life

I'm grateful for being able to talk to people from a human perspective

I'm grateful I can love and see the good in tough situations

I'm grateful I get to play sports once a week

I'm grateful for all the good foods in my tummy

I'm grateful for being financially secure

I'm grateful that that the Nuggets are in the finals

I'm grateful for the weddings I have booked

I'm grateful for music

I'm grateful for anime

I'm grateful for yoga at lunch

I'm grateful for my past and present feelings/experiences with you. 

I'm grateful that I still have a place to talk to you here and there.

I'm grateful for being able to freely love, express, and articulate my feelings about you on a daily basis.

I'm grateful for you. 

Elderbrook- Ill be around

Moments I thought of you this weekend sitting underneath the stars while everyone was asleep, eating a new ramen thinking about how much you'd like it, seeing two random thai places knowing you'd like to try them, my friends grabbed mangos and made me think about how I got your mangos and papayas mixed up, when I did yoga both mornings, when I watched magic school bus curious if you had watched it before, when I went to sleep friday evening, and lots of other moments but these are the ones off the top of my head.  I guess a lot of moments make me think of you like I mentioned below. 

I always hope to see you in the best light with the glass half full. And maybe thats what I hope for when someone loves me. To notice my intentions, love, and care in the best light. Seeing life with me in a way that isnt fearful. Because then it doesnt make me fear myself. I dont fear life with you. I dont think of you as sadness. Theres so many opportunities for me to feel just as scared as you but that isnt the answer for someone that wants to hang onto another. Another day just sitting here on this hill alone. I always imagine this metephorically like a video of my favorite videographer where one day you march up this hill with me and sit right next to me. When it clicks how much someone truly feels for you. 

May 30 I cant wait to be home. I guess its still hard for me to travel because I still think of you. Its hard for me to do anything I really enjoy without thinking about you. Whether you believe me or not things in my life are better experienced with you. And the only way I want to tackle that in the future if even possible is to do things just with you. Go to shows, go to places, lay in bed with you, and talk with you. I wanted to go to nghtmre just with you. I wanted to go to the vangogh art with just you and spend the evening with just you. D&b after sushi with just you. I want to go in the campervan with just you. Every time i say lets run away together I wanted to live with just you for a moment so that we can experience things that way. 

Maybe you and are in different places. Maybe you and are feel differently. Maybe you just see our past and myself differently now. 

I find my comfort in you. I find life in you. I. love. you. Friday I just wanted to call and fall asleep to your voice the first night on my trip lol. I dont want this to make you feel sad. I still really appreciate life and am enjoying it step by step. But I still think of you and care about a life with you more. 

Once again this is my truth. My feelings. Whether or not it's believed. But its real. Love you. 

I cant stop thinking and talking about you I dont know what to do. You still consume so much of my life and my mind. I cant do anything without thinking about you and seeing you everywhere.

May 29 I wanted to call you so bad for your comfort last night :( It honestly pains me that we are holding ourselves from contacting each other (where we feel comfortable) because we are trying to move on and not return to our old selves. Like clearly thats where our body and mind yearns for comfort but we keep running to past memories that hold us from doing so. The other night was such a tough talk because those instances at shows were in the past and nothing like now. Before the end of audien I was actually so happy walking out because it was a night of just dancing and also a night where we had good interaction. Outside of the car incident I thought the night was a good step forward. Not perfect but I was excited to see you I was trying to bring you around friends like mai and vanessa. I just really think that if we base memories in fear of bad situations only then we will never get the chance to experience happiness together. Fear is what takes away from freedom an opportunities. Its a potion of your brain focused on protecting yourself from somethings that is not always there. Its like swimming in deep water vs shallow. Both are swimming but the other one is scary from unkowns and preconceived fears. 

Anyways I hope you had a good night the other night. Love seeing you with our friends. I miss you a lot and really wanted to call you for comfort yesterday. I really wish you would go on the campervan trip with me. I really wish you just took a cabin trip with me. I really wish we just went somewhere for a day. Its like we completely switched roles from a year ago. And Im trying to be so understanding of your mindset because I get where you are. Its where I was. I just wish you kept close to me like this when I was going through what you were now. I just dont want to go far away from you, I want you to know Im always around and wish you were right here everyday. 

May 28 I have a lot to say so Ill spread it out over the next couple days but to start. I feel a lot better knowing this placed helped you in your time of need. Even though you coudlnt call me but you found comfort here is all I need to know to write. I was scared this place would cause you pain, discomfort, confusion, but when you needed to reach somewhere Im glad it was here. I know you wont turn here forever for comfort but for how ever long you do I hope it provides it. I dont want any of this to make you hate me. I just want you to find something that makes you feel connected it close  to another in this world. So, whenever you see this, hi. Have a wonderful day. 

May 27 Hi Hnin :) let me write this with the assumption that you are here. Better yet, that you are here after the concert. Todays post is to reiterate the ending of our phone call and essentially something I wanted to leave here for you. The tears at the end of our phone call today was not tears of pain. It was tears of love. Tears to convey how much my heart feels for you. Tears to in the sense that I want to remind you in every way possible that you, Hnin, are so loved. You are so strong. You are different than everyone you have ever met and will ever meet. You can do anything you put your mind too even I days where you stumble. I want to encourage you to always keep walking forward. There's days you will walk slower, there are days you will stumble, and there days you will sprint past everything. But I want you to remember you are always improving, growing, and learning. That has always been one of your strongest skills is that you  don't stop. Always be comfortable with your speed and where you are in life because comparison is the thief of joy and in the eyes of someone that loves you, me, you are doing incredible. For all the people that don't articulate it enough to you, I'm proud of you. 

I love you and I will always be here. Whether I'm next to you holding you, whether I'm writing to you from far away, or even days I am no where in sight, I hope you can feel all of the warmth from the energy I send your way. I want you to feel all the warmth I want to surround you with.

I have so much more to say after hearing your voice today and the series of events that unfolded today. But let's leave it here.

-Austin <3

May 26 Suns out today with sprinkles here and there. Its how I feel right now but so much is blooming. Makes me think about how beautiful your tree is and how mine are starting to grow. It was a long emotional week but I made some big changes. Wrapping a lot of things up, addressed work drama, spent time with my family. It was long but we are here. Thinking of you a the rain drops fall down my window. 

Today something came across my mind in terms of how big this universe is and not just the world. Im not sure if I ever talked about it with you. But we are such small parts of just a speck of dust in this universe its crazy. And whats crazier is how much we feel for each other while everything in this universe continues. It's weird cause I feel like the absence of you in my life was world ending. But the thing is youre still there. We still live in each others thoughts and soul. And you are healthy and moving through life. Im so thankful you are here on this earth. Im so thankful you are healthy (minus your gas problem and our brain spasms). But I am so glad we will have a chance to see each other. 

I imagine seing you in a club, lights passing by your face, everything around us keeps moving, but we can no longer hear anything. Maybe our eyes lock. Maybe they dont. But I imagine it a lot. 

Also I need to check on you because of something superstitious that happened at work. lol its random but hope it was a wonderful week. 

Its been raining a lot. I did yoga during lunch today in the sun. wow. also I read you book. not religiously like a habit, but when it feels right. rainy days, breeze coming in, when I just have a moment. you know what part of the book I like the most? The home section. thats the part that draws me. maybe you got this book for me to go through the "losing" section. but I often fight that part of the book :)

"today i wake up

with happiness in my veins

tomorrow i may not feel the same 

but I'm going to feel this for today"

^^ some days its hard,

some days fly by,

but no days are easy.

I'm here to feel every piece of gratitude, sadness, happiness, loss, love, 

and everything in between

because these feelings about you are what makes me, me

I love & miss you hnin

"there is beauty in the way she holds herself that makes me hope she never allows another unworthy soul to hold her instead"

^^she's perfectly imperfect. so good at being like no one else because she is her. one of a kind. a soul like no other and I hope she never comes across someone that doesn't appreciate the uniqueness of her soul.

vv I hope she doesnt allow someone else into her life that doesnt understand the uniqueness of her soul like I do. the way her voice changes when she makes impressions, the way she dances when no one is looking, the way she sleeps after a long day, the way she is when shes drunk and happy recording her, the way wants to be held, the way she loves to try new things, the way she loves to share her stories form the past, the way she stares out at sunsets, the way she is. I notice every tiny detail about her and hope that shes never with someone that doesnt care less than that. 

{i notice the way your fingers move

it's perfection"

just somepoems that caught my eye and my response/poem to them

May 25 Im gonna do it! I was reading our messages this morning and I realized I heard about your trip but never got an overall "how was it?" in. We were so caught up on talking about the videos I never got to know if you really loved your trip. Anyways I bring that up because you inspire me. I've never taken a solo trip too and one time when times were tough ona asked me what I always wanted to do and it was a road trip along the coast. Campervan style :) so Im scratching the out of country trip since Im a little nervous and Im looking at campervans right now to drive from san francisco to seattle. A bed in the back so I can open the doors and sleep to the sunset over the ocean. IM GONNA DO IT! And when everything is booked and planned out Im gonna tell you about it. But not until then. Not until I actually commit. I want to force myself to do it before you can be excited with me. I always wanted to do this.

It's funny because both of these trips we probably imagined with each other and now its a form of healing/chasing our dreams. Of course Id still rather have you on this trip with me but I know I have to respect your boundaries. But at least we get to think of each other while being secluded. By then itll be 5 months. The home stretch. Hope I can do it. Also you popped up in my dream last night! I cant remember the feelings or anything.  But you were there some how :)

May 24 Hey you! So heres a video of tayto and my mom last night! After I heard how rough of a day she had and where she was mentally we thought itd be nice to go bring tayto. Its funny how many family bonds with her. We arent the best together but we all just sit and watch tayto run around. My mom likes to run up and down the stairs with her and my dad just laughs at her. Its funny, my family hasnt always been my ideal family. we have really tough moments and there are a lot of barriers between all of us. We've always been small and secluded but we love each other. I love my dad, my mom, my brother. But dont get me wrong its really hard. But it makes me think of the philisophical point from everything everywhre all at once. Nhilism. Nothing matters and we dont need anything. But at the same time all of it matters so much to us and its what makes this special. The tough times, the happy times, and everything in between. I guess thats why Im so grateful for us and everything we are. I know its hard but its us and Ill always love it because of how special it is. Yeah. It matters becuase nothing matters and we choose to find comfort in each other when you dont have to choose it at all. Its funny how many shoes and movies I like that pertain to that philisophical point. I guess thats this page. You may never read this, it may be too late, none of these may mean anything to you or anyone else. But if you want it to, because I want it to. Everything here means the world to me.

And side notes to end it on YOUR FIRST WEEK. I wonder how its going?! Lots of new stuff to learn? Do you like your coworkers? What area is it in? Did you have a fun orientation? Are you getting enough rest? Ugh I hope its a good week for you. I hope you get to ease into it but hit the ground running with everything you love there!

And last thing was me telling aaron about you and your rats and how I  as thinking the other day about your "s" bank comment. There was something else the other day that popped in your head that made me laugh in the grocery store when I was walking alone. But I often smile or start to LOL thinking about you sometimes. It feels nice. 

My mom cried at work today My mom had a rough day today and I walked her through it and reminded her that she is human and when we reflect on ourselves that we should not shame/be disappointed in ourselves.  And my coworker and I were talking about work and the frustration that not that things were wrong but that steps werent going to be to fix it because they are such simple straight forward steps that we can definitely do. I guess both of those made me think about how when we reflect on things to make things work it shouldnt be done with shame or disappointment but understanding we are human and with forgiveness towards ourselves and each other. And also setting aside egos and shame.  Like theres bound to be things that dont work but if we really want it to we can. If we really want to hold on we can. Its just shifting our mind. Its shifting our thoughts and feelings. Like bottomline I want to be with you and it isnt tied to anything else in my life anymore. And also I know Im not perfect and theres always going to be a better version of me but Ive forgiven myself for. not being perfect but gracing myself with trying my best. And same goes for you in the sense of shes trying her best. She loves me and thats all taht matters. As long as she can always express that thats all that matters. but when things come crashing down and things start to be question I guess thats where the ill intent comes out. idk just two more moments you came up today. 

also on the bright side my mom was really thankful I called and was really proud of my perspective and emapthy and understading. I was pretty happy because it made me think that I have come a long way and that some of the things I say make sense and do help someone. especially important people around me. I hope I was like that with you. I hope I helped you work through some of your rough days. I hope I helped you think stuff through, encouraged you, loved you. I hope  that I made a postive impact on your life. I hope you know i always loved you.

I was scared that I didnt. But I do know now that I was trying my best and always will. I hope I reminded you enough that I love you. 

May 23 I shouldnt be sad. Whats there to be sad about? I experienced you so fully. So deeply. I still hold a connection with you like no one else ever has. I have so many intimate memories with you and we came out of this running toward so many new things in our chapter s of life. There were hard moments and it didnt turn out exactly how either of us wanted but life will be sad if we only associate success and happiness with our exact expectations of life. My heart is full knowing you. My heart is full having any trace of you in my life. I. Am. Grateful. If there is one thing I would like to change is to ignore the expectations that we placed on each other. Instead be happy for having each other in our lives. Not expecting you to be a certain way, respond in a certain way, be a certain way. Because when its against our expectations we start to question the love for each other. I wish I was just more accepting for what we both are. Human. And how we both felt for each other. Love. I think if we took of the comparisons and expectations in our relationship and was just so grateful and excited to have someone who touched our souls the way we did. Its fine. I love you so deeply that everything should have been appreciated as your raw selves. Thats why we always came back. It eases my heart thinking that way. I miss you, I want you, and I love you. I'd rather you be in my life everyday but I will always be grateful for every small interaction and glimpse I get of you. Forever. Ill always tell you that from the bottom of my heart with honesty. Smiling today while loving and missing you. 

You were on my mind a lot today Not sure why today out of everyday but this is my 4th time writing lol. This feels like a very special year and we've always joked that 2016 was the best year ever but theres something special about this year. And I really associated with the things going on in our lives and my mental state. I just really, really want you to be apart of it. Maybe its the high from the nuggets winning (which ive been waiting for all my life) but Im really struggling to not be part of your life. I want to call you and ask to be by you everyday but Im trying my hardest to respect your boundaries. But would you really hate it if I came and sat outside your house waiting for you to come out (i wonder if you know that movie scene with a boombox lol). But overall I just wonder if I came to grab you and kiss you again. If I called you again. If any of that matters. You just seem like someone who wants another to try harder the louder your silence and distance is. At least from my time with you and knowing you. But thats not healthy to think and to act on. I have to respect what you ask of me. I have to let you articulate honestly whether if you want me in your life or not. I cannot function on the assumption that you always want me to come running. But I just want to run to you 24/7. I want to call you and here your voice. I want to find any reason to call you to celerbate more life. But I have to be content with even getting the last two texts conversations from you. I have to be happy with what I get from you. I cant keep hoping for anymore and be sad if I dont got it. Just be happy and grateful for anything I get with you. 

We are just so similar yet at the same time we are just the tiniest bit different in minuute details. Just something before I go to sleep :)

Im on my couch Just watching basketball and editing tonight playing a ton of catch up and cant help but think that this month was suppose to be the month where we worked a ton. I remember calling you to ask you if I could join your study sessions so I could get a ton done and now Im behind. I just wanted to work with you, chase our goals, and spend time together. Im sitting on the couch watching basketball with you and wish I could be with you while also enjoying something so much. Lay on the couch with you in my arms. Ive been watching the game with friends and you wouldve loved it so much this season because of how exciting it was. *sigh* I just cant help but think about all of these things all the time... gonna read after the game and do yoga too. I just wanna live a healthy life with you and now we arent even going to allow the option. Well I guess we are in the future but I guess now I see why you were so scared before not sure how much the other person really beileve a future together between us if it beings us to it. But I believed it so I gotta trust that you really mean it too lol. Ugh miss you. Getting my head straight and back on. 

You know what I really enjoyed? Calling you in between lunches or at the end of my work day or after and event/shoot going home to let you know I was going home for us to spend the evening together. Like I know we have busy lives and itd be nice to go to events together but to put it simply there were going to be things we dont always do together. Like your time with coworkers or things with your family. But I always enjoyed the idea of coming home to you. There were so many moments where I used to think I am so lucky to go home to hnin. I thought about it during a concert with victor, I thought about it during the house warming I attended, I thought about it after my shoots. I just liked us ended the night together. I like starting my day with you. It's a lot. Ugh I just sit here stuck in that comfort. I still want to call you on my way home. I still want to be in your arms. I wonder if that was enough for you then. To be in each others arms. I really wish we just went straight to my house the last night we were together. 

Another thing to think about is you never know when you think the last time will be. I never think any evening would be my last time with you in my arms. I thought we would work it out. Like this time around every night you were in my bed was happiness and there wasnt any worry of me not wanting to hold you. Just thinking on a monday evening lol guess Im always thinking. 

Other people I take in so much from individuals I meet and interact with when reflecting on us. And two thoughts of those are 1. thuys graduation today. So excited to celebrate her and to me so grateful Ive been able to maintain such a strong long term friendship with her. I guess thats why I dont want our chapter to end. I dont think Ive ever had anyone in my life as long as you and invested so much emotion and thought into something like we had. youve seen so many sides of me and I think that is the most important thing to me in a relationship. To see sides that no one else has and also to see how far youve come together. idk its just something important to me and why I hold our relationship more dearly the more we go. as for my 2. interaction with my coworker. its hard to communicate with preconceived notions and he has an upbringing and different values which affect his communication with my boss. and it made understand why it was so important for us to get to know each other on such a deep level to know why and how we think. why we love so hard. and all of the above. I feel like I know you better than anyone else in this world and the same back. and then another one that popped into my head is my gratefulness talk with my brother. we are so grateful to be in each others lives. and it wasnt always like that. i can go into how its rooted in love and years of learning about each other and all that.

but once again this isnt all articulated well but I just wanted to 1. keep you in my life forever because of how important it is to truly grow and know someone over time. 2. always keep talking to you, keep getting to know you, because I want to just understand the essence of you more and more. 3. be grateful for you. rough times or not in the end I always trust that is how we can look back and love how faw weve come when we get it. idk that was a mess going back to work. have a wonderful week <3

May 22 I closed out two clients this weekend! Trying not to keep myself busy as a form of healing. And if one day I find an opportunity to be around you I dont want my schedule to be packed weekend to weekend. I want to build a different lifestyle in terms of work. I guess I feel a little lost on where Im heading with my future but we will see. 

It's weird because I feel like we've switched roles so much. Especially since January. When you said I believe those who are meant to be will. Like thats how I always. felt in the past. And you taking time to make sure you are taking care of yourself and that you are healed. I guess thats why im so understanding of it because I know how important it is for us to have any chance of being together or just you simply being happy. I guess Im just scared youre saying that to make me feel at ease. Im scared youre saying if its meant to be it will be but you dont believe that its meant to be at all. Im scared that youre gonna move on and when you do in the past you dont believe people come back to each other after meeting others. 31 is a long time. And quite frankly you know Ill come back even if you experience someone else. as long as you make the decision to love me I'd always come to you. But I dont think youll feel the same way about me. ugh Im just scared to lose you forever, but youre so fearless right not. guess you have found happiness and freedeom and maybe you associate that with me not being around rather than other actions and mindsets. writing this makes me thing I need to accept it... writing everyday isnt going to make me stop loving you. and maybe that was my goal. ugh sad. but im not like sad where I cant move. Im just generally sad right now but will keep my body moving. I guess im just not doing anything for myself to move forward. I. just. dont. want. to. 

Anyways on the other had I do really believe that you are trying to have a place between us to heal and be friends. down the line where we can sit in talk I can see you protecting your heart. I can see you not wanting to fall back into anything we had so if we build a new realtionship we just care for each other. Thats what I wanted to do with our time apart before. So when we meet again we have only good feelings for each other. i guess the difference was that I hoped that turned into love after we healed in learned about oursleves more.

I hope I get to bump into you by accident where are guards are down one day. I miss you. 

May 21 I thought I saw you in estes park yesterday while shooting the wedding. It was far but I thought I saw you pass by but you got into a white car. I thought if I knew it was you I wouldve ran out of the venue. These weddings always make me so emotional thinking about you. Thinking about how Id give a speech talking about how hard love is. How its not easy but its worth it. To say, we made it. And have everyone in the room that knew us chuckle. I think about us dancing. Us dancing with friends. And then us esacping everyone to be alone and just dance and laugh at each other. I can see you trying to put cake in my face but not yours. I see a lot. I wonder what kind of dress youll wear one day. Anyways I was so excited to see you trip last night. You are literally the coolest. I honestly find it so attractive that you did something for your soul. That you went to places to see and feel things similar to me. That you are just so damn independent. It honestlyl turned me on last night right after we said good night if you know what I mean. Physically and the things you do and the way you think is so freaking attractive to me and I think thats why my body yearns for you sexually. Anyways you inspire me. Hope it was so much more amazing than what we had the chance to talk about <3

May20 Today I write to you from a mcdonalds on the side of a highway lol Im not sure if writing about how much I love you will ever help convince me otherwise. It honestly makes me think of you more and more but I guess I simply dont want to feel otherwise. I keep thinking how amazing we are individually as our own people and together. Like Out of all our friends we both have two jobs and work so hard to enjoy our lives and take care of others outside of our selves and I guess thats why we both understand how difficult it is to work hard and enjoy our time with others. And then on top of that having friends outside of partying because we both love nature and just that simple stuff in life. Walking on a staurday morning, time with tayto, park days. I feel like a majority of people we hang out with dont really care for those things. I love writing to you everyday. It just has become part of my routine and I always find a way to do it. Whether youre here or not it makes me feel you still. Everything I feel it keeps a flame in my heart. And speaking of flames how about all this smoke coverage from canada? If you went somewhere special you may not get the best view/sunrise/sunset but stilll I hope you are taking care of your lungs and that you enjoyed the journey/hike instead of just the view. I wonder if you made it to telluride or fort collins?! Praying that youre safe love. 

Hey I feel really weak right now.  Thinking about the future and thinking about missing you has me really weak with my heart in the pit of my stomach. And then thinking about how much I love you and the person you are has me set in the highest highs. There's more I want to expand on but I think its a mixture of my insecurities and my overthinking taking over. I dont want to give into that anymore and need to keep this as a place of affirmation between my thoughts of you. I miss you so much. Thats all I can say right now. Im gonna write here after I do yoga and clean tonight. Need to recenter my life.

Hot showers, yoga, my favorite music, and a book. It stops for a moment and I feel better. I have to remember that I heard you that day. I could feel you that day. You need this. We need this. There is a swell of emotions still but I can't sit here and revolve my life around you. I know you think about me everyday, but your day does not stop with me. You have goals, your mental/physical self, and life to focus on. I've been sitting here on a daily basis where my everyday revolves around the thoughts of you. Although my time if filled with the things I. have to do I havent chosen to do anything else with my free time besides think about you. I guess you said it best that you werent moving on but moving forward. 

And maybe that may mean something more. You and I need to move forward from all of out past. We arent necessarily moving on from each other but we are focused on healing and being in a different stage of life. We are focused on being the best version of us, but it never meant we stopped loving each other. You are doing everything in your power to be better. To feel better. To live better. You are currently probably on your trip away from everything in the purest form of our world. Nature. 

It's hard to stop thinking about someone you admire so much. I hope you are having a very special trip. Not just incredible but something unique and needed for your soul. I hope you are safe, I hope you have peace, I hope you see something beautiful, I hope you have a smile on your face, and I honestly hope theres a moment where we pop into your head. 

I want to be there with you. In the cold, in the rain, under the stars, during the sunrise, in the car, in the tent, wherever you are. I wish I could be there so badly. And not like we are dead or anything but I pray that we feel like we are always there deep in each others hearts. Far or near I hope I can keep you warm inside tonight reminding you how strong you are, how loved you are, and how important you are. 

Good night sweetheart. 

*written with a bunch of tears from yoga lol. not sad, not happy, just released tears from something inside*

May 19th How the hell am I going to do this. How do I last 7.5 months without the person I crave the most intimacy and love from. How do I hope that you and I somehow dont find love until 31? How do I accept that the person down the street isnt someone that I know is the love of my life? How? How? When you told me that you do believe people find their way back to each other it caught me so off guard. But I guess I didnt follow with the question do you think WE will find our way back together? Maybe you believe people do but maybe you dont believe we do. Like I can see myself loving you time and time again if you had moved on but I feel like Ill have to be single until 31 for any chance with you. Thats why I want all of you now. I dont want to waste anymore time in this life and world waiting for you. I waited 25 years for you. 25 years I waited for someone exactly like you. Thats why this hurts so fucking much to just agree and let you go on with life. Just grow with me, live with me, laugh with me, cry with me, dance with me, please. I dont want any more possibility of the slirghtest idea that we do not love each other. 

Last night I also had a dream. Once again I cant remember it detail for detail but I feel like we were in a mexico like spot. We were with our friends I think? But everyone planned to go somewhere and I knew you were going so I stepped back to try and find something else to do. I think I fought zombies LOL but then I had passed by you. By accident after everything was over I passed by you at the skating rink? I HAVE NO IDEA lol my memory is terrible. But what I do remember was seeing you when I walked by. You were chilling in the corner not sad but not the life of the party. You walked over to the window then I passed you and saw you in my peripheral. I turned and it took you a moment to realize it was me and I saw you recognize me. I smiled while I kept walking. Smiled so hard because it looked like you were thinking of me. Then you smiled back. I was so happy there. To feel like you thought of me in a place where so much was going on, to smile back at me when you saw me, and just to simply see you. 

Theres so many people in this world. And I believe we are both so special and its hard to believe either of us will find someone as special as each other. However, I am also scared that you might settle for something that easier but doesnt mean as much. When myself on the other hand cannot settle for anything less meaningful than you. I cant settle for anything that doesnt turn my soul the way you do. I dont want an easy relationship. I dont want all flowers and butterflies. I want a soul as deep as yours. Someone who is trying to experience life the same as yours. Im just scared Hnin. 

Not sure if I mentioned this yesterday but I am going to start writing letters to my loved ones. I used to do it once a year to everyone but I havent in a while since I was so focused on understanding myself. But I may add more to this so I dont obsess about you. But I want this to be a door into my soul. I want you to see me write to my parents, family, friends. I want you to see my grateful side to life. I want you to see updates on me if you ever do peak here. Or if youre already here. This isnt to just obsess over you and freak you out. This is to let you see the human I am and feel close. 

I guess one day you dont have to miss a beat on my life. You can get a clearer view into my mind. You cansee my raw soul unlike anyone else. 

I havent written in my finsta since 2022? So if you ever come back here ( you didnt bite me LOL) just know you have become the only person to get the chance to see the deepest part of me. I guess the only way I really want it. Love you. 3 days down.

May 18 My coworker and I took a drive the other day to get rentals and we talked very intimately about our upbringings. He's the guy I wish you could here me talk to in the sense of deep talks. The funny things is I talk so much about you to him lol. We both talked about essentially kids that had to grow up to fast and fend for themselves. Its because I was talking about my parents relationship then I brought up you and explained to him thats why I love you so much. He doesnt know you, he doesnt know about us, but he hears about what I think of you. Which is just my perspective but he said he could here how much I was invested in you as a person today and where you came from. Then we just talked about how unfair the world was and what we could do to make that difference. Idk you just come up everyday. 

Ooop my boss is coming-- I have more for today so to be continued later.

Hi there! Back to my post earlier-I was also thinking about you video of you crying happy tears. I wish I saw it but I do want to see it another day. Its like my fingers crossed hoping its another opportunity for me to be close enough to see that vulnerable side of you. Honestly I hope one day you and I both take drugs and end up in our same group and are next to each other. Then I hope we run away mid concert dance and come back. 

I know you dont want to have tiny moments with me anymore because it doesnt help you stop loving me. But I dont want you to stop loving me. I guess what I said the other day about whether or not you want to end up in my arms negletting and pretending to not love each other doesnt help us heal. Like pretending I have reasons to hate you or convincing myself that we dont care about each other doesnt help me heal or work things out. It's just a tiny bandaid covering up something true. WOW deja vu. Im sitting in my new office remembering all of this. The music, the leaves, the words. Anyways your call and message did keep us on the same page. We will try our best to have space in thoughts of hopefully creating the most loving space for someone we care about. Each other. But in moments of thoughts for each other, in our random encounters, in any of that sometimes we cant stop ourselves. From a hug, from a smile, from a really meaningful "how is life, are you happy?". We fell in love with a person where we can/want to do that so badly with and we are both that type of human. 

And on that note, I miss you. I had a tough talk with my mom the other day. I picked up something I wanted to try for a while. I settled into my new office. Im tired and falling behind. And just want to sit and talk with you. Not because I love talking but because I love sitting and talking with you. Just the tiny things in life that I never get the chance to with other people. 

I dont think Im leaving the country anymore but maybe a campervan trip in sept :) Ive always wanted to do it and why not follow your steps for inspiring me to do the things I want to in life? You left my life for yourself and to take care of both of us. Not for my life to stop. So I will chase things I love in life because itd make our heart happy to see us happy.

You know one thing I just realized is that I no longer want to run away from home. Sitting and talking to you the last couple times, being in your arms, and getting your message about cooking class and telluride made me happy. Before I was so scared to see you and felt like the only way I can respect you was running away to far away places. But I still feel at home here now because I know if I see you I can smile with my heart watching you. Maybe Ill miss you a little and go home. Maybe I can stay there and just be happy to be close to you. Idk until it happens. We will see. Im just so curious how my heart will feel being in places with hundreds of people where I then see the only person I want to be with in that sea of people. Where I just want to sit and talk with her. Maybe thats how I felt about chris lake, 

Miss you. Glad I have so many pictures of your smile and videos with your laugh. Oooo and last thing, your laugh ending our last call. Sitting here smiling looking all weird thinking about it hahaha. Memories of you bring me so much happiness. Lets make sure thats the only way I will remember you. Delusion is fine as long as I get to always see the good in your soul.

May 17 How could I say no to you? Of course I want to hear from you. And I really hope you get to do all the things I dream of, experience a place that stole my heart. Its like seeing a piece of me. Like when we talk about it in the future you really get a whole nother side of me. Its like if I went to your home town to see the street by your school. Or when you did the stairway just like I did. Or when we listen to a song that means something to us. Thats what experiencing a person is like. Thats what looking into someone deeply to understand what makes them them. I could never say no to you. My curse and my blessing <3

May 16 You and I are tied to the world. For me to get to see you last week in the most perfect weather. Like so perfect to lay in the grass.  For the weather to allow us to sit and watch the sunset yesterday. And for the sun to shine so brightly for us today. Then the rain that has helped us wash away so much inside of us. Make you feel so free. We are so tied to this world. For you to grow as the tree outside your house grows and for me to lay in the grass after work with tayto. 

I cant help but see us in a story. Not a movie. We dont have cinematic moments. We dont have these jaw dropping moments but we have so many quirky, off, clumsy, and unique moments. We have things happen that no one would belive much less us. We dance on the rooftops in the rain hungover and exhausted, we hit our heads 24/7, we pull butt hairs and drool everywhere, we are a story. A journal. We are real. 

We are the realest something can be when it shows how much we care for each other. We are the realest when showing anger, sadness, happiness, confusion. We have always been so real with each other because we have grown to know that if anyone else in this world can see such a raw side of us it would be each other. 

Here's another poem from the other day that I read

if its not meant to be 

tell me why her sweatshirt smells like comfort

if its not meant to be

tell me why im flooded with hurt

but the moment i see her my heart melts

if its not meant to be 

tell me why she plays on repeat 

like a song in my head

and I dont want to press pause

if its not meant to be

tell me why i cant stop 

retracing her body in my mind

if its not meant to be

tell me why the person I am with her is the person i want to be

if its not meant to be 

tell me why

20230515_195654.jpg

Heres ours:

if its not meant to be 

tell me why her asian smell is like comfort

if its not meant to be

tell me why any time away from you is so painful

but the moment i hold you my heart melts

if its not meant to be 

tell me why she runs through my mind on loop

but this time I want it to pause so the song doesnt end

if its not meant to be

tell me why i cant stop 

feeling her every single night

if its not meant to be

tell me why the person I am in her arms

is the raw person i want to be 

if its not meant to be 

its because we love each other

October 29th, 2020-May 15th 2023=928 days*.25=232 Days=7.6 months Man my math is good. 

I sat here and watched you walk into your house and sat there thinking do I run right now. Do I run one more time grab her like the crazy person I am and kiss you. But that would mean I didnt listen to you in the car and means I didnt hear you. So instead I got the car and went to the park as fast as I could (with a hurt ankle) and just stayed there in the dark under the stars. And just wrote about things from the car.

You have seen me love you. I know it seems like we dont see each other show love toward each other but we do it so many ways. When we sit there and talk about each others past, when we buy each other food, when console each other when we cry, every time we come back to each other, every time we make jokes to laugh at each other. We show each other we love each other so much when we get passed expecting each other to show love a certain way. 

I am a hopeless romantic. I believe in love. I believe in the feelings I have being like nothing else I have expereinced in this world. I believe in the special connection in a soul. I believe in the words I say when you are one of the most amazing humans Ive ever met. 

Negletting each other will not help us heal. Itll convince us that we dont care and the other doesnt but even if I cant get a hug or ask how youre doing Ill always give a smile to show how happy I am to see you. Even if its in an uncomftoable moment. Ill kill. you with my life (like killing with kindness) because one day for us to both believe that we still care we need to prove it. That is if we bump into each other. 

When I heard you cry it made me understand. It hurt my heart so much to see you cry so much while trying to be strong. Please dont cry anymore. I dont want us to cry anymore. I cant have us hurt anymore. Anything I want with you in my life cant be like that ever again. I love syou so much. way to much for us to be anything but loving to each other. The more you cry the more I hate who I am for not taking care of this special person so much. 

^^ those were my thoughts I noted in the car last night and what I wrote on more in the park.

Heavy chest when I got out the car. And just ran to where we never left. Wishing on everything and anything with my wet feet. 

We both looked back at each other. And we both always will. 

This has been a hectic day and isnt my last post. This was just a bunch of jibberish from last night. 

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May 15  I was pretty excited to talk to you yesterday to hear the start of your trip then to hear the end later. It gives me a pretty solid feeling on your emotions and intentions beforehand and what you got out of it. It'd be nice to hear but I know theres more to talk about and didnt want to put that into your trip.

This weekend was tough. As always I wanted to talk to you and even more so when Im drunk. So maybe no more drinking and going out. I left chris lake early to sit outside and its just really tough for me to be out. Its tough for me to be around. Honestly I want to leave this city just like you. The thing is though I had a dream that you and I just sat and talked like the other day in the park and it put my heart at ease so much. Because whether you decide that I am someone that can be in your life and not take a toll on you or not as long as we can have a space where I can love you and be so happy for you maybe thats all. Its just scary because if you say no and we do have that space but it changes one day cause a boy friend says no to us being around Id be sad. I guess thats why I write so much and want to see you so much because I want to establish a relationship with you where you know I care and love you so much no matter what.  I want you to know you mean the world to me and that all the hate you felt toward me was me intending for you to feel that way.

Time and time again I want us to understand the root of care we have for each other because we dont find that often in the world and I dont want to lose you. I dont want you to lose me. 
 

Later when we talk about it, its going to be emotional. Because we are going to be really honest with how we feel and we are always just going to miss and love each other a lot. The amount of emotions you and i have for each other is so much more than other people. And I feel like we see so much and think so much of each other. 

Anyways I miss you. I hope this week is incredible, and I hope it launches you into a beautiful new chapter. I love you lots. 

May 13 My body is so tired and I just want to lay in bed all day but I just wanted to talk to you all night. I just want to lay in bed with you all day. I just want a quiet weekend with you. I can't believe you have been here and I have no idea how long youve been here. What does this mean? Like are you here because you feel the same? are you here just checking in? I need to talk to you again today after my shoot. I also need to clarify that I always want to call. Thats why I wrote here everyday because I wasnt sure if I was allowed to call after all our interactions early on. Ugh Im over thinking and so hung over right now. So happy to hear your voice last night. 

Youre lying. Look at this and tell me there was no love. Look at this and tell me Im dellusional for never wanting to give this girl up. Tell me tha I was not genuinely happy and she made my world so full. Look at this and tell me we didnt have any happy moments. And I have more videos after this of moments I recorded you being weird, happy, dancing. I have so much and it makes my heart so full. I love taking videos of you in your rawest form. When you dance, say weird things, lay in bed with me, be with your friends. This is why i take this and not just the beautiful stuff. Because when I need to know the truth I see a real video. 

 Listening to your laugh, you accent, seeing you dance, everything. I even have videos of you just sleeping. Like this girl is so fucking perfect just existing. My most favorite image of you was when you came to visit and watched your action movie and ate food staring at the tv, Guard was down and just happy and so comfortable being at my home while I cleaned. Like that is the moment I think of the most when I think of a future with you. Nothing overly romantic, nothing we asked for, just something real. 

Im tired of chasing this perfect idea of a relationship. You have always been what I was chasing. Tell me not to stop loving you and Ill hide it but Ill never stop the way Ill care for you.

Wow life is crazy Once again another moment that I wish you were apart of. But I ran into one of my clients during lunch, he joined me, and we talked life. Talked about work, what we want our business to stand for, and updated life. The crazy thing is I went to this spot thinking of you today. Pho Peoria. I was sitting there by myself just writing. And he walks in. And once again its a moment I wish you were apart of. A moment where I wish you could even see as a ghost. It was nice to talk about how we have both been doing mentally and then he told me he was going to propose and wanted me to be apart of it. It made me smile. It made me think of you. And then last night my old coworker asked me to shoot their wedding and told me I could have a plus 1. Both of these instances I thought of you. I have a wedding in June for phanaths family that I wish you could be apart of. Maybe Im going to start reserving 2 just in case some how you can be in my life? I dont want to plan a life alone because I want to hope we fall back into it. I pick up trips/book events thinking I need to keep myself busy being sad. But lets just plan extra just in case I get you in my life. So June 3rd Im asking for a plus 1. I have 2 illenium tickets, 2 louis the chilid tickts, and some weddings next year. And if I get lucky I get to have you :) and if not Ill sell or cancel. I just dont want you to ever think Im planning a life without you. January I thought that I was going to have to live away from you a bit and tried to fill up time. This time, lets just keep it open. 

Thinking about you so always. OOOO let me find tickets for a house show so you can dance haha. Idk if this is sad or not. But maybe it shows that I care and still think of you when the time comes to those shows. Well idk haha Ill ask "hey do you wanna go to this show"? 
you say "yes", "no", "im already going".

I either get to take you, you have plans already, or I know you are going and get to make the effort to find you and give you a hug. 

lol Im so weird I know. sometimes I hope you wont see my off the railroad thoughts. honestly if you came to read all this its probably overwhelming. especially if its something you dont want. But i guess if you do come here theres a part of curiosity and seeing this side of me anyways in the future. if you ever see this I want you to bite me next time I see you lmao

May 12 Today is going to be a little all over the place but here are some things in my mind last night while I was high and this morning.

I was reflecting why my heart was racing before I saw you and I was NERVOUS. It was similar to the night we ran into each other at temple and all I want to do is hug you tightly because I'm so excited to see you and be with someone that means so much to me. The scary part is what if the feeling isnt mutual. What if over the time I didnt see you, you felt that I didnt care to "reach out" or felt that I "moved on". I just get so scared when I havent seen you in a while for the misconception that you arent the most special person in the world to me. I guess thats why all of this is here to show proof that, to me, you are the world.

I also forgot to mention I had dinner with sung and wassa. Ive been trying to sit down with them for so long and they are moving :( those two are such sweet people ESPECIALLY Sung. I ended up buying them a bottle of wine during dinner to celebrate them. And honestly I wish you were there too. I loved seeing you light up talking about your past with your friends before and like I said in a previous post really wanted us to start hanging around more couples. They are sweet and I just love being around good souls that talk about whats really going on in their lives outside the superficial stuff. Thats where I felt you and I played a role in so many lives. We are so good at making people feel comfortable and cutting tension with a knife. Like in Tulum with the parents and kevin. Idk. I just feel like you and I were to play a special role in this world TOGETHER. Thats why its so important for me to be with you. I feel like together we bring something to the people that fall into our lives because of how much we experienced together. I also always wished we could hold each other down during arguments and comfort each other physically so that we could help future couples too. I just see so much for us but maybe Im too optimistic.

Another thing is that I was thinking of my relationship with friends. I wanted to apologize because I often have trouble seperating my personal emotions from other people. These things in my life has always been my choice. And although my relationship with friends really did change. It falls underneath some miscommunication. Overall both of you and my friends felt the same way. They felt that I chose you and didnt advocate for my friendships. And you felt like I always chose my friends and didnt advocate for you. And the truth is although I cared and loved my friends there were many moments where (in my head) I chose hnin over everything. Even right now I still want to run away with you and choose you. Anyways I've come to acccept my friendships have evolved. We all still love each other but I dont have any regrets. I still want to choose you time and time again. Its where my heart lies and Im scared its gonna be where it dies if you dont feel the same. Im so concerned about deep down if theres any hope/feeling of this. Ive never wanted to start my life with someone so badly that nothing else around me mattered. Like you know how you get into a serious relationship and thats your entire life. Then it moves to marriage because your entire life is happy? Thats where my heart is happy. I want us to meet so many people and do things together. How cool would it be if we switched our sights to traveling instead of in state things? Set our goals together? (that segways into something else)

Theres a lot more but i guess to close it out cause its long is that I wanna call and keep trying. I want to be a forceful presence because I love you. Fuck January being the only time. I didnt chase you in January cause you have a boyfriend. I chased you because I love you. Is it okay for me to call? Is it okay for me to run back in the rain there? Do I care how I look? No. I just care about letting you know and feel me. I need to see you today. Ugh is this bad!? Do you still want nothing to do with me. My mind is all over. 

Wait final thing because this ties into it so well (WHY DID YOU GIVE ME SUCH A SAD FREAKING BOOK)

I want to be someone you cant stay away from

I want to be like your bed in the morning

It takes everything to leave its warmth

and at the end of the day, you always return

I want to be comfort

I realized that IM someone 

you need to stay away from

I realized that I am more like a fire

you want to get close

but I keep burning you

I am you destruction

and I hate that

This poem BROKE me. I love you so much and I want to be so right for you. But I am scared that I am the issue that caused everything. I dont want my flames to engulf us yet sometimes when we argue it gets bigger. Its my job not to burst in flames and I just want you to help me calm the flames but ultimately its my control. I want to keep you warm and that makes me try to hard. I keep trying to much and hurt you. Thats where Im at right now. Im scared if I keep trying to get closer again Im gonna burn you...

And at the end it was never on you to control these flames. Thats why I feel so guilty asking you to be there. or ever asking you for help. Im the one to control my warmth to be comforting it is not up to you to pour water on it. Pouring water on me when I break down in the car and on the roof of mexico helps, but it is not your job. But know I always just wanted to keep you warm so you could keep dancing in the rain. And right now you are free dancing in the rain. You are filling your soul. So next time the fire gets a little bigger than it needs to you dont burn right away. You have some protection so you can be a bit closer while it simmers down.

I want your soul to be so full. And maybe that rain thats filling you up can help us. I guess thats why i get so excited to see your life fill you up. and hopefully I can sit in this rain with you so I can just keep us warm. But what is this rain that keeps us cool and full? Is it telling you I love you everyday? Kisses all over? Sitting in nature, in silence, from everyone else? Is it letting go of so much pain from all parts of our life? What is this rain that helps me not burn you.

 

Wow what an ending. Usually I dont finish these things well. UGH I HOPE YOU SEE SOME OF THESE.

 

PS I am changing some of these poems. Im changing this book based on my feelings for you. You arent going to convince me to give up my love for you. Everytime you try to get me agree I am not the kid I used to be. I love this girl.  

Its funny you like the rain. Do you remember that story I told you when you asked for one to go to sleep? The one about the boy, girl, and the rain? It's one of my favorite anime movies where the boy doesnt care how much it rains as long as hes with the girl. Let it rain as long as you are in my arms. I hope that one day you get to watch the anime movie "weathering with you". Its how I feel about you. Let the world go to chaos as long as Im with you because thats where Im happy. Also one thing that keeps popping in my head is you calling the rats cute and talking to them LOL. You are my favorite for things like that. 

I Just want to talk to you Just like the other day all I want is to sit and talk with you. I want to lay in bed all night and talk to you. I want to lay in a tent and talk to you. I want to call you during lunch or at the end of the day of work. I want to call you when I drive. I want to just sit there and here your voice. I want to hear about your life. I want to hear you. 

At the end of the day you have flaws, personal prerogatives, and are your own person. And thats who I want to be with and talk to for the rest of your life. I dont want anything more or less than you. No one will ever be perfect and theres always more out there. What I kept telling vy about you last night (just came to my mind during lunch) was that there are 8 billion people in this world and I get so scared that Im going to lose the person I love. Of course there will always be another person that fits yours and my life better or anything like that in our lives. But the thing is I dont want that. I dont want to look for someone else that is gonna make me happier, or understand me better, or etc.  want you. Theres always going to be someone we think is better because no one will ever be perfect enough. But the thing is the imperfect you is what I love. I want nothing more and nothing less than you. I have my soul connected to someone and thats all I need. Everything else is just part of life. I dont need you to be perfect. I dont need anyone else. I want you. 

That was a mess of words but what Im saying is I decided on you. Out of 8 billion people in this world I want to pick you because there is nothing more that I need. 

May 10 I just watched guardians of the galaxy with my brother. And WOO it was emotional and such a freaking good movie. Im sure you probably dont know the plot but the main character lost the love of his life during the avengers endgame and she came back alive but a version of her that never met him. And he still has all these memories of love about her and only sees her that way and she doesnt remember anything and she was a killer so shes very different. It was so sad to me because I felt that all he could feel is his memories towards her but she hates him (because hes not a killer but dsiregard that) and has none of those good memories he has, IT MADE ME SAD. Then at the end she sees a glimpse of why she loved him before. Because of his way to bring people together and his touch on the world. She mentioned she probably did love so much of it but she just. cant remember. They had to go on with their lives but there was this glimpse of care which broke my heart becasue we never get to know if they find their way back to each other. But he teared up and knows his love for her stands. Random movie but so many things about it was amazing. 

And then I also caught up with vy over the phone and talked about how I saw you the other day. I told her how amazing it was and how much you inspire me. One I talked about how I never wanted to leave because you in my arms was all that mattered to me in this world. At this point its the only thing I want and need. It soothes my soul (oh and theres a passage in you book that talks about this) but ugh its all that I needed. Then I talked about your solo trip and how much it inspires me that you do that. Ive always wanted to but never executed you have inspired me to do so much lately in terms of pushing for something I really want to accomplish an taking time for myself. So when I do my solo trip and mark this next things off my goals I cant wait to call you and invite you. I cant wait to call you while Im looking out at the sea. Theres just so much about you. And sidenote it also inspired vy to take a trip to help her with her ex. You touch more lives than you know. You are like a spiderweb that affects me to affect others and so on. Thats whats always been special about you and why Im so excited for you to be in a new environment. 

And before I slept I looked at your facebook. LOL my heart jumps seeing your photos. Its like traveling in time and growing up with you. I liked a ton of photos that made me super happy. Whether its you looking cute (totally would have a crush on you) funny misspelled quotes that dont quite make sense, funny poses, big smiles, everything. How does so many things about one person past, present, future. Next to me, far away, everything make me so happy?

You make me so happy no matter what we go through and I guess thats why my heart hurts. I want that happiness with you 24/7 but I know Ill get it from you in our other interactions in life if Im not allowed to be next to you. 

Finally, I promise to give you the biggest hug every time I see you. I said "let me know when you need a hug and I gotchu". You replied "I always need a hug". I'd like to go to your house everyday and give you a hug but I'd be a weirdo and maybe thats not what you want. So instead Ill just squeeze you every time I see you <3 promise, promise, promise

 I HAVE SO MUCH TO WRITE ABOUT YOU. Like I dont see an end in how much I have to say. Like I have a list of so much to tell you but Im still stuck thinking about the other day, How hard we laughed talking about how I could imagine you talking to your rats and just knowing your parents personalities in the sense that your mom likes to hoard and how you are ready to dump everything. And I honestly loved your outfit. I absolutely love seeing you dressed down because its just you being comfy and well... you. Dont get me wrong I love seeing you dressed up (heart eyes) but I guess why I love seeing you dressed down is because I feel special. You will usually post pictures dressed up or be in places where lots of eyes can see you and you look fucking sexy and beautiful but I love seeing your red pants and the other side of you because its a version only I can see. Its like sex how only we can see each others bodies. Your hair also looked super cute. I just love the essence of you. I love YOU. 

More on yesterday ugh you are everything to me. Holding you, hearing about things for you this summer, I just have so much damn love for you. I'm not sure if you have people that feels like their heart is going to burst from just simply being happy for each tiny thing you do in your life, but literally couldnt hold in how happy I was for things coming up for you. I feel like my happiness for anything involving you oozes out. 

There's this study taking humans to an animal level that we are attracted to a specific scent for mating purposes and that scent is unique compared to anyone else we meet. And the second I smelt you I felt aroused, at home, and just knew it was you. You could blindfold me and have me sniff multiple people and I'd know its you. From a microscopic level I could smell your pheromones and it drives me insane. Even right now I cant hold the urge and last night had to go home and take care of myself (also edited all our videos together and when I watch it, it feels like nothing in this world but thats for another time). 

 

And then when we hold each other, when you laugh, your tiny mannerisms is what will forever be stuck in my memory and dreams. In the future I can already imagining me looking like a weirdo staring and smiling because I just enjoy you for the unique human you are. You are so special.

Then us wanting to buy each other books lmao. Like why are we like this and why do we think the same?

Finally asking if I was happy. In the moment I was so happy. Any time I get to hold you my life feels complete. Especially from behind. I teared up on the way to work thinking about it and I was tearing up during the sunset. You will forever be home to me. Outside of our moment last night I would still say I dont feel free. I dont think I can let the reigns of this go yet. I still have the same love for you I have been having. The same feelings I was describing in January. Maybe I just dont. want to be free of something that makes me feel like this at the end of the day. Its easier for me to hold on because I know through the tough times this is where we are at. I always think that we will always come to this thats why it makes sense to me. 

Yesterday before I hung out with you I caught up with lilly pham. And she asked why I loved you so much and talking about that then seeing you made me feel so in tune with my feelings. You are just so damn special unlike anyone Ive ever met. I told he abour your birthday donations, your care for your family, your care for friends, our shared interest in the world and excitement we bring into people lives, and how in a sea of people when we go out that you are not like any of our friends or strangers there. You may look the part but you are so damn special. And then to tie it up I told Lilly that Hnin is also the weirdest, unordthodox girl Ive ever met and we just laughed. We bursted out laughing and I said it was my favorite thing about her. 

Then, I saw you. The sun was perfect you were just going on with your day. And we sat there. Testing the waters. Then we wanted to spend a bit more time together. And it was like I met you for the first time. Nothing else mattered. We just enjoyed our moment. I knew you so deeply from out past yet we held nothing else from it sitting with each other. And finally it came down to me never wanting to leave that park. We never made it to 10. Technically you and I live in the park forever. Wishing on airplanes with all my heart while you sang. Wanting to just hold you in that park forever. Wanting to make love to you right there like the world didnt exist. Want to turn your face to kiss me. You are so free and happy right now. And the world can feel it and you can feel it inside.

I just had to make the biggest wish with all my heart, "Let me meet her for the first time one more time in my life. Let me experience her with everything I know now, but without anything we experienced before. Bring back the love of my life in any way possible."

Hi, I'm Austin. You feel like a really special human and I would love to just sit with you for a while. Or maybe forever. 

So that I will never forget The second I sat next to you I could smell you. The most distinct smell from anything else in life. *inhales to remember it* There is no describing it, but here is a way for me. It smelt brown, warm, and kinda of the scent of your house. It's a smell I associate being close to you, holding you, and right before I kiss you. It's has this texture of like a tan blanket. lmao I know it doesnt make sense but its your smell. And quite honestly thinking of your scent arouses me. Then the sound you made when you first picked up tayto. You were on the open parking spot and put your head to hers. The sound was like *uah*. When you do that noise you do it three times then slip into that one voice you do and ask tayto a question. Then theres your face. When we sat face to face and when I sat to the right of you in the field. The sun was going down the lighting was blue on your face. I wanted a picture but didnt have my phone. It looked different than before. It looked so semetrical and your smile seemed larger. You still did this thing with your eyes where you squit and look to the side and smile when you make a joke. T shirt a little big on you. You were comfortable today. Theres some days where theres a lot in your head, youre reserved, youre tired. Not today. It was like you met me for the first time but at the same time youve known me all your life. Then the way you feel. Your arms are tiny and when I grab to hold I know you can feel my entire hand. My hand fits perfect on your left thigh while my right arm hold you over all. I poke your stomach a bit and the cuddle and hold you tight. I feel you on my chest and right above my pelvis and on my bicems while my hand holds your arms. And my nose goes between the top of your left shourlder to your left face. I feel tightness in all of these smots and even more when I close my eyes becasue I close em as I bury my face in you. And then I see you tink and be happy. And then when I picked you up to spin you it reminded me of coachella when I ran in a circle. Everything out of my control, feel free, and just so in the moment. Hearing you laugh as we call and I just stumbled around like I was drunk. And with tayto. We just lay there like its our family. just like that night you came to my house and we laid in bed with tayto. our family where it was all we needed. And now against my car. It reminded me of the engagement. Warmth and tightness. Our bodies fit perfectly to each other. You even spin around and we love the comfort. Its something that we both love so much.  And now to tie it back to the second I saw you. It felt like a movie. Before all of that my heart was beating, I told tayto to get off the seat and I could noticbly feel how fast my heart was going. THEN, I saw you. I looked up and saw you carrying those items and everything dissaperaed. It remind me of the scene from a music video and everything went slow motion. Honestly seeing you carry everything just made me smile and before I knew it I rolled down the window and asked if I could give you a hand, And you smiled. A light smile after a face of surprise and you saying you got it. I loved seeing you carry those things. I felt like it was a window into a younger you. 

There's more I want to write about today to break somethings down. But I wanted to write as fast as possible about my memories I took tonight. While we were in each others pressence I took so many moments to stop and just take you in. I tried to remeber as much as possible. The smell, fell, emotions, sounds, evertyhing. This isnt the first time I did this. I did it when you read a book at the tetons, when we held each other in the park, slept in the car, when we were in bed and you had me on the head board, when we were in the bathroom drunk, so many times. I stopped it took you in so deeply. And today was no different. So many endless moments sitting with you.

Wish you were here As youve seen in the past I get very strong emotions when I talk about something I truly believe in and care about lol. And the other day I mentioned how I wish you were around the couple friends I have, my friends I saw at munchies when they visited, and in talks with my coworkers. For some backgroung my coworker and boss have been having problems and I've been trying to sort it out and I talk pretty often about ways to resolve things. And me and him also talk a lot about life stuff. But he said to me today after we talked for 2 hours that he thought of me as someone with a strong voice, someone who cares, and someone who really takes in the emotion of those around them and helped articulate it between each other. And other things but over all I smiled and teared up and said really? I just havent felt that way in so long because I cant do it when it matters the most. With you, with my dad, with things where I NEED it to work. I just am trying my best from all the times I messed up hoping it will work and hell. It maybe wont work at work. But it just gave me mixed feelings lol. It's just cool that he sees me in a light that thinks this way. I just feel like I failed so much when it counts. But I also really do feel like I have been trying my best with good intentions. I teared up just thinking about us and that night. Well all moments but that comes up the most. I just wish sometimes you were like a floating ghost seeing these moments. I wish you could just sit in my arms during these moments and conversations with others. I wish I could sit in the back and just listen to you talk. I remember the one time your friend visited and I sat there and listened (even though you guys were talking about memories). I wish I could do that more with you when you talk about your thoughts, your feelings, and just life things. I wish I got to sit around you talking with aung or your friends camping. I wish I got to sit in the back when you took your roadtrips. I just wish we could see the side of each other when not everyone is looking. *sigh*. ok thats all for today <3

Ghost of you- Justin Bieber This was a song I was singing today because it talks about how sad he cant be next to someone but he will settle for their memories if its all he can get because thats what he holds on to. Hoever TOTALLY different topicc-- Had lunch with an old friend today. So much life had happened these last couple years and all I could talk about was you. Then I jumped onto tik tok on the ride home and there was a reddit thread that talked about something really sad. There was a moment where they talked about the painful stomach dropping crying from losing someone during columbine. And between the videos from the shooting in texas the other day and then there was a video of a drive by down the street from your house (LITERALLY BLOCKS AWAY). My heart drops. I get so scared to lose your love everyday to someone else. But get even more scared that anything may happen to you more than anything when you arent in my life. I know my reactions are unreasonable thinking I never want you to be in that park alone at night, or have you drive others to keep your car safe, and etc. But i hate the idea that you have to shoulder so much. Im rambling at this point and am not articulating my feelings well right now but my heart just hopes nothing ever happens to you. I remember getting mad a justin a long time ago for how he talked to you and how you had to drive everyone. Idk just me being a person that spreads himself thin for too many people doesnt want you to do it but thats me projecting.

ANYWAYS. I dont want anything to happen to you. My fucking heart would crumble. Thinking about hearing our cries of despair breaks my heart more than anything. 

And I think that expectation I put on myself for wanting to be the best thing possible in your life set me up for failure. I wanted to be the best human I could be and keep getting better for someone I love. I wanted you to let me be on this path to help us be together (two people that care about each other) and make it work. To this day I still want to run away with you. Because being happy with you without everyone else in this world is maybe the only thing I wanted in life. 

How come I cant let this go? I just cant bring myself to convince that my feelings were so delusional. How am I ever going to get passed this? How did you do it?

May 8 I dont know what Im doing. Why am I writing here? Even if you open this up one day to peek at you hate these letters. You hate me. You hate any memory regarding us. I know you care. I know we care but I'm scared that these are all just going to make you mad. Honestly from January I am so certain how much I love and want to be with you, but the portion I'm starting to believe I lied about is that I wasn't scared. I wanted to provide you security and optimism and maybe created an inhuman expectation of myself. I am scared. Scared I will lose you to someone else again. Scared that I'll hurt you. Scared that I'll get hurt. Scared that we can't hold each other. And now scared that I'm just going to only do wrong in your eyes. Pam asked me to meet up with friends on sunday and I thought "is hnin there"? (I didnt go) And I know you said you would try everything in your power not to see me and I just want to see you so bad. If I get to see you by accident I feel comfortable running up to hug you, but if I'm pulling the strings behind to see you I feel like now I'm purposely doing something you told me you dont want me to do. FUCK IM OVERTHINKING AGAIN. One of my proudest moments ever was kissing you on that roof during the engagement. That was the first time in my life I said fuck what Im thinking, this is what I feel. I dont care about anyone or anything else in the world. All I cared about was telling you that I love you and showing you how I felt. I guess thats why I write here because its the most respectful way I know how to without suffocating you.

I'm so fucking sad that I cant be with someone I truly feel that I will never find in anyone else. Someone that cares for certain things in the world like I do. Someone that just wants to be held like I do. Im so fucking sad I cant be with my person and that she hates me. Fuck Im crying at work lmao HOW. I wish I could be on that telluride trip too. 

Days have been so hard.

May 7th I dreamed about you again last night and for some reason I cant remember it. I think I was sad. I think you were far? The dream ended with the DJ saying, here austin I think youll like this song and it flooded my dream and I woke up. The song was nice. And I cant remember it either. 

Im going to clean today and it makes me think about how you like to enjoy your sunday. Kind of touching on the post below and your letter but I am sad that we love the same things and didnt get to do it together. Sundays should have been for us to clean and prep for the week. Talk about our goals, setting things up to hold us accountable for them. I think we were in such survival mode that we forgot to live together. And early in the relationship we spent so much time getting to know each other. 

I guess thats why i loved days where we kind of let things be. We didnt feel the need to talk things out we just enjoyed our days. I know it would be in the back of our heads but we actually got to do things when we werent thinking and holding so much in. Theres so much adjustment like our first sunrise hike with tayto. I wouldnt bring tayto again or would keep her on leash. Honestly, I was just trying to figure the whole dog thing out at that point and was scared to leave her at home. I didnt mean to not have a sunrise hike the way you expected but I was happy we were there. You took an extra step to help me drive there while I worked and we made it there. I was so happy. A tiny step of progress where we starting to make things happen. I know it wasnt perfect but now I knew how to deal with tayto/ leave her so the next time would have been better. Thats what I feel like relationships are is learning and enjoying the tiny celebrations on the way. As long as I was with you then progress is just part of our life. 

I actually took a picture of you sitting on the rocks that day and could feel you thinking. I looked at it today and always know that I can feel your emotions pour out of you. Anyways, just another moment I was really happy to be with you. It didnt have to be perfect, it just had to be you. 

Hope you had a good weekend, and a warm wonderful sunday. 

May 6 Hi Im sad and angry today. Like really sad that we never did energy recharging events together. Sad we never rolled again together after really getting to know each other. Sad that we arent in each others lives. And I guess Im angry that we are so sad and hurt. Also when I was reflecting I feel like I have been too hard on myself. Like I know there are big moments where my temper still sprouted but its human and I cant change it 100% over night. It made me think to see if you noticed moments where I was more calm like when there was spit on my dresser, when there was blood on the sheets after mentioning my concern, when we had miscommunications over the phone and walk. Like I was making changes. I really was making changes in hindsight and in the big picture but there was so much expectation for an inhuman speed of change. That night I broke down in the car after both my tires because I was so mixed on my feelings and desperately trying to figure out how to react. I was frantically going through emotions and man I felt so much pressure my mind broke. 

And honestly Im just sad. I had these illenium tickets, these bears to paint, just sad. And sitting with all these couples I just always pick up tiny things between couples that I love that I wanted to try with you. Like at this point in life I really was so set on being with you. Argh my heart is sad and angry. I was so excited for a summer with you. Thats another reason I introduced you to my friend group with couples because those are the people I wanted us to be around. There was always more than just you knowing that I wanted to be with you and love you. Im honestly just sad today. Just another day and another thought about you.

May 5 It's weird that tiny thing like no longer being on you netflix saddens me. Like being forced to adjust and accept things for how they are is tough. Always holding on is tough. I always said that deciding to stay in be with you wasn't the hard part because I always wanted to be with you. I knew just being in a relationship and choosing you no matter what wasn't enough. But how I react to you, how we talk to each other, how we grounded each other was the most important. I had been saying this for so long and just like then I never want to let go. I just wanted to resolve everything. Just like now I just wanted everything to be resolved and figured out together. That's maybe all I ever want is to know I have the space, comfort, and assurance that we could find a way to figure it out. 

HOWEVER, I guess the main reason I wanted to write this post is to not associate this pain and sadness with you. I see how you light up my life when you send me updates in your life, or the day I saw you walk into temple after not talking for so long to give you a hug, or finally holding you in mexico. My heart leaps with every moment with you and although I'd love to be a part of all of your life I am so grateful for any moment with you. And I can be sad that its not forever or I can have a heart so full that you were part of my life and will eventually be part of it again (somehow, someway) no matter what. So now I've chosen to cherish every memory with you and every moment I get with you. Just because our situation isnt ideal doesnt mean I have to suck the love and happiness away from it. So next time I hold you I wanna smile and be excited to hold you even if you dont meet me at the same level/reciprocate it. Because ultimately it is not based on reaction but how I truly feel about you. I just cant sit here and continue to be in pain. I just want to cherish us in the past and anything we have in the future. Because i know no matter what you and I will build a relationship of care. Whether I get the chance to be your lover or just someone you care about I know we are going to build something special. You were never just another person in my life. I can promise you that. You and I arent average we are special. And Im not delusional and Im never going to hate on what we had. Nothing close to that. Never. My heart is strong enough and unclouded enough to know that. I love you.

May 4 Man it's tough. I get so excited and happy for you. I can't wait for your trip. I can't wait for you to start this new job and yet I get so sad not to personally be apart of the trip. Not to experience things with you and hear the tiny portions of what you like about your new job when you start. What's hard about it. What is something you wont ever forget about from telluride. Maybe after my next trip to shoot my uncles property, maybe I'll take a solo trip too, Canceled my June trip with my friend to SF and now maybe I'll just go camping by myself. Or maybe even go to lake tahoe to see what you saw there. How crazy would it be if I talked to the same couple lol. 

Anyways it's tough to adjust life without you. It's something I never wanted. I never considered. Im so happy I can celebrate the good news even when Im far away or "despite our situation". But these are the moments I wanted to celebrate with you. These are the things I wanted to encourage you to accomplish so we can celebrate together. Such a mix of happiness and sadness right now.

I hope this gallery works out and you accept the invite when it happens. I hope I have something exciting to share with you too soon. Miss you always. 

May 3 11:47pm holy crap my heart is so happy for you <3 

it's crazy. anything good for you makes my heart feel at ease. wow.

May 3 Woah yesterday was hard. I think I can leave it at that because when I just wrote it out it felt a bit personal. But yeah it was hard yesterday with everything running through my mind. 

This was suppose to be an add on to yesterday, but I get pretty sad when I meet people or have conversations that fill my heart because in those moments I really want you there to be with us. Like sitting down with bobai and her boyfriend and talking about good humans and whens reenergizing. All I could think is how much youd love to sit down with us and chime in too. Or when I was talking with y coworker about goals, doing things with purpose, and understanding why we want something and what makes it worth it. Those moments I want you to be apart of so much. And then to meet kind people that mean a lot to me like the ppeople from munchies. I think that you would really like to see another side of me from who I grew up with. I guess thats why I was so excited the night you came out with my cousins. And real happy to see you get along with them and just run around. Idk I always wanted that before and made sure it happened this time around. 

In the past all you wanted was for me to decide and be sure of me wanting to be with you and you said that was enough. Iand I knew there was so much more to it. I told you that its not just as easy is sticking by each others side and that a big focus is to learn how to really be there for each other. Because if staying by you no matter what was enough then we would be okay right now because I never wanted to let you go. 

ugh anyways my old boss just got cancer and made my heart pretty sad. he affected a lot of our lives and honestly was one of the poeple that thrusted me on my path of videography. the more heartbreaking part is he has a very new family and a son and daughter. he does what he loves and works at his alma mater. lifes just crazy. you can have everything and lose it as well. scary to love this hard. hope you are safe and happy <3

MAY 1 I CANT STOP I had the most intense dream about you. I mean I always to do but I never had so much emotion in a dream to where it was still pouring into me when I wake up. Not even sleep can be an escape from everything. I saw you cry so much in my dream and I was crying and in so much pain during the dream too. I cant recount all the details but I remember a few moments that seemed so so so real. And also the pain your loved ones and I had seeing you cry. Then I was in a car that passed you multiple times and I was crying and yelling to try and get your attention. 

Then I went onto social media and found your new page and you were hosting some time of charity with so much excitement. Then somehow I teleported into the social media like a ghost (like harry potter in memories) and I could see you face to face but you didnt see me. You looked so sad while putting these flowers on the fall. Making some type of flower wall and I think it was for charity. Then I got thrown back out into a garage where I was moving boxes. 

I woke up. The room was bright and I felt so heavy. I turned to my side and realized Im back. Still without you but I know this one is reality. But the feeling felt so heavy. I checked my phone for the time. My eyes closed back just because I wanted to go back to sleep just to see your face (even though we were sad) and before I could see your face I dropped my phone, it hit my bed, and woke tayto and I back up. 

I dont know what to call it anymore. I dont want to call it delusion. love. or any of that anymore. Theres just that feeling Ive always talked to you about being with you. Even though in my dreams you didnt want me anymore I just wanted to be there because thats where you were. I just simply want your closeness. It feels right despite so much we go through. Theres just this connection and maybe thats why I needed that picture. Because without you I pour this into that. 

I dont know what Im going to do. I dont care if its a dream or real now. Ill always miss you. I cant stop thinking about you. talking about you. everything. Once again you are all I talked about to friends while planning a trip. I even asked them if you could come LOL. like I even get to talk to you. but there is this hope that we maybe get a moment to relapse and I can ask you to come with me. I just pay everything so all you have to do is come. ugh idk.

i do want to send a message soon to make sure you are okay. the dream was so real and always makes me worry because I feel like they are portals into people. 

ps. when I look back at the dream you were older. you looked different. I hope I get to wake up next to you one day again.

ALSO these are my current goals. They say when you share with important people its morel likely to come true through accountability, networking, word of mouth, and manifestation. These are things I want to do on different timelines and things I need to do for them. I wish I got to see your vision board. Because then I now how happy your heart is when you do it! And lowkey I can imagine your vision board. Dancing, camping, real esate, happiness, possibly international travel, love, deifintely working out. You make my heart happy. Sometimes I imagine how your mom sees you doing things with a smile. I imagine my heart to love you similarly. Ugh I love you so much. 

Anyways, heres my goals. I know you dont want to be anywhere near me. But i pray that you come when I open my gallery, coffee shop, or events. Its supposed to be loved ones and not ever complete without you <4

 

Summer

  • Get back into the gym then hit barron

    • Check injuries 

    • Start pt

  • Finish Patio

    • Find what I need in terms of pavement and sizes

    • Purchase

    • start

  • Finish Garage

    • Look at inspiration

    • Look at how to hang mirrors

    • Buy last attachments

    • Think about insulation

  • Get Bathroom Door Up

    • Find transportation

    • Go to talk to specialist

  • Fix House

    • Coordinate with nicole 

    • Start learning

  • Pay of health Bills

    • Call therapy once a month

 

Year End

  • Train Tayto

    • List of what I want to train

    • List of how to do

    • Block daily 30 minutes to practive

  • Open Gallery

    • Write plan for gallery in terms of art and people

    • Look at locations

    • Make a list of expenses

    • Create a video for the work

  • Revamp Business

    • Wedding marketing

    • Product marketing

    • Talk to daniel about website change

  • Documentary

    • Talk to family

    • Take notes

    • Storyboard tree of thoughts

    • Plan a studio day

    • Plan a trip

    • Execute trip

  • Red Rocks Shoot

    • Send more content to random folks

    • Maybe some free shoots

    • Shoot with adam more maybe do a dinner

  • Festival Shoot

  • Set up national park trips

    • Pick places you want to go

    • Make itineraries for fun and pick seasons

  • One more international trip

    • Find a friend, book!

 

5 Years

  • New Car

    • Start looking at payment plans and have an idea when prices are cheap. If you see it earlier and you like it. BUY IT

  • 2nd House

    • Wait for 2 year mark then start reporting income

    • Start talking with parents to see where they want to do investments

  • 2 more countries on different continents

    • Itineraries ready! Gets you excited

  • Have a personal studio

 

10 Years

  • Open a coffee shop

    • Has bar in the evening

    • Work space

    • Studio space

    • Indoor and outdoor

    • Work rooms, wipe boards

    • Extra monitors and charging spots

    • Ask friends

      • What did you use most when studying

      • When creating

      • Coffee snob and pastry snob

Aprl 30 During my shoot yesterday we drove past a homeless shelter (with bobai and he boyfriend) and I couldnt stop talking about you. Those two are a really sweet couple and its funny how bobai watches luis because he is so ditsy. But anyways I couldnt stop talking about you. Those two are so freaking sweet and really just care about surrounding themselves with good humans and we were talking about volunteering together. And all I could mention was how we did that for your birthday and how much I love people like that. How much I loved that about you. I told them that it was a long time since I saw someone do something like you. And since then I havent met anyone like you. Made me happy to meet people that like to volunteer, made me happy to have spent time with you (someone who cares so much and tries her best), and it made me sad that you werent there. We sat and talked about how much we just wanted to be surrounded by good people that like to talk about the deep nuances of life and it felt like something you should be apart of with me. 

Anyways, like always, I know we have are tough days. Our bad days. The days where we dont see each other in the best light or get sacred of getting hurt, or miscommunication. But I love the good human you are. Every time I talk to a friend about our situation and they ( like all friends) try to protect us from being hurt, I tell them there is no need to worry. We dont mean to do it to each other and there are some things we just dont get/experienced differently. Hnin never means to do anything with ill intent and is such a good human. Its why I LOVE not loved her. And always will. Theres just things that got in our ways but I know her true heart and I know my feelings for her. Hope you had a wonderful weekend <3

Apr 29th I saw in the park yesterday talking about you. All I could talk about was you to thuy. I talked about the things that you do that make you so unique and special to me. I kept reflecting on things that I couldve controlled in the relationship involving me and things that i wish was communicated better between us. Then I talked about you all morning to my friend on the phone regarding men. How a mans mind is rooted in cultural norms and the expecation on them (which made me think about a book ive been reading). How despite how much I loved you there always creates this confusion and not a strong base. For example, ultimately my happy place is always in your arms at the end of the night. Doing events and talking to you is my comfort yet whuile we were apart in January I set up events to help protect myself from being sad at home in bed. (Currently me right now). Im happy I set up coachella for last week othewise I would have been crying by myself all weekend. I dont have friends that regularly see each other so I make an effort to have place somewhere so when my world comes crashing down Im not consumed by my depression. The thing is hnin i would have rather planned that weekend with you but the times I set things up you arent around. I want to go somewhere with you in may. I have painting stuff for us to use when it was warm. I want to do these things with you. 

Anyways I wanted us to start being around our friends groups more. I invited you to everything I had been doing on a weekly basis but didnt. force it because I knew it would take some time to adjust. I wanted to fully integrate you into my life but it always made you feel as if I was hiding you. I express about how much I love you everyday. 

But when you truly convince yourself that I do not care, that I do not love, that i do not think of all these things I feel like it really undermines my true feelings for you. I feel like you have these moments where you desperately want to convince yourself how much you hate me and thats all you see. Ugh it just sucks because I cant do the same even if everything easnt perfect.

Okay last post today because ultimately tonight I really want to get these edits done and try to workout for the first time all year and see how my injurires are. very excited to rest my body and mind tonight. BUT I find what makes me happy is writing and putting you into my best thoughts. I wish when things get heated it was a comfortable thing to take a step back, write, come back and hold you, and talk. I feel the best expressing my care for you, my understanding that you love me, and my understanding that we are both human. Out of all these posts between the reflections, the appreciations, the pouring, the apologies, everything I feel the best in thoughts of you and in the love of you. Theres a very high possibility that you stand by those feelings of hate for me. Theres a strong possibility that you may never read any of this. Theres a possibility that none of this will even matter because you will never believe it. Its delusional lol. But spilling my heart in the honestly to myself it what matters. I say these things because of what i feel. Before it was so crushing because I had desperately needed to let you know i loved you, make you believe how much I cared for you, make you understand. And it would be so forcive on you and ruin my life because I wouldnt be happy til you accepted it. Not now.  My heart is happy knowing how I feel about you. Everything in January had prepared me for anything between us because I know without doubt you are someone I see so much of my life with. No matter when or how I see you in my life. I love you and wont let it be any other way. Still heart breaking its not the way I always imagined but so encouraging that i know I feel this way regardless of situations or reactions. For once in my life my reaction isnt a reaction, but something Ive completely decided on. I love Hnin. I love you. And writing this right now uplifts my broken heart. And truly I know one day youll realize it too. Someway, somehow. 

I have another post about me planning to help myself when I was down so that I can feel an abundance of love. But thats for another day. I want to end todays post with a full heart that I am feeling right now and have a wonderful night in my house! Its been a year :) life, hnin, life. so much life. Also I hope you dont mind having days with tayto if you ever need her. shes been so happy lately and I love her so much. I hope you never hold yourself back from seeing her cause I know you like holding her too. 

April 28 The thing about coming to this space is that Im constantly torn between emotions. Some days all I want to do is write why I care so much for you, reflect on my personal reasons of where I could have improved, apologize for not being good enough, reminisce on moments with you the mean the world, share my day and thoughts, so many things. 

I just wish we had this place in person. It's back to me just writing to write. Its back to me sitting here along hoping that one day maybe youll see it and realize he never stopped. While he continued to walk through life she was always in his thoughts. 

Like Im not sure Hnin realizes how much she was the love of austin's life. (that's so weird that Im writing it in third person it just switched). But Austin has never wanted anything more in life than to make it work with Hnin. It's why he always came back after arguments. It's why he always wrote on the ig, tumblr, and here. Its why she takes up every waking moment of his thought. Is he dumb to hope theres a day where we are in the space to give each other what we need/want? Here's the thing. It goes 2 ways. Shes happy with someone or you make her happy yourself. But no matter what she is to be happy. Hnin happy and safe is what makes me happy too. The frustration of feeling like I am the antagonist causing so many issues when I dont mean to is the worst. Like I dont want to be this way. My brother used to tell me he doesnt want to be angry, sad, frusterated. But there are reasons for it that I needed to work out with him. I wanted to work on it with hnin with the limit of protecting her. But that conflicts and now shes hurting. fuck what am I writing. i guess I do write this to read and reanalyze later. I always hope that if she read this one day that it isnt taken for face value and judged for the exact wording of everything. This is also me processing and working through this too. I need to write one more time today. Maybe Ill delete this and reword it. 

Last part though is originally I was really sad about the block. LIke if you didnt want to see my stuff to help you why not just unfollow. Why remove me from your life too. But maybe you want to just protect both of us thinking its from the ebest especially from the post the other day.  I just feel ike reading your things and seeing your actions, when I look from a deeper version of you realizing that you do love me and you dont want to go through all this, I see the love for yourself and me. You are taking care of yourself because you are trying to put an abundance of love for yourself as you should. Im so happy for that. You deserve your full love and I need to understand that. ARGGHHH I just hope you, we, I heal. We have been through a lot and I know we are really special people in this world when we dont hurt. I hope you dont dim your light and I get to see the fire in you that I love so much. I hope we are both lit on fire one day. I hope we get to keep each other warm, I loved ones, and our inside self. k. that last paragraphy felt better. starting to realize how all these different posts make me feel. thatll be saved for my last post of the day :)

When I sit with you in the future I want your heart to be full. I want to ask how youre doing and I hope to hear an honest answer. Maybe some excitement to tell me youre happy. You feel like yourself. That you have incredible moment after incredible moment in your life. Free like youre dancing in the rain and have let it washed so much from you. Free and happy to where you parents are just happy watching you move through your life like your birthday and your mom watching you dance in the rain. Full of gratefulness in your life because of so much youve pulled together. And just enjoying the small things. I love the essence of you and wouldnt want to have you in my life if that was stolen from you. I want you in my life when you are full of the things that make you, you. Im so in love when that human I sit and see talk about life. I hope thatll be the version of you I get to come accross. I would give anything to be apart of all walks of your life but Im starting to understand that you dont need the version of me right now. It breaks my heart to think that I just didnt quite cut it and wasnt enough to help you. You are so fragile right now and I just have rough hands trying to hold something like a glass bird. I envision in my head trying to fix this glass bird with the tools I have and although it may work it isnt the tools that will help keep you together for long. Us holding each other isnt enough. Us trying over and over again isnt enough. Its getting it right the first time so you dont keep falling apart. 

I just want you to be happy. Ive never wanted so much happiness for someone in my whole life. If you can imagine me crying at coachella seeing aaron and carter I cant imagine the emotions Id go through to know all the callings in your life has been. answered. My heart would literally burst :)

April 27th Ive been blocked. Removed from you life. You want nothing else to do with me. You want to heal away from me. You just need to be away. I get it. I hope you hold your head high, I hope your friends and loved ones hold you. tight, and I hope your heart is held gently. I want to run there and never let go but I feel like itll only hurt you more if I go over there and not stop. I dont know what to do right now. Im scared once again. I just dont want to hurt you any more. I dont want to do things that will make you hate me. I feel like the longer I am in your life the more I was someone you hated and saw nothing in. 

I love you so much. Im so grateful for you. And still hope theres another day for us in any aspect. I just want you to be happy and really wanted myself to be the one that brought it. Maybe I just wasnt strong enough. I cant wait until I get another chance to hold you again Hnin. 

I feel you

I sit here and read and cherish everything I have from you. Not once, but over and over again. Your letter I read while I was at coachella (that I carry every single day) and now the letter you last this weekend I keep rereading it. Originally it brought sadness and I had felt anger from it. Just as if you were ready to convince yourself that nothing good came out of us. And as I keep reading it I now feel your love and your pain. The way you see us, the hope you had for us, the happiness to know that we think about each other in all moments of our lives even when we have so much going on. I dont think I have ever thought of someone as much as I have you. Then there's the pain. You reflecting on the moments you were hurt and all the times we never resolved those situations and came to an understanding or full apology, Honestly I dont think I apologized for things early on in our relationship until now (like really dive into what I was doing wrong). Its really crazy to see how much we've grown even though it feels like stand still. We really have changed so much from those early days and it feels so much more complicated now because you arent just someone new to me. You are someone with so much history and someone I want to do so much for. Like at this point it doesnt even feel like an option to not have you in my life. Before maybe I couldve run away but not now. 

Im so happy that you wrote a letter to me. Im so happy to have your birthday gift. Im so happy to have our photo. If you no longer had a use for it, its something that I need and always wanted. So grateful to get any communication from you because it feels like Im the only writing all the time and it gets lonely. I honestly had no idea you were reading this and felt like after you didnt. reply that you never wanted anything to do with me again, I wouldve honestly kept my insecurities in check on here more so that it wouldnt have hurt you. Im so stupid for just writing aimlessly on here so much. 

idk, I just need to sleep and work right now. thats all my mind can handle while my heart processes so much of this. I saw that you mentioned you like to hang out with people that dont know the pain that youre going through between us. and maybe I do too. maybe thats why it was easier to cry to my cousin that visited the other nigh (she met you the very first time we started talking), or jenn when I explain why I didnt think I could ever let you go (also cried then LOL), and although aarons knows everything I was happy to just cry in silence in chic fil a yesterday. Theres a sense of no judgement from certain people. and honestly. it just makes my heart happy that i can love, be sad, and etc when it comes to you in those moments. 

I just want to lay in bed and talk to you. I wanted to tell you why coachella was so important to me. During calving harris we were dancing in the dessert and carter came to hung me and just told me how happy he was. Then we went over to aaron and all three of us hugged. Then I just see aaron cry in the corner of my eye. Then I stepped back and just cried. I was so happy to be there. I was so happy to see two people in my life who have tried to kill them selves be so full of life. And I had cried just thinking how grateful I am for my life. How grateful I am for you, How right life is to be. Even despite everything my life is wonderful and I had the chance to have you in it. I then got sad and cried about you no being there. Coachella showed me how beautiful the world is, how big and how many people are in this world, and how so many unexpected things just pop up. I was so grateful for this life and want you to continue being part of this life. I know that for a fact. Life is hard but so many amazing things come out of it. 

I hope I keep that memory forever. I hope I keep that feeling forever. I hope I keep the love I experienced with you forever. We dont always react the way we want but I really felt like we were the only ones that understood this delusion. So in the end thanks for loving me so strongly and letting me love you too. Im so fucking. grateful for you and will never say otherwise. I dont hate anything of you and you can never convince me to. We are human and had our lows but that is not anywhere close for me to hate my experience with you. I know that deep in my heart. 

NO NO NO NO NO

I cant agree to this. I love you. Every time we fight, every time we hold each other, every time I think of you I want it to be you. I know there are really hard times where it feels that we arent getting what we want from each other but I refuse to believe we cant change that. You and I have always been the two people that can do anything. We both see each other and thing the either of us can accomplish anything and I refuse to believe we are something that we cannot. Ive genuinely never met someone else like you and know thats why we were so unique. I get it sounds delusional and insane to try over and over again. But I want it to be us so bad. Thats why I messaged you the next day to reflect on myself. Thats why we are so scared of not being enough for each other. I love you more than anything else in this world. Ive been so grateful of every moment with you in my life. I know its been hard and I know mentally we have been beat up but I still wouldnt trade any experience with you. We had a lot of confusion in our relationship but when it was straightforward and we just loved each other we were perfectly fine and I dont want to pull myself back to that confusion. I made the decision in January that I loved you and Im standing by that no matter what. Im holding onto you no matter what. I decided and will not let you walk out of my life without knowing that. 

As for the texting I get that I lied to you and it took time to stop. I swear I did stop and I swear it was not intimate in the sense that we even liked each other. We even distinguished that we were both friends and thats it I promise. In the time that we texted we havent seen each other and you KNOW how I came. home to see you and couldnt wait to be with you those two days. Just like you needed time to get away from your boyfriend I didnt just want to ghost her out of respect. But I PROMISE there was nothing. However it doesnt change the fact that I did text her. And I admit to being totally wrong and hurtful in that. But Im asking you to please please understand this is a misunderstnading like the sweater where you have to trust me when I tell you my intentions. 

If you decide not to be with me I just want you to make that decision on no longer loving me not the reaction to something youve seen and assume my feelings are different. Please know every time things were hard Im always wanting to be next to you. Even that night after Laurens I wanted to just drive to my house and just be there with you. 

I dont know what else to say. I dont know if there is anything else I can say. 

Im going to keep writing but I dont want to let this go when Ive become so sure of you and you have chosen me, Please know I dont want to let this go. I love you so much. 

My heart feels like it shattered into a million pieces and it feels like something that is never going to heal without you. Yet at the same time right now it also feels like we dont have the place to heal ours together. 

Ive never felt so hopeless for love in my life. 

We are the same person

Maybe that was the comfort we had in each other. Ill never forget when I first met you how much I loved your outlook on life and  how much we agreed on our opinions of other people. Like we have the same taste in humans, in life, in love. We want the same things, get hurt by the same things, react on the same things. It's weird because even though we had trouble understanding each other during arguments we thought and react similar ways. 

Maybe that was the comfort in you. Like although we had trouble understanding each other there was the comfort understanding that we were the same. I just keep trying to understand what made us so delusional and comfortable in that sense. Because my heart hurts so much not understanding why we would hang on because you and I arent the time to put ourselves through pain just because we want to. We are very good at saying no to the things we dont like. So why did we hang on?

Maybe it was the comfort in knowing we were the same. The comfort in feeling a connection that we never had with anyone else. Although we didnt provide the care and qualities we looked for we had an innate understanding of our inner workings and values. And when we drift were the moments where we coulndt understand why one of us would react one way. Anyways I still feel that with you. 

I feel the pain, I feel the love, I feel the anger, I feel the yearning for life and so much. This breaks my heart to think that it exploded during reactions and the involvement in alcohol. I was so happy leaving audien with you. 

Delusional 

We were delusional? Perhaps. When we think of why we held on so long yet lacked what we wanted for ourselves and what we wanted to do for each other we really did seem crazy. I believe at one point we even both agreed that we were crazy and wanted to be crazy together. It made me happy back then to think that we could just be crazy together and hold on and now I feel so guilty because since then there were three moments where we were hurting bad. 

I woke up this morning in pain. Just like every time we wake up never thinking we will be with each other again I feel a pit in my heart and honestly want to stop life. I want to run away too because anything involving you hurts when it isnt us together. Like I read that heartbreak and sadness is so close to the portion of the brain that processes pain and thats why it hurts so much in my chest and between my throat. Ive been in so much pain every time we fight and every time we separate. 

The hardest part about last night is that I dont agree that I can only reflect on pain. I've always seen a different side of our relationship and even now can only care for those moments that made my heart melt. Maybe I am still delusional? Maybe I want to deny your reality of every moment that went wrong. 

Theres more to all of those stories than what had just been said in those letters. But bottomline is you are hurt right now and dont think you ever got/will get anything from me. 

I will never hate you. No matter how much pain and wrongs I feel that can be made I can never hate you. I made my resolve in January that I love you no matter what. And maybe that was the unconditional love I was talking about.

 

The unconditional love I needed to understand should have based on me not reacting and learning in those moment it doesnt matter what you do/think. Control those emotions and create an environment for us to talk. I need to learn how to create that enviorment no matter what. (Ive over reacted to aaron, chris and carter this weekend at seperate times not being in control of my emotions. I need to be in control of my emotions).

Ultimately I cant stop loving you. I guess that was the unconditional love I meant back then. Day after day I would go back to you. Maybe I am crazy and I dont know why. My friends mentioned doing things without change is insanity and we were both insane. Dammit Im rambling again. 

Also-- the drugs. Like I feel like the drugs really tell me my inner workings and thoughts of you. Its absoultely crazy to think I see you everywhere with the drugs. I guess it means this entire world reminds me of you and thats the scary part because I could never escape my "delusion" of feeling that you are in every part of my life.

This post has derailed, but so thankful to have that picture of us and that you didnt throw it away. I feel so much from it and sometimes feel like someone put a magic charm on it. Maybe it was me. Maybe I put it all there, 

So my friends fought last night. It was a couple that seemed really happy but we wont get into the details.

What I did want to tell you is that they were very excited to see an artist together. A headliner., And all I wanted to tell the, was that I know they are sad, mad, hurt but this was a moment that they were both excited for together and that they really wanted to dance to. And regardless of the specific situation whether they were together or not I really wanted them to enjoy the moment together that they waited for so long. Hold each other, drop the pain for a second and at least have this moment in their minds forever. It made me think of how I just wanted certain moments to just enjoy and keep in my mind forever. Where we just drop the anger and dance on top of the roof in mexico or we end the evening after levitt pavillion when we hold on. Or anything along those lines. Like if we brought our minds back for a second overall things would be great. Im just tired of holding on to so much pain when we are at the brink of something so happy and well. LIke cant we just be good long enough to be comfotable to do all the things we dream and talk of together? Can we just let those thigns go? I dont want to hold onto that hurt anymore. Its not for me. And I know you arent in the best place but Im not holding onto that no more. Thats why I will always send that extra message and not just run away in a moment. Not here to every pull that and makke you feel that I am just running from you. Ugh I need to rewrite all of these posts when I can sit but Im going to the airport and  ready to be home. 

WHAT AM I DOING   

Ive been leaving the group to type in my notes everyday to process my feelings from everything recently and still feel it so heavy. Im tired of feeling so heavy and not having a trace of you. You do so well at letting go. You do so well at moving on when you mind is made. And you already did it once and am probably on your way to doing it again. Im stupid to think that youd hold on and stay forever. Maybe youre right people are that people are temporary. Im so fucking tired of holding on so hard to people who wont hold on to me no matter what. After your last boyfriend now all that runs through my mind is that you are so open to being with other people ant not actually really meaning how you want really truly holding on. And now those intrusive thoughts everytime I see you wearing someone elses stuff and being around others is flooding in. I was really believing otherwise a month ago when we talked that we were going to hold on to each other and figure it out and now Im sitting here without you. 

I get it though. youre doing it for yourself. youre protecting yourself and seeing me for something that youve come to believing that I am. You no longer trust or believe the person I am because of so many other things flooding your mind and you are in a flight mindset. 

*breathe*

I did shrooms and thought I saw you at coachella. I laid in the grass last evening while thousands of people danced thinking how many people are on this earth and how it would have been nice to sit in your arms. I thought about the clothes youd wear at coachella and I honestly walked away from the group to cry a few times. And even tearing up right now. This trip has been one of the most special trips ever in my life and yet there still a huge part of it I associate with you even though you are no where. In moments of pure happiness in aarons and carters arm I still cry because youre not a part of it. 

I guess the last part is that my friend jenn had grabbed my (drunk so she probably didnt remember) and said "austin, I dont know if you know this but you look so sad when no one is looking". I replied "yeah, I am" then I disappeared to cry. This shit with you breaks my heart. And really wanted our souls to trust and take care of each other. But i guess Im foolish to think that it was possible. I was so dumb to believe it with my full heart. I didnt think you would ever have let me go if I hung on with all my heart this time. Im so so dumb, I should have just known. 

ahhhhhh okay. 

gonna pull out your note during fred agains set. maybe it wont make me so sad anymore. I actually grabbed it during bulletproofs set at two friends by accident and felt like it was a highpower telling me to grab it through you. 

holy crap im rabling today and my notes were so much more organized about specific things I was talking about. 

anyways I want my sweater back. Id appreciate if you didnt take back a present you got from me so Ill have to shoot you a mesage soon. Im just scared because you havent had a lick of interaction with me since that night. and scared to cross your boundary but I dont want you to take a gift back. i rememebr you mentioned you didnt like that when ryan did that and I dont wnat you to do that to me. your things mean a lot to me because its all I have of you....

ughhh I just want to write forever because i wanna get it out of my head but no amount of writing will ever be enough. 

*deep breathe*

alright austin, one more day :) 

DO I NOT LOVE MYSELF Do I love you so much that I dont love myself? What am I doing? Im sitting here wanting to talk to you everyday and suffering because the feeling is mutual. I want to talk to you so bad that I sit here and write where no one will read. I sit there thinking of excuses to text you like asking for my sweater that you bought for my birthday back, like asking to return the basketball/ your clothes, anything. 

I want to run to your house in the snow so its just cold enough to keep each other warm in the car. But no thats crazy now. If you dont want to reply to me you really probably never want to talk to me again. Driving yesterday I had my heart drop to my stomach thinking of all the possibilities of never talking to you again and you moving on thinking that I gave up reaching out to you. But I feel so foolish everytime I reach out after you stop replying, after you say you dont want to do it anymore, after you walk away from me. I feel so foolish for always crawling back and asking you to hang on. 

It takes so much energy to get passed my fearfulness if I should reach out or I should respect you space. It gives me so much turmoil if you really mean that you never want to have anything to do with you ever again or if you really want me to hang out and stay forever. Im just stupid. You hate these letters and yet here I am writing them just because I dont know where else to pour these feelings to anymore. My heart is so damn heavy with this love for my person and its only mine to hold. 

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shroom sunday this is a post from the tumblr--I saw this girl sitting by the lake when I was tripping. my friends noticed me staring and arthur later said I was a creep. I had no idea anyone noticed. I never saw her face directly. she sat there with head phones on and was stretching and just sitting there. a dog ran up and something made me keep staring. she finally gets up and I see a glimpse of her face and I swear I thought it was you. I almost walked over but it wasnt you. it wasnt your clothes it wasnt your head phones. it wasnt you. but I swear I thought it was. to the point I just called her you in my head.

you began to walk away down the path. as a photographer it was the most photographici pass where you walked into a light. and then I cried. hnin was leaving my life. in peace. and not knowing I was watching her the entire time. I began to tear up and I guess claudia just watched me the entire time. 

ultimately I just wanted to be in your arms thats why I asked for you later that night. I knew we had recently got into it over the swearter which was why I was scared if you were in a good mindset or had a lot to talk about. I didnt know how to tell you over text but I just wanted to be in your arms in my bed. but I didnt want it to sound like i conveniently wanted you when I needed you. I just wanted your comfort. not because anything was bad but becasue that is what I look for when I roll or trip. is you. maybe thats why i try to stay away from it. Idk what it is in my brain but thats what happened that day. I also loved being around my brother. we get to talk about a lot and ive grown close to him. so all three of us talked there and then I got to go upstairs with you. idk thats the visuals I had when I was tripping. that was my journry. I also really loved the music in the park and being in nature. everyething else was too much for me. I havent really told anyone about my trip until this second. but writing about it really makes me think about what my brain was telling me. telling me about my relationship with nature, with you, and music. 

Just wished for one summer I was looking forward to one summer with you. I just wanted one summer underneath the warm sun. one summer where we got to do enjoy things outside and not be kept up inside. one summer where we got to be with tayto. one summer where we had so much in the world to do. I cant believe we arent even going to get that one summer. I was looking forward to your birthday at your house when you brought it up and it didnt happen. and this time I was looking forward to our summer. dammit all. 

Apr 18th, I know I know. We have both taken so much out of each other. Not willingly but we have both drained each other and not put each other in the best mental state. Our friends see it, we feel it, its known. I just want it so badly to work between us because there is no one else in this world I want to hold on to more than you. We dont want to put each other in the pain of me continuing to being reactive while you need love to help cultivate you and while I need someone to stay strong by my side. Simply we are both not in the place to be there for each other and thats why we both feel so left and forgotten and not loved by each other and I know we both love each other so much and dont want to put each other through that. I know we never intentionally want to do these things to each other but we are both in fragile states. 

Crazy thing is I dont want to try with anyone else. Despite how painful this is I told claudia and kelly that its something I cant give up. They described us as a drug to each other and I agree because I feel like I so desperately need your soul in my life.

Its whats been taking my for capacity these last couple days and. well. yeah. I just wanted to say time and time again. I guess no matter how bad things are I guess these end up how my feelings are. Wanting to stay by your side no matter how bad things are. I just dont want to hurt you anymore and I dont want to be hurt anymore. I guess Im writing here to respect your decisions because if I keep messaging you when you dont want to hear from me Ill be forcing you into a conversation with me when you dont want to. As usual I have lots to pour out. And I wanted to do it hugging you. I wanted to ask for my sweater back and drop your clothes and basketball off. But no. I will just keep writing here. You know whats better for you and maybe carving me out of your life is right. 

They asked why I loved you.

I sat in a circle with my friends last night and asked why I loved you. Regardless if you ever see this, here's why. It doesnt just stop where you mentioned that you said you'd always be there for me. Because if it did I would have drifted long ago. It started seeing you take care of so many people. Especially your parents. Seeing a girl who group up taking care of her parents and taking care of her self gave me the idea of someone strong and that didnt question what she was dealt with in life. Then wanting to help the homeless. You dont know everything in the world but you try your best. I saw my mom in you where you love so many things and people, I saw my brother in you where you were always by my side having moments only you and I would understand, and I saw my dad in you. Expressing love to each other in ways we didnt understand. At times I tried so hard because maybe if it couldnt work out with you, someone I love so much, how can I ever make a relationship with my dad work too? My mom also made me feel as if I ran away from everything in life and from my first relationship and I never wanted to do that with you. I loved you because you gave me a reason and belief that we loved each other more than what anyone else would say. I hope the essence of you never changes. My heart hurts so much thinking about how much I love you because we are at a point where we cant even message each other. I hate how life turned out between us.

Austin-- please please please dont hold any heaviness in your heart moving on from all of this. Please remember hnin for who she is and what you love. regardless if what happens in the future this is the hnin you love. 

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April 17th

I hope youre doing okay. Even if you we never get to talk again I hope youre doing okay and know that I am always thinking about how you are feeling. My heart is heavy with concern right now. 

March 20

After Friday night when I asked if you needed a moment and I walked Tayto I kept telling myself and saying it during the walk that I love you. I want to make this work. And kept repeating it. I'm not going to lie when we were talking and I was trying to get a point across in the sense of trying to get you to understand that we need to talk to each other from a place of care when our emotions were high it felt so hard to get across to you. Both that night and the night we had after we sat at the bar for drinks I kept reminding myself to hold you and be patient. However, both of those times I also lost myself before I got to that point. I'm doing better, but it can't always be like this. I have an abundance of love right now to be able to continue doing this but lets make sure it doesn't run out with me pouring it all out. We both know what it is like to love with every last drop of ourselves and I dont want EITHER of us to get back to the point where we run out of love trying to love the other. We need to take care of each other before that. 

This weekend was tough for me because originally this was suppose to be the weekend where I re-found myself. This was the weekend I surrounded myself with loved ones so I didnt feel lonely thinking you were in a relationship. Every one of these people came to be with me and lift me up especially Friday night. I wasn't concerned with seeing socheata and our other friends which is why I made no definite plans with them, and I had my focus on sitting and talking very intimately with my cousins and friends. Like sitting with Neathra and Carter meant the world for me and usually after nights like that I go home and sleep with my heart so filled not crying. 

Also another thing is being able to effectively communicate our feelings in public and keeping ourselves well into we are private. Wow I guess that was some anxiousness linked to us when I woke up yesterday and I havent realized it until I began writing. 

I'm sorry that we are both feeling like this. I just want to make you at ease. I guess I started readjusting my lifestyle without noticing it these last couple weeks to help cope with how I thought our life and "friendship" was going to be. I guess originally I thought this last weekend was going to be my mental transition to love you from afar and be happy and accept what life throws at me. 

I do want to assure you that I love you so much and that hasnt changed. Aaron could hear it in my voice and here see the patience I had on the phone. I asked him that if I wasnt in control of myself during our phone call for him to ask me to stop talking on the phone. He said and noticed some other things too but maybe we can talk about it in person. 

March 15

Last night was so nice. Even though it was late I slept so well. It feels right being in your arms. I faintly remember you asking me questions when I was asleep but cant really remember the basis of all the questions. I do remember you saying you werent planning to pursue anything with me right after a break up and wanted to see how devoted I was to you. That's fair because I would like time to show it as well. 

Im a little worried about that fact that I made so many life plans and dont want you to feel second in my life to other things. So maybe a weekend get away then possibly a couple date nights that arent just dinner. 

I think we both understand now how it has to be each other and am proud of both of us yesterday putting aside our feelings of jealousy and being hurt. I was always scared that Id lose you from not understanding things when I explained it but last night talking about my past made me feel patience from you. 

Anyways I hope you have a good day, works been kicking my ass and 2:30 is the first time I've sat down. I'll text you later, but I think Im gonna watch netflix with aaron because he wanted to hang out with me last night. Itd be really cool if you wanted to spend st pattys day with my cousins or even come by for mimosas with some people you may not know. But Im sure you have mutuals with lots of them. Im not sure how you feel about being around my personal friend group on sunday for movies, but there is that too!

March 13

Good morning, I have the tumblr ready to launch but I do want it to be a bit more private like this website. So I'm not going to post everything on there until I have all the bugs worked out. 

Anyways, I hope you are having a wonderful weekend <3. Tbh I froze and started tearing up at dinner the other day when I saw you with that guy in another state. It's not like I can say anything about it because I DID want you to explore what is right for you. But it was just tough seeing because I had spent last weekend with you, I wanted to hear from you all week and kinda felt like I was crumbling thinking your attention was on the other guy, then I saw you with him taking a spontaneous trip with him to a different state with our friends (when I tried so hard to take you to do our trips here). Idk it was tough. Nothing on you, which is why it was so hard for me to write because I was trying to navigate my feelings and my reactions. You did everything I wanted you to do in terms of yourself. I guess this ties back to one of my early posts last week feeling like things are so hidden and not understanding what is going through your head and wishing you were straight foward regarding your thoughts and feelings about all of this. Like if I didnt see kevins video would I have ever found out? Would you have wanted to call me?

Ugh so much went through my head this weekend where I tried to navigate and recenter my thoughts. I love you and am trying my best to stay strong in my feelings and foundation. 

One thing that I can reassure. was that after I had my mini breakdown I dinner, I pivoted and made sure I was in control of the rest of my evening and just fell into the arms of my friends.  I actually had a pretty incredible weekend and am looking forward to the next weekend and week after that. Same thing I told kevin, Im okay :) I love you lots and am very happy you got to experience something I waited so long to experience. Looks like youre having fun out there, you deserve to be happy and free.  Also you look beautiful.

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March 10 part 2

I always wished when I started rambling and go on and on about worries that you would just grab my head and kiss me, smile, and say it doesnt matter I love you. Shut me up by kissing me. and if I kept talking just keep kissing me. 

the other day you said you wish you could write back or react. what if I made a tumblr? it'd be easier for me to upload and write. I cant reblog pictures that make me think of you. and I can make it private so its just us following each other. WAIT I LOVE THAT. Im going to make us a tumblr to live out our tumblr days. and there maybe I dont have to feel like im talking to a void. maybe I can see a light of you there with me. 

March 10

Will I drunk call you this weekend? Will I stumble to your house? Will I get to see you? Stay tuned haha because I miss you and wouldnt put it passed me. Anyways I watched that movie below last night and it was cute I loved the things Ashton kutcher did and how he still loved her despite what he saw. And thought he could act otherwise but he just simply loves her. It ended quick but its funny to see her ask him why didnt you tell me you loved me after so long? And to be frank, thats why Im here. I wanna tell you that everyday I can so that you dont think otherwise. Id much rather wake up every morning, give you a kiss, and do that. But like you said I cant expect that in my life I just have to accept situations and be here. 

Anyways I hope you have a weekend where you are taking care of. I want you relaxed and recentered this weekend. Id love for us to get a massage together. Or massage each other haha. Anyways I love you. I hope I get through this weekend without thinking about how sad I am that we arent together LOL... tough. tough. tough. okay bye. 

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the other night, on the counch, in each others arms (and your phone call)

both times you mentioned something along the lines being scared youre making a mistake and not wanting to waste time. I know you my not remember it, but I want you to be certain when you fall in love with me. I keep saying you cant make a wrong decision because you are full of love and will thrive in whatever decision you make. I dont want you to be scared when you fall in love with me. I want you running into my arms out of excitement to be with me and everything to come with me everyday afterwards. I hope one day you are as certain about this as I am. I always see posts archived, stories cut, and even telling me to drive away from your house I just feel hidden at times true feelings are hidden. I know our feelings for each other right now. We were so close the other night at jokoy and I wanna go over there and tell you to come home with me... but I cant tell you to be with me. I want you to come choose me. omg this is ramble. Ill clean it up tomorrow.

something to dream about tonight

just say the word and lets go. pictures at sunset, hikes during the day, dinner at night cuddling by the fire, and a beer or two before making love all night. and you see that guitar too? 

our favorite place and then we roam the city after one night away from everything. 

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I've seen you once a week for the last month.

what am I complaining about? I've seen once a week every week for the last month haha you need to get out of your head Austin. I'm actually so grateful because every single one of those days were actually so amazing and felt so incredible. Like every time I've seen you this last month was amazing and as much as I wish we just fell into everyday life together wowowow. I get to have all that with you while you are happy. perspective. 

Mar 9

I know I write a lot but it's getting hard for me. Not in the sense that I dont have anything to talk about but in the sense of pouring my heart into this everyday and not knowing if it even matters. Pouring my love into this knowing that I cant receive that full love back because you chose someone else seems crazy. To sit hear everyday saying I love you while you have a boyfriend is absolutely insane on my part. And nights I sit here missing you, you are communicating how much you care for someone else. It made me a bit sad for myself. I thought I should stop writing for a couple days to get recentered. 

BUT the reason I didnt stop is because I reminded myself the reason I was doing this. It isnt for validation from you, or an outcome to make you breakup with him. It was to reassure my love for you and so that I never get to miss my chance with you. It was to keep filling your heart with my love everyday you read it so you could feel me next to you. Holding on to you.

There is no time limit or expiration on my love for you. If you come back to me it's supposed to be on your own pace. On your own terms. 

At any moment I hesitate I yell to myself, dont be scared to love her. Dont doubt your love for her just because you dont see/talk to her. Dont be embarrassed when you feel like she doesnt love you back or her attention lies else ware. 

If you be certain in yourself and your feelings you are no longer reactive. You are your true self and honest with how you feel. I love Hnin so fucking much. Keep living your life Austin and keep being honest with how you love. I'll never have a regret for loving hnin so much. 

Mar 8 good night

1.She's the moon in human form.

2.Her love is pure and sweet and the world doesnt taste quite the same after her.

3.She has too much sould to be involved with someone who isnt passionate 

4.She's the most abundance a human can be,

 

Mar 8 evening

I miss you everyday by why so much more today? Why do I want to run over there and take you home? I almost slept all night but I got up cooked and listened to music. Trying to find ways to keep my mind from constantly wondering over to you. Is it the same for you? Any of this? The heart ache, the day dreams, the thoughts, the lingering for more? Even when in Japan I know Ill think this way just like when you were in Aspen. Just sitting here planning Japan my mind wraps around how I want you to see and eat things with me. How I wanna run with you to take pictures at team lab planets or the mt fuji gates. The boat with cherry blossoms. You in pink. I cant just turn this off. Even when I sleep you would think I would stop thinking about you for a moment but you always find a way in there with me. I cant remember if you said this last night on the phone or if it was in my dream but I remember you said I'm always going to be like this because I refuse to stop. And then I replied, of course I dont want to stop because it has to be you. I hate not waking up next to you. I miss our cuddles. I miss smelling you. I miss that feeling when our faces are close together right before we kiss. I miss that tension and then kissing you and not letting you go. I miss everything about you and I just dont know what to do. 

Mar 8 should have done this at 5am last night

I've been itching to write this since last night, but there is no better way then to start my day writing to you. First, I just wanted to call you because I miss you. I love hearing your voice. And you picking up the phone makes my heart jump. I just like talking to you I dont know how it got into a conversation about everything else because I wasnt thinking about any of those other things. I was just sleepy and didnt realize the conversation took a turn about other things. I just like ending my night with you. And if not in my arms then in my heart. 

Second, when I said time doesnt matter. I meant because I told you I'm here for you forever. Not that I didnt care for it. Of course I'd love to have you in my arms now but I always am a big advocate for taking your time to go through your motions. I know we have been through a lot, I know there is a lot of trust and security to build, I know we both need time to understand ourselves, our wants, experience the world, and people. I NEVER wanna rush you. Time and going at a pace has always been important to me and I want you to live your life at the timing you deem best. That is what makes the healthiest version of you, me, anyone. I miss you but I have all the time in the world for you. No day is wasted when its for something greater. 

Finally, I have to keep writing. I have to keep loving you without expecting anything in return. Because the moment I get sad from not hearing from you. The moment I think of the other guy. The moment I get scared that Im talking to myself is the moment I let fear back in. There is no room for that. I love you thats the bottom line and I cant question the feeling of you in my heart. It's been tough. And its starting to feel like a rollercoaster again since we dont stay in each others arms. But let me get off the rollercoaster of what is happening and get on the ride of loving you. Because thats stable and consistent. 

I just see you in every moment in my life where I want you in my arms. "Everyday, everyday, everyday, everyday-Manilla Killa" 52 seconds onwards is where I thought of you this morning <3

Mar 7

Here's my thing today. Living life not together is dumb. A little blunt but doing these things in life not with someone who you know you are suppose to feels a little foolish. Everytime I'm doing something it has always felt like that. And we do things we like with other and we are happy doing them. But not doing it together feels like a portion of it is missing while we are still happy with our lives and now. we just feel a portion of ourselves missing when living life separately. Does that change over time? Do you fill it in with someone else? Do we ever really enjoy things the same?

Idk I have goosebumps writing this thinking about our interactions on our good nights. And it just felt comfortable. Maybe its because I havent felt that comfort with someone else in so long. Im glad you have though. I just cant seem to imagine it right now. Or maybe I dont want to. 

Stay warm, dont get sick. I hope your dad is doing okay <3

Mar 6

Not me starting off the day talking to my coworkers about how much I enjoyed jokoy lol. I was helping my friends navigate through their anxious attachment and etc yesterday and it's funny because it all advice I've been taking myself and stuff that I want to keep working on. And talking thinking in terms of us and you is honestly so refreshing because it helps me continuously revisit our relationship.

I keep telling them the same stuff Ive been telling myself that keeps me at peace. Like a big concern of theirs is that their person is with/talking to someone else. Or that they question whether or not their person loved them after moving on and feeling like a fool. Being in control of their emotions.

I guess all I could tell them is you should love or care for people in a non reactionary way. And I dont know how deep of a connection they had with their person but I was telling them how I've come to the point about you where Im gonna love you the same way regardless if I get a reply, whether you love me back, or anything of the sort. Because that's truly how I feel and it brings me peace knowing my truth. I told them to stop worrying about looking stupid or foolish to others or in their head for feeling how they feel. 

I also told them to create a boundary for themselves to help them control their emotions. Not everything has to relate/define them as a person. That's where their self esteem takes a dive and they are not defined by the love of another person. 

I guess overall what I was thinking in terms of us was that I love you regardless. Whether or not you are my girlfriend it isn't a reflection of your love for me or my worth. I know you love me. I know I'm someone that makes you happy. I know that we have a connection that we've never experienced. And I know a series of events lead us to this point. I will continue to love you because of the feeling deep inside of me that I get when Im with you and thats the feeling that I trust. I cant be reactionary because if people stay like that they will never be their true self and only change based on situations, events, and sometimes assumptions. 

Another monday morning rant that probably ended up with me talking a lot lol. Have a good week. I'm excited for this week to clean and to be our and about. I like to see the world and see you in it rather than sit at home lost in my thoughts with you. 

I cant wait to see you again...

Mar 5 goodnight

You know what I think about during my walks? That my love wasn't enough to be chosen to hold onto in the end despite everything. Just speaking honestly here so that this isn't just place of highlights of our love for each other. But this overwhelming love and certainty ended up not being all that was needed and it would be crazy to think so otherwise. A little disheartening but it makes sense.

That's why I've been so happy with these little moments with you because what was needed was opportunities to prove how awesome our times together could be.  And also reaffirm the feelings we have for each other. That's why ill take these moments as friends and try time and time again to prove how right this can be. Cause moments like all the ones I've been recapping fills my heart so much.

I just feel a bit guilty in the sense of being hidden. Am I doing a disservice to you? A disservice to the other guy you respect so much? Is he allowing our friendship to be a thing or is this all hidden?

Trust me I love every moment of being so close to you, but I dont want you to resent me one day if our intimacy isnt something that is allowed. Maybe thats why i find it easier to sit outside your house and write rather than call you out and be in your arms. In the past I wasnt sure if it was okay that I was there and even now Im not sure if its okay for me to sit outside calling for you. 

Had to find a way to articulate all this before the week... 

Lot of things had been going through my mind, but so much of it was worth it for my night with you. 

Some other nights I think was comparable to this weekend were daughter thais anniversary, your birthday dinner where we went to beninhannas and the mall, new years at bens, said the sky, our first time at ikea, and honestly all of our more recent moments together actually. 

good night, hnin

Mar 5

Wow, what a night last night was with you... sitting in a small restaurant, laughing, holding you in my arm during the show singing, sitting at a random bar for shots. Just a night that felt right. Dropping you off was hard and writing this weekend was tough. I didnt see your text the other day and thought I wouldnt hear from you, then I got your call friday night. and then we had last night. Like what a wonderful surprise life is at time. Its tough because I dont know the next time we get time together and it's scary because I cant expect to see you anytime soon and then it seems like you slip out of my life temporarily. I woke up at 3am last night and couldnt sleep til like 5am. I wanted to call you. And I know I can and that youd welcome me with open arms. But for some reason last night I just laid there. 

You aren't mine and Im just blessed that you allow me in your life to enjoy our time together. Of course I stand by what I said at stanley marketplace. I want you in any crevasse of my life I can get you in. I need to keep in mind the boundaries we have set and cant expect anymore than that. Im just going to accept what I can get from you when I can and accept anything our future leads us to.

Still so much love, so much happiness, and quite a heavy heart. ARGHHH what night :)

happy.

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Mar 3

Did you feel me? Anyone outside of us would think we are freaking crazy. And maybe we are. I remember you telling me to keep living my life, but it's so hard to keep doing these things when the life I wanna live is with you. I keep thinking back to all these movies and wondering do you see a future with someone else rather than me? 30 years down the road? do they put your soul at east when the world crashes down? do you think youll fall in love with them?

haha these are dumb questions to ask. of course you wouldnt know. and of course theres a reason why youre not in my arms.  and of course Im just sitting here always holding on. i know myself and my heart all too well. 

is it unfair to YOU that I sit here and tell you I love you everyday? If you love me fully again one day I just want it to be without doubt so that we can flourish and I guess thats why I keep sitting here. because I want any possible love with you to be without doubt. I've never been okay with a situation like this. yet for you I think I'd do anything. maybe I am just crazy. crazy in love or maybe just crazy. k. lets get the day going :) hope you're smiling today. hope you have a weekend with friends and loved ones. hope your studying is well. hope you are just so, so happy. that makes me feel better. just hoping that everything that serves you is for you. yeah. that makes my heart full after writing that. 

Mar 2

Good morning! It's weird to not know how you're doing. Sometimes it's like I talk to myself in an empty room, but you happen to be on the other side of the door listening. As I sit on this rollercoaster of missing you and accepting what is. I keep hearing the words of you telling me to accept things in my life as it comes. And I guess that's all I can do while continuing to feel and think the way I do. I screen shotted a couple songs that I feel speak to me describing our thoughts for each other but the video I wanted to share today is something that made me think of us sitting in my room the other night. Spending my night in with aaron and thuy was really nice and helped me get my bearings straight this week. 

Anywhoo, enjoy the video. I hope you're having an incredible week. Slowly accepting life for what is while still loving you everyday. Miss you & love you as always. 

Feb 28

That's the thing about dreams. Waking up just seems to be nothing but less than them. What a weekend. From messaging you during work on friday, a call on saturday, and holding you sunday. Now I just go back to reality? 

Just like you said I cant expect anything and only accept what is. You could tell I was on a high when I asked if you wanted to do dinner with my family lol. That was me expecting. Whoops. Anyways like I said in the last post Im so grateful. Every extra moment I get with you. Every touch, every thought, every picture, video, piece of life. Thank you.

I dont feel misunderstood I feel connected. I dont used I just feel loved. My wish came true that night. 

Happy birthday to us <3

Feb 27

Last night, having you in my arms and having us sing happy birthday <3

It feels so right and I want you so badly. 

I just want you to be happy and I love you so much. 

And my heart has such an abundance of love for every moment I get with you and every moment I see you strive to be happy. 

 

that's it. thats the post. 

LMAO thats not the post here's more. Fun fact in the last 3 years you are the only person that I've seen on my exact birthday for all of them. You came outside and we sang happy birthday to each other to just hold each other after. Like what kind of movie are. we in? *sigh* it's literally a dream. Can you imagine if you find your way back to me one day that we look at all these videos and moments? Where's the camera crew because this is a whole story in itself. okay now I will go edit, shower, and sleep. 

Feb 26

So I was originally going to write about all the things that happened/were planned today but I was lucky enough to hear your voice all weekend <3

Anyways I wanted to start by saying some things I was looking forward to and that happened today because I wanted this to also be a place that isn't just about me hurting but things I think youd enjoy in my life/where I feel you next to me. 

You already know about the sound bath and how amazing it was and I was already planning on gifting you one when you needed it. I felt like it was a very spiritual thing and so good for my soul and it was something I wanted to share with you. I told you I was in the CRAZIEST TRANCE. I love that you called me about it because it felt like you knew I was already going to write about it LOL. 

Also about asking for dinner, that was dumb of me to ask I am so sorry. When you replied I was just like "what were you thinking dude". Im sorry I shouldnt have put you into that situation. I just want to keep extending these moments just in case its a moment where timing connects. And I guess the next thing is your graduation. Offer is still up for a personal omakase chep at my house underneath my edison light bulbs. Im not sure how you feel about that but if it gets to happen Id love to experience it. with you. Regardless I wanna call and celebrate you, see your face, or something. Im so freaking excited for you my heart can jump out of my chest!

Anywho, my heart jumps at every moment with you and honestly kept hoping Id see you outside for a moment. Idk where my head has been but I feel like Im trying to send signals to see how close you are to me. I know after your conversations with me, but these last couple days seem like a dream even though our interactions are sparse. 

Last thing thats a pick me up is your snowboarding. I love seeing you do it. I love how far you come. And I hope I get to ride next to you another day. I am just so happy for all the things in your life. I honestly cant wait to get rid of my. injuries to do what I love too. 

I also owe you a video from my other night with thuy and aaron. I pulled out my ukulele thinking of you and we all sang. I havent done that with anyone except you in years. and its funny how sitting on the ground with you made me feel like I was traveling to the past in high school and made me want to do it again. 

 

Also I have another video coming for you thats we talked about recently smirky face emoji
 

Heres the video so we never forget our promise:

Even when you arent here

Before I forget I need to tell you about the other night with carter. I walked away from our group to sit down for a second and he came over to sit next to me and ask how I was doing. Ive bailed on a couple concerts and left events because I was in the mental space to be there. Smiling as I left each time I mentioned I wasnt in the mental space to be there not cause I was sad but because I realized it wasnt where I needed to be. I was having lots of fun but I wanted to be there with you and if not at the moment I wanted to be home or next to you. (one of those nights was the night I sped over to your house)

Anyways, I told carter Im just sad and I miss you. The thing is because of my action and circumstances in life I may have lost the love of my life temporarily or forever. I told him you were in a realtionship with someone else and despite it all I still love you with my heart and dont feel any other way toward you. Of course Im sad but I understand why it isnt me and just truly want you to be happy. I told him I have nothing but the abundance of love for this girl and that I truly believe its us that is meant to be together. 

Carter said he knows. His love of his life married someone when carter went on his mission trip somewhere else in the world. and he felt she jumped into it because that guy was there immediately and filled her void that she wanted filled right away. but her and carter still love each other. and she calls carter to talk about things and enjoy things that she said she could never do with even her husband. and we just sat there thinking that the people that we are so connected to may have grabbed something they needed so bad because carter and i werent next to them and brought them into the world with us.

thats the background, but where you touched my soul. is that talking about my truest form of love for you and honest in the sense of how i care for you and how i knew i missed my chance it connected me and carter. he then opened up to me how hard it is for him when sabrina talks about me and the tough things she says because he said he sees himself in me. he thinks we take the same approach to life, same love for humans, and hurt the same way about the people we love the most. he opened up and told me why he is so close to me and what makes in hard in his life. we even talked about our upbringings.

but to keep it short even when you arent there you touch my life. anytime i am honest about you, you touch my life. even with my time with thuy and victor. I just know loving you is the answer to everything in my life and once again I felt like you were sitting there with me with you hand on my back.

Weekends have always been rough without you

 

Just took a nap and literally the second I woke up you were on my mind. The things is I still want you there. I just want to be able to think about you while you are in my arms. I'm going to get up and clean today and try not to think too much. 

The thing is I want you here in my arms TONIGHT.

*sigh* I need to keep in mind why you are doing this for yourself. I need to keep in mind that you are probably with someone else because thats where your heart lies and I need to respect that. I do take so much comfort in being able to message back and forth and it makes my heart so happy to know that we both make each other still feel the way we do sexually and spiritually. I want to so badly take you to do things outside of our words and messages to start rebuilding that sense of trust and good memories but I just dont think Ill get that chance with you. Whether we start small and just walk outside when its warm, go on a hike, or I get to take you to a new place in colorado or out. I just want the tiniest place to start creating that with you. *deep breathe*

I keep dreaming theres this moment where all these words get to you and you let me in and let all of this flow into you. I keep dreaming that all my prayers are answered and we run into each others arms to never let go. I wouldve loved to just stand in the street the night  you came over and hugged you forever right there. 

Okay :) I feel better talking to you. Hope you had a good weekend I love you so much.

Feb 25

 

I got the chance to sit with victor and thuy to finally have a real talk about life since we are usually so busy when we see each other. I talked about you to both of them. I told them how much I love you. I told them how it makes so much sense to me now. And I told them that I miss you but it's out of my control right now and all I can do is be as true to myself as possible. Just keep loving and do it in the healthiest way for both you and I which is why Im here lol. I also talked about my relationship with them over the years and how hard it was to talk to anyone about things going on in my life/about you for so long. And it was finally such a relief to just say to them that I miss my time with them and say I love Hnin and what her undoubtedly. 

"Sigh" Your videos make me so happy. Every interaction I get with you make me so happy. And it makes me miss you so much more. I get we get to share this mutual love and connection right now in these moments and Im truly so grateful for it. I dont know how they do it in the movies, but it's tough when you lose someone. I'm happy your happy but it's sad to see your tiktok with someone else and not be sure if youre talking about me or them anymore. But that is whats going to come when you pursue something with someone else.

I wake up and see it and get a little sad. But what gets me out of bed is coming here to write this. I love this girl. Shes smiling. 

I want to call you and drag you over to my house. But if I do it and have you spend the night with me I want you forever. Otherwise I'm just messing up your boundaries and not respecting you.

Idk if thats his voice in the song, but hearing and seeing a moment that you know is no longer shared between the two of you kinda throws you into this space of limbo. You feel disassociated from life for a second. I just keeps sinking in more and more that you are with someone else and is only going to be like that as life goes on. *deep breathe, legs shaking a bit*

Could you imagine if you came that night with the roses on the bed? If you didnt tell me and you just came?

I always think about that tik tok that say we need to romanticize our life because saying that we dont have the power to make these things in our imagination come true limits us. 

So thats why Ill sit in a resteraunt waiting for you. Thats why i will write to you. Thats why Ill reply every chance I get to you even if I hear nothing back. Our lives deserve us to give everything. I always wanted something that was worth fighting for. Because now i know I didnt want it because it was convenient. I wanted it because its something I wanted more than anything in the world. 

Thanks for visiting me in my dreams agian <3

Feb 24 

You know what? Our love is going to be so incredible if given the opportunity. Like we could've chose the easy way our so many times. Not dwell on our feelings for each other and just move on. If we just stopped loving each other that would have been the easy option. But still having this love for you and us being able to have these moments where our guards go down and even plan for a future of possibility (I know you arent guranteeing anything), but we didn't have to do that. We couldve just moved on and not care. 

I know you may be concerned that this holds me hostage. But its how I am with you. I think you understand that so well that when you want someone so bad, when you crave their touch, and when crave their soul theres nothing stopping that. No way anyone in the past could tell you to stop and thats why I think you know its why i cant stop. No matter what. 

When you said you felt like the main character about the other weekend it made me happy as fuck. Thats what I want this to be. Making you the main character. Giving you the choices, the support, the love. I did something right that weekend. And if you are the main character in this love story, I'm your true love running to you and announcing my love for you with no doubt and with full confidence. I hope this is the movie ends where everything I say gets through. I hope theres a moment you cant deny it anymore and come to my door. Tell me to meet you somewhere. Send me a letter. And we embrace each other like we found something we lost/been searching our entire life. 

I know this is more than a love movie and its real life. Its going to take more than that for me to rebuild trust, comfort in a gentle love, and firm support. Ill pour everything I have into this foundation for you. Ill take whatever job I can to fit the lifestyle needed to experience this world with you. Ive never been so willing to give up everything for something in my life. 

Still very hard. I just keep imagining that you want that intimacy we have from someone else and it is so freaking scary.

But I just hope that one day when you come to my door, you stay with me every night from there on out and live with me.  The next time we have sex I want that to be the announcing that you are my lover for life. I dont just want to have sex with you I want to make love to you and hold your body so tight against mine. I want to sit inside you and stare into your eyes and know this is love that no one can ever have with you like I do.  Making love is so much more than having sex. Sometimes when we have sex and kiss I think of it as a connected circle. That your soul is pouring into mine as we kiss and goes back into you as we make love. Thats why I loved kissing you while we were having sex. UGHHHHH WHAT IS GOING ON HOW CAN WE NOT BE IN EACH OTHERS ARMS. 

 

IVE ALSO BEEN MEANING TO POST THESE

 

This video is what I want to do for the rest of the year with you. Go check out the instagram @itsamsam.jpg I love how she captures her relationship and life. I want to throw my camera on a tripod an dance with you under the lights. All I can think about the japan trip is how I wanted to record you in the wooden tubs and skyline. Actually right now if you would consider I would buy your ticket to go with me and my family.  Can you imagine getting to see a new place in the world and with a my family and grandma?

Also the picture below is our plant blooming. Shes doing so well and there was just a hibernation stage and I have a feeling that she will have a flower. And if she does Im giving you a call. A sign of something that took so long but did something so beautiful She was my first plant from you and I loved taking care of her. 

 

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Feb 23 Our Love Story I didnt go to sleep til 3 am this morning. For some reason I couldnt passout I just layed there. Not tired in the slightest. Then I made this video. I left yesterday feeling so in love. It just keeps growing and growing. It's crazy because even after hearing that I'm not the decision right now I love you more than ever. From our conversation about taking care of each others families, to running to the car in the cold, to your 2 maybe 3 farts in the car, and to our video. There is no doubt in my mind. I know my certainty cannot speak for my actions for for the motions of what you go through in life. And I expect nothing less. 

But I love you. I cant thank you enough for moments like yesterday. I still have some letters like my apology letter, my dream letter, and etc. But right now I had to disclose how incredible it is to feel that tingle in my body with you. Even right now its overcoming my entire body. I hope that I get to continue to do the weirdest things with you, I hope we get to tease and tickle each other, I hope that we get to continue to remind each other how incredible of humans/unique we are from the world. 

31, sooner, or maybe never if you are the happiest you become. I love you and I cant wait to meet you again. I cant wait to start from scratch and run away with you and never stop. 

And on the not so romantic side the following post is another relatable post that I cant help but think of you when I see. I want to run outside to hold you. Pull you inside of my house and kiss you against my front door. Grab your butt youve been working on then life you into my room. I want to hold you against the wall and go down to strip your pants. Then I want to take your shirt off and have you push me onto the bed. And as you get onto me on want to flip you and make you feel amazing. And let me start into you like that one day where you had never seen me look at you that way before. Then I want to use your vibrator and hold you down while slowly using it til you body twitches. Our first date, I'm going to have you again... Your body and mine.  

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Wow today just got tougher. How do you walk away from someone that you love and loves you back? I guess when you have something else to fill it, it helps. And I thought knowing you loved me would be enough to be okay with losing you. But imagining that the girl who loves me could be in bed with someone else is scary. What if I never get to see you again? HA STOP AUSTIN. We will always find our way back to each other. I love you, you love me. You are filling your own cup right now through someone else and I need to fill mine with time for myself. I'll purse things I love, go to places I want to see, and take care of myself. 

I'm just going to miss you. I going to miss our moments together. I'm going to miss the smell on your neck, your hugs from behind, your voice and accent, and just talking to you. Please I pray that I never lose you. I have to love you so much that I can let you shine. I have to love you so much that if I ever get the chance, I can grab you and never let go. I have to love you so much that I can make myself smile right now. Cause if I cant love you more than anything in the world I'm going to be so sad. 

If I get to see you on my birthday I want to make a couple tiktoks. The one from zootopia, a couple other funny ones, and take a picture. Because I want to save these moments forever. Just like someone great. If we can just do one more forever I know we are forever.

 

Wiping my tears and LEAVING WORK. Dammit I love you Hnin.  

Feb 15th I guess this is it. This the start of me building our house. This is my 500 days of Summer. I have a lot I've written in my "toboatboat" instagram and am slowly going to migrate it all here. And then I'm just going to did what I did before and document the moments you appear in my life. All my love letters, my hopes, my apologies as I learn and reflect, my clarifications if I felt like. we didn't understand each other. Far too many people lose each other in life just because we had thought something else. I know some actions don't align but I was a fool for not being able to show you how I thought of you everyday in January. I'm never going to just wait to see & talk to you again. 

Here's my heart whether you ever come here to see it or not. 

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Feb 17th. I found you here today. I was looking for a song for a big video that I'm doing as a passion project. Its from the story I told you in bed where the boy doesnt care what happens to the world because he found happiness in her. The girl that brought the sun. Its one of my favorite movies and the song just makes me think how I want you to come to Japan with my family and I and how I want to record us in the world together. 

I have goosebumps all over my body how happy I feel to just love you right now. I know you might not ever see this. I know you might be gone. But Im so happy to feel this love for you right now and see you in parts of this world.

I keep thinking back to the other nights when you mentioned your dream of us together in the canyon. I dont think that you did anything to selfishly get what you wanted just to leave afterwards. I do think there was a portion of you that really just wanted to give yourself to everything that felt right. Everything that we've been fighting for. 

I feel like I know you deep down. You love so much more purely than that and holding you in my arms I know it isnt something that you denied in the moment. 

I guess thats why I can keep holding on I feel  it even though I wont hear from you anymore. Its my faith in us, its my connection. I hope you have a good weekend. Im sorry ahead of time if I drunk call you.

Feb 19th You know my birthday is my favorite holiday because I get to choose who I am around. And honestly you were the only person I needed there. No matter what the circumstance, me being around you and you finally meeting folks that impacted my life is what I care for. And then listening to you so I could fall asleep and even hearing that I still pop up in your dream just puts me at ease..

Today I took a trip out to california with my friend dru to a film festival to feed my soul. There I watched films of so many individuals that have inspired me to do what I do. I saw you in so may of the films then a couple in front of me shared a kiss. Today I saw you mixed with my passion and imagined us dressing up and just spending time together in the hotel. 

I hope this guy has things to show you in that sense as well. Good night,. I love and miss you.

Feb 20th very important read  Yesterday the song shrine by rl grime hex cougar remix made me think of you. drove down the road singing it thinking about how much I love the song snowboarding and how crazy that its my favorite song that relates to you. 

anyways I realized a portion of why i am so much more  understanding of my feelings now and sure of things and it's been an accumulation of me being able to pour my feelings out to individuals more and talk to people about you and myself. Before I didnt have anywhere to go but between the interaction with my dad, having tayto, and talking to my friends vy, mimi, ona. thuy, and aaron I had a place to vocalize how much I love you. mimi and vy are going through their break ups now and what I get out of them is seeing how anxious attatchment affects them so much and finally sees what its done to me along with my anxiety. and giving them advice on how to address it and also interact with their exes (because they have both been really trying to hold on similar to me) it gives me the clarity to take my own advice. I am so bad at decisions for myself but very good at helping others and through helping them it made me realize I cant be like them and so fearful of life. with ona the level of love i express to him about you and breaking down on the phone provided an insane level of understanding what you mean to me. hes someone who had been so broken recently and understands me being through a couple of my relationships and understand how different and important of a human you are to me. he has been someone who just have supported me but also given me advice on how to take care of myself when chasing you. and finally aaron and thuy have let me broke down a version of my inner child and comforted that with presence.  aaron sees my pain and guilt and how badly i want to change and love myself so I can love and take care of you fully. he helped me release so much guilt moving in and becoming my best friend that I realized we are not who we used to be or are guilty to be. we are the people who choose to love people like you and take care of. and thuy also helped me talk about why its so important to me to build this with you and not anyone else. youve seen me at my worst and thats someone i want to build a relationship with. someone that has seen me evolved and that means if we got through that we can get through ANYTHING. everything else to come will be cake in comparison to what we had gone though. thats whats been going on the last couple months to justify these major advancements in who i am. recent ones include dru and socheata. dru is the one who had messed up so long after the death of his dad (way deeper story) but one thing that sparked him one day is he realized how much this girl loved him and really held him down and she always has. but he sat at home one day lit up a blunt and it hit him. after that everything changed in what he did. she continued to love him as she had but he poured everything into her at that point. what he and i are doing isnt fair. two girls that did everything for us didnt deserve that and thats why at that point they deserve everything on the line for that and he had her move in helped her build her company and have a kid. and now shes encouraging him to pursue his life. and thats where im at with you. i want you taken care of, build you business, free yourself from debt and give you a place to live with me. take you into mu family and live all my life with you. i have this because of you and you deserve the world because of that. as for soecheata me and her argue all the time abuot life stuff and she always tries to ask if I love myself why do I do this and put myself in so much pain. and i correct her and let her know the reason hnin is a non negotiable in my life and i NEED her in it is becasue i DO love myself. a life with hnin is the best thing anyone could ask for.

so if you ask what made the switch go off in your head, why now, what makes you different? these are a few of the things that have affected my mindset the last couple months and this isnt just some bullshit. i have reasons before everything recently and didnt know how to articulate it when you first asked. this is it. 

ALSO clearly nothing on this page is scripted cause my spelling and grammar are attrocious LOL

Random thoughts I've been saving throughout the last couple weeks

What do you make of those dreams you have? What are they, do you think they mean anything from your deeper consciousness? 

I want to give you space right now, but I'm terrified this space is perceived as loving you less. I'm scared the distance I create between us causes you to think that I'm happy away from you. Anytime we had time apart my heart was ripped and I couldn't leave my bed. And when I tried to just live life in any sense it would feel meaningless without you with me. 

In the past I was always scared to post anything that resembled a good time because I didnt want you to think I was happier without you. I didnt want social media or others to give you the false idea of what my life is actually like. Especially the cabin trip weekend. I had an anxiety attack in the hot tub with lilly eileen and their cousin thinking about my injury and how I couldnt make it to you. Idk what you might have perceived it to be from what you heard but my favorite moments in life are with you.

I never meant to love bomb. It terms of our entire relationship it seems that way but I drastically wanted to show you how much things have changed for me to want to love you, support you, and do anything you needed in terms of love. I wanted to make and set so many future plans to show you how long term and consistent I wanted it to be. I wanted to show how hard I was committing to us and make everything we both always wanted to happen. 

The reason it seems like this is all rehearsed or Im just telling you want you want to hear is because I finally get it. Before I didnt. Before it didnt click and we would go in circles. It all sounds perfect right now because everything has shifted in my mind. You've been on my non stop for the last 2 year. and man if things didnt start to click that wouldnt make sense. itd be like i was thinking about nothing. 

I have more but I need to get back to work but I wanna leave this list of thoughts here. I dont care how long it takes. I dont care what happens between now and if I get another chance with you. Ive already surrendered my heart to you and there is no more pain to heal, distrust to create, and question on how to love you. 

   I know I used to talk about compatibility but Ive finally come to the answer Ive always been looking for. Just because we are the same the focus is not on that we  have the same weaknesses and cant get past it. The focus is on that we will always ultimately understand each other the same because we both have similarities in what makes us feel at home, on what we value in the world, and how we always want to hold each other. I was so hyper-focused on our moments that were tough and never realized how we always came back to hold each other no matter what. My answer to the compatibility is that we are perfect for each other because we are the same. 

   I've never been so sure of anything in my life. Knowing we went through so much in our lives doesnt scare me. It gives me so much courage because I went through hell in back trying to understand everything I do now and Im still in love with this beautiful human despite it all, and if thats the worst life is going to be so amazing with you when our loves gets to be expressed through everything that is right. 

 

 I fucking love you. You are the most important person to me. 

Feb 21 I was talking with a friend last night and she had talked about wanting the power in her relationship because it felt like she finally had control in it. And I was telling her that trying to always be covered who has power in a relationship and worry about if you are being taken advantaged of is a product of distrust and conditional love. I realized how nice it is right not to not have to worry and put aside my humility in regards to just loving you. I don't care if its a matter of when you decide to choose me if at all. I'll walk through life everyday knowing that I can choose you fully now at any point in life. Don't get me wrong, picturing you in the arms of someone else is pretty heartbreaking but it doesnt make me love you any less. What makes me love you in the rooted human you are and the side I've witnessed when we felt saw raw and let everything in our mind and our lives down. 

Part 2 wow today is hard. I really miss you. It's so warm today and you think the sun helps but it just makes me miss wanting to be with you in the warmth. There's so many things I know you love so much and the idea that we won't get to be is kinda heartbreaking. I talked to kevin (oregon kevin) and we really went through the same exact thing. Except he resents her for moving on yet I still feel so much love for you whether you choose me or not. I love you and I want your happiness. Im sad but I love you for whatever choice you make cause youll be cared for that way. 

Love videos

"Let's be honest. My love letters are probably crap. I can't spell, I begin to ramble, and it's just endless words. I feel so much while making videos because I get to tell the story with moments I capture through my own emotions. I cried at work making this thinking about how if there's anything in this world worth fighting for it's for my connection with you. Whether that leads you back into my arms or not I cannot ignore  the truest form of love I've ever felt for someone. 

Beyond the fear of being hurt, the concern of doubt, and passed all our experiences  where I didn't understand there's a sense of hopefulness and comfort. Comfort in the idea that if we loved through some of the hardest moments in our life on the other side of everything we've worked passed will be infinitely easier than everything we've done. If we could love each other through the moments of growth and change we can love each other passed it. 

 I know I used to talk about compatibility but Ive finally come to the answer Ive always been looking for. Just because we are the same person, the focus is not on us having the same weaknesses and getting past it. The focus is on that we will always ultimately understand each other the same because we both have similarities in what makes us feel at home, on what we value in the world, and how we always want to be in each others arms. I was so hyper-focused on our tough moments and never realized how we always came back to hold each other no matter what. My answer to the compatibility is that we are perfect for each other because we are the same. This is the answer I was searching for the day we took a walk around my neighborhood. I knew I wanted to be with you but I didn't know how to articulate on how we would get passed our mutual concern of compatibility.

I've never been more sure of anything in my life. And with that courage I am no longer scared of the what ifs that happen with life because I know I want to be with you forever. I want us to be part of each others tribe of humans. I want us to experience everything for our first time together.  I want to live and wake up next to you everyday. 

I know it's more writing but it's my birthday so cut me some slack lol."

Hnin (boat boat nyat nyat?) Aung,

 

First off I wanted to say Happy Birthday, Happy Golden Year, Happy New Year. I love you and I hope this is the most incredible year of your life. This letter is a compilation of everything that has been going through my head the last couple of weeks. In short, I love you and have never experienced anything close to you in my life. That’s all I can say to everyone as I keep repeating to them how much I love you.  I really can’t imagine experiencing anything greater than you in my life, but I guess that’s what love of my life means lol. 

 

I’ve been spending lots of time trying to rearticulate what I tried to communicate to you the last few nights we had together and here’s the best way I could put it. When I discussed that we were not compatible because we were too similar in sharing our strengths and weaknesses, I specifically was referring to our attachment styles. The anxiousness, jealousy, needing constant reassurance, not setting strong boundaries, pulling away from each other when we are hurt/scared, and etc. It’s said that people similar to us that struggle with the bad habits we have need to be paired with someone who has a secure attachment, good communication, and is in control of our emotions. And while we continue to struggle with our high emotions and lack of understanding each other with not the best communication it tires us so much emotionally and physically where we fight to survive to get to our moments of intimacy and love before we fall back into frustrations. 

 

Despite all of the above it doesn’t affect how much I love you. I want us to develop this love within ourselves without needing the constant reassurance from each other so that we can have a secure attachment. We will still shower each other with love, but I don't want us to NEED it and depend on it for our relationships. 

 

I think someone you're meant to be with forever, isn't someone where you love them one way forever. I believe that we find new ways to love each other through time falling in love with new and better versions of each other. And I guess that’s what I’m hoping we do. That we fall in love with each other all over again as we become better and understand ourselves more. 

 

To end this here are all the ways I reflected on my love for you and how I’ve felt these last couple of weeks:

 

Sept 12th, called you drunk because all I wanted was to be in your arms when I didnt feel well. Your voice was enough

 

Sept 17th, drove past your house after the concert. Realized I don’t want to roll anymore because nothing will ever top the roll I had with you in my arms looking at the stars on the way home. 

 

Sept 24th, got home and went through all our pictures and thought about my favorite things about you. The way you say booty booty, when you decided to help the homeless on your birthday, how quickly you picked up snowboarding, you doing this one foot dance, the day you watched uncharted, doing videos/photos with me in the forest, 

 

Sept 25th, just messaged Lauren about how thankful I was that she had brought me to the cabin and I met you. Literally changed my life forever.

 

Sept 26th, drove by your house to finish writing this letter. Kinda  creepy but it was nice being close to you and know how you feel

 

Sept 29th, this persons voice was annoying and was thinking how much I love the way you talk and the way you sound

 

Oct 2nd, I see why you love it here. Its perfect for you and I want you to live out here. 

Oct 7th Monica sent me a picture of us three on the patio. Wow. who would have thought everything you would end up meaning to me. 

Oct 10th Aaron came over and I was talking about how much I love the way you talk and how I love your quirkyness. Youre uniqueness. You're so special.

Oct 12th Well this is a collection of days, but I freaking love you. At first it was concerning how much I think of you on a daily basis. You're on my mind most of the day, but lately I've had the time to get things in my life together. And yet part of that still involves thinking about you. Seriously I talk about you all the time to people and its about all the things I love about you. Today I got to talk to thuy about how I met you and what made you so special to me. 

Oct 18th I thought I just missed your voice, but maybe it was your laugh. I'm struggling a lot right now reflecting on us. I just want it to be us and forget everything and anything around us. I just want nothing to exist anymore. Came by again today lol and I'm 2/9. 

Oct 19th I came by again and wanted to see you but I've got to stop. Idk where you spent the night, but me wanting to see you so badly is foolish cause it makes my mind run while you are out living your life. I get two feelings, 1 wish I got to pass you and talk to you 2 im happy shes living her life without me. Maybe shes actually happy. 

Oct 21st I just wanted to hold you and let you know how much I missed you.

 

 Oct 22nd I really cant live life without you, You consume my mind at all times and I feel like an idiot wanting to be by you and talk to you so much. Like why cant i detach and be able to live separately? Ever since I met you I wanted you to be my everything and just felt so comfortable in your arms. And now that your arms aren't here I feel like im crumbling.

Oct 25th Feels like I'm going through withdrawals. Thats what the love between you and I did to me. This last weekend, last couple of weeks have been too much. And why? You're happy and that's all I should care about. You're back in the clubs, you're traveling with new people, why should I be so scared to lose you to your happiness. I feel terrible, sad, heartbroken, but ultimately I should feel happy. I always wanted you to be as happiest as can be. And you are now.